I fail at life.

[Triceratops]

I caved.
They think I care.
I don't care.
Should I care.

Everything makes me want to hurl up and burst into tears.
I want to vomit, just like I did before.
I want to see how much blood I can shed.
I need to black out from everything.

No one knows in the outside world.
I don't want their concern.
I will never find the words to explain and I don't expect them to understand.
I'm fine hiding behind a mask for the rest of my life.
I despise what I see in me. They won't know.

My mum has locked the cabinet where she stores all the painkillers, because of what happened last time...
She has no trust in me, and I don't blame her.

The atmosphere here is so tense you could cut it with a knife; for no reason, I caused it.

Blah.

[derkderpderp]

Erm dude?idk if this is good advice,but its what i did when i was contemplating suicide because of feelings seemingly similar to yours.
And im not telling you to commit suicide,thats just horrible.but dude?just let it all out-kick,scream,rage,cry whatever,let all your bad feelings out.then occupy yourself with something,i tried painting and it helped me gain some understanding of my obscure dreams and vision-ey things.but all you've really gotta do is let everything out,and then occupy yourself to prevent you from returning to that mind frame and shit feelings (bc im sure ur nt feelin 2 gud ryt nw)
But let it out,or alternatively,do the most common and one of the most effective pieces of advice-talk to someone,im here if u want to talk,and so is everyone else.take care.x

[byee]

Marcie, I leave you alone for a while, with a shiny new promotion no less, and this is what happens? C'mon....

I think you need to seriously reevaluate yourself here. I for one am not at all easily impressed online by others, and yet you've managed to get my attention. Now, you can disregard that as 'not really real', or you can maybe take into consioderation that maybe you're missing something very important and very worthwhile about yourself. Just b/c you cannot see it just now doesn't mean it isn't there. Many are really not very good at seeing themselves as others do.

I think you might do well to acknowledge that for whatever reason, you cannot see all the good in yourself, and maybe leave it at that. That all that negativity you see isnlt the whole picture. And, maybe spend some time putting yourself in situations that would give you additional info and experience with yourself, with that part of you that is really quite exceptional.

Until then, maybe try to go easy on yourself (and mum), you're in transition here, like the butterfly. You're a work in progress, what;'s going on for you isnlt the final product, just something that's undergoing evolution.

[Triceratops]

Marcie, I leave you alone for a while, with a shiny new promotion no less, and this is what happens? C'mon....

I think you need to seriously reevaluate yourself here. I for one am not at all easily impressed online by others, and yet you've managed to get my attention. Now, you can disregard that as 'not really real', or you can maybe take into consioderation that maybe you're missing something very important and very worthwhile about yourself. Just b/c you cannot see it just now doesn't mean it isn't there. Many are really not very good at seeing themselves as others do.

I think you might do well to acknowledge that for whatever reason, you cannot see all the good in yourself, and maybe leave it at that. That all that negativity you see isnlt the whole picture. And, maybe spend some time putting yourself in situations that would give you additional info and experience with yourself, with that part of you that is really quite exceptional.

Until then, maybe try to go easy on yourself (and mum), you're in transition here, like the butterfly. You're a work in progress, what;'s going on for you isnlt the final product, just something that's undergoing evolution.

I'm really sorry, I haven't been like this in quite a long time. I don't know what came over me.

I guess I was just having a bad week. I'm trying as hard as I can to get myself back up on my feet like I usually do.

And Sam, I do appreciate everything you've said and done for me, I honestly do. Thank you so much.