Without help I might suffer

[Effie]

Suffer the pain of DENIAL!?
At least I think...
I've been trying to figure out whats wrong with me cuz I haven't been feeling right. There's so many reasons for it that it took a lil while to think up what and why.
1. A couple months back all it took was a thought of any girl and I'd be amazingly turned on. Now... nothing I imagine turns me on. This instantly becomes confusing for my sexuallity. I've even tried thinking of objects that might arrouse me. NOTHING.
Why? Possibly because of denial. My mom whom has great influence on me has told me countless times I'm not gay and countless times I tried to prove her wrong which never works cuz she's the mom. I've told my mom every secret I've ever had. Her acceptance of me is very important. My dad really doesn't care what I am at all and doesn't comment much of what he thinks but does joke around about me being gay. After my mom denied me I went crazy into determination to become straight or at least bi. I ended up dating 3 guys... let's just say it was them... it was me. I really didn't enjoy anything (kissing and such) with them. It just doesn't feel right for me BUT I can't like girls. For some reason thats stuck in my head. I won't allow myself to like girls. Everytime I think about them I become suddenly depressed and tell myself that it's worthless to like girls and that they can't do anything for me which personally I know isn't true lol....
2. A girl I loved has broken up with me... I think it was like 3 weeks ago? I'm still very depressed about it. A lot of people my age don't know what love is but I can tell you I'm not like a lot of people. I knew things wouldn't work out between me and her... she was "straight" when I first kissed her and she was still straight when we first started dating... of course.... she's still striaght now. I dream about her a lot... I dream about holding her and for a second I can feel her in my arms. Depression doesn't help with my sexuallity confusion.
3. It's important to me to know my sexuallity. I don't want any comments telling me my sexuallity doesn't matter. Sexuallity is a gift that has left me dazed. I want to enjoy my gift not be so ... blah feeling all the time...

Is it hormones messing with me? Has anyone else ever been so very sexual for a year or two and then suddenly so very NOT sexual? I've become increasingly emotional... or at least very touchy about any topic about Rachael. I hear her name everywhere. I went to the amusement park and every girl there was appearently named Rachael. I watch TV and the host is Rachael or some character is Rachael. I go through myyearbook secret admirers and most of them I click end up having the name Rachael. It's driving me insane!!!

[Cromm]

I can't pretend to know what it's like to be a 13y/o girl, but I do know something about life kicking you in the shins, so I hope I can empathize.

You just got hit a crushing blow in love, it's really not that suprising you're not keen on anyone right now. I think it's pretty common, after a tough break-up, to not want to be with anyone. It seems you're still fallin' hard for your ex; it's quite possible you won't find anyone attractive - regardless of gender - until you move on. I don't think it's denial. And I don't think you should take that as a sign, one way or another, about your sexuallity. I imagine once you've "gotten over her" as they say, you'll be attracted to... whoever you're attracted to again.

As for your mom... I can't speak from experience, but I'd stop trying to convince her you're gay. The more you push, the more you'll appear to be doing it for spite alone, even though that's not the case. Don't tell her you're straight, don't tell her you're gay, just be whoever you're meant to be, without forcing it. Eventually (assuming she's not a religious nut or something) she will accept the truth.

[byee]

Effie, I'm not so sure this is so much the result of the 'pain of denial' as much as it might be the 'pain of being thirteen'.

It's really hard to figure out what feelings and urges mean when they're so new, and eventhough the ambiguity is difficult to tolerate, it's really the best course of action here. The other choice, of making a decision about something as complicated as your sexuality based on a limited amount of life experience is that you'll get it wrong.

It takes a while to get used to the rush of puberty, everything seems so intense. But, with some time and experience, it's easier to accurately determine what the feelings and urges and so on actually mean. Sometimes, those urges just fade for a bit, other times they seem particularly strong. But that's all part of the ride, it's not necessarily the result of some *other* process like denial. Just hang in there and try hard not to jump to conclusions. It'll all be clear to you as you get closer to concluding adolescence.