inpatient treatment centre. :(

[sienna.]

well...
that night where i pretty much lost all conrol, and i locked Coop out of the bathroom and i made myself throw up again and again and again til there was blood everywhere and i passed out....
Seth knocked down the door, picked me up, put me in bed. stayed with me for a while then took off.

the next day he wasn't answering my calls i couldn't find him any where.
i was freaking out.
that night i got a text from him saying he is coming home but we need to talk.

i was so scared, that i threw up, but i didn't force it. i was just sick with nervs.

i was sitting on our bedroom floor, and i was kinda crying.
and Coop walked into the room.
and he picked me up, and just hugged me and held me.
and i just bawled me eyes out, i have no idea why.
and he told me that he was really sorry for leaving when he did.
he just needed to clear his head.

then we were together...

after that he said now we need to talk.
he said that what i did to myself the other night, tore him apart.
and he said the fact that i locked him out of the room, so he could just hear me throwing up and in pain and he couldn't do anything about it really hurt him.

so he said, he had no choice but to kick down the door, then once i was in bed, and he made sure i was asleep, then he just had to go and clear his head.
so he went to a bar, and did some thinking.

then he said all day yesterday he was with my doctor.
and they were speaking to people all day.
and they have organized for me to go into an inpatient treatment centre on friday!!!!!!! :(

Coop said that he can't just sit by and watch me do the things i am doing any more. because it is killing him.

i don't want to go.
but i know i have to...


so i am here to say thank you to everyone who has given me great advice. i know i was very stubborne and didn't take it most times. but i am really greatful.

and i am here to say sorry. sorry that i didn't listen to you guys. because you really know better then me about getting better, and i guess i just didn't want to see it.

so i am very sorry but truely greatful to everyone who helped me.
:)

[Antares]

Aww good luck hun :)
Hopefully this center will help you :D

[AllThatIsLeft]

I'm hoping all the best for you hun!
You'll see, you'll be fine in no time. :)

Coop was the best thign that could have happened to you :)

[BuryYourFlame]

that's great news sienna :D lets hope that this centre can give you the help you need :)

[sienna.]

welll...
i am not sure that i am going to go any moree...

and i was kinda getting use to the idea of going too.

[BuryYourFlame]

!!! how come!?

[sienna.]

because my mum pays for my health insurance...
we don't talk or see eachother, but she has always said she will pay for my health insurance.

but she recently found out about the things i got up to when i went off the rails.

and today she randomly came by and said that she wont pay for me any more..
because as far as she is concerned she no longer has a daughter.
all i am is a wreckless slut who has disgraced the family name.
and that i don't deserve to get better.
i believe they were her exact words.

Coop said he will pay for it.
but i wont let him.

[BuryYourFlame]

you said you dont want coop in that pain...of having to see you like that...

im sure having that pain taken away, will surely make any payment worthwhile, please let him pay...

[sienna.]

i can't let him pay.
that is wayy to much.

i cannot do that to him.
i am afraid that it wont work again, and he will have wasted his money.
and it's a lot of money.
i can't do that too him.

i can't.

[ShatteredWings]

you have to
he WANTS to help you.. if you work with them they'll help you
:hug3:
you know you need help and want help

go. get help

[sienna.]

i know i need help.
but it is just way too much money for him to pay.

i know i shopuld go.
but i can't do that to him.

if it was my mother paying i would go.
but i can't if he pays.

[ShatteredWings]

He wants to do this, obviouslly.
This guy loves you, not like your ex

i know you're scared as fuck.. but go. please

[AllThatIsLeft]

I agree Sienna... you should let him do it.
we all got faith in you,
and it will be worth every cent.

[Cloud]

hes willling to pay because he actually wants tio help you because he loves you
let him help you and let him pay
hell be so much happier to see you better than to see the money

[Sapphire]

Oh how beautifully tragic that your mum won't pay for the inpatient treatment centre but didn't seem to care about the hospital...

[sienna.]

i went off the rails at one point...
drugs, drinking, partying and sleeeping around.

but my mum never knew about that.

and my sister told my mum about it all the otehr day, and now she hates me..
and she is refusing to pay for it because according to her by doing all those things i have thrown my life away any ways.


i don't want to dissapoint Coop.
i am soo scared of dissapointing him.
if my mother paid, if i fail i wont feel as bad.
but if i fail with Coop paying, i know i will just be a dissapointment, you know.

[Sapphire]

Still...how beautifully tragic your story is...

[Number02]

... Beautifully tragic? Please say that wasn't intended in a harsh way.

And Sienna? Coop'll be more annoyed if you don't let him pay. He has faith in you to get better, he just needs you to let him do it.... Please?

[Sapphire]

... Beautifully tragic? Please say that wasn't intended in a harsh way.
Why do I have to say anything about my intentions

[AllThatIsLeft]

That is unnecessary... Keep your opinion to yourself Carole.

SIENNA.. please let Coop pay.
You know you can do it, have a little faith in you :)

[Sapphire]

I love how on this site we are only allowed freedom of speech when it suits others.

Such bullshit.

[AllThatIsLeft]

That isn't freedom of speech.
It's harsh sarcasm.
If it was constructive then i'd understand, but it isn't, so therefore unnecessary.

[Sapphire]

Actually Paula, I think you will find this is an issue of freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech is the freedom to say what you think/feel regardless of how many people disagree.
It covers everything from commenting on the weather to commenting on something like this.

[AllThatIsLeft]

Fine, but i don't see why you find the necessity to comment if you have nothing constructive to add.

[Sapphire]

Using that logic your responses in the "Abuse" thread are also unnecessary so examine your motives behind that before you start judging me for similar behaviour in this thread.

[AllThatIsLeft]

You have nothing to contribute.

And i made my points very clear on that other thread. Even if i side-tracked.

but pointless commenting isn't what this is supposed to be.

[Sapphire]

My comment wasn't pointless.

[AllThatIsLeft]

Oh how beautifully tragic that your mum won't pay for the inpatient treatment centre but didn't seem to care about the hospital...

Still...how beautifully tragic your story is...


All i see here is heavy sarcasm, and no contribution.

But please do explain to me, how this isn't pointless.

[ShatteredWings]

No mods on line eh guys? Nice time to do this.
Cut it out both of you. This isn't the time or place. We have a lovely PM system for figting.
kthximdone

Coop'll be more annoyed if you don't let him pay. He has faith in you to get better, he just needs you to let him do it.... Please?
I think this post has a l ot of validity. He obvouisly loves you..and i do think it'ed tear him up more to have you not go and not get help

[Sapphire]

It's not pointless because I was saying what I believe.
Giving ones opinion and exercising ones right to the freedom of speech is never pointless.

[AllThatIsLeft]

Fail.



Anyways back on topic, this got way out of hand.

Gwyn's post is right. I agree with that quote myself.

[Sapphire]

Fail?

The bigger fail is dictating when and where human rights can be exercised.

[AllThatIsLeft]

This isn't about your opinions. this isn't aboput your right of freedom of speech.
This is a help site, and worthless remarks have no place in this.

Face it, i'm right.

You can say whatever you want in real life.
But this site has a purpose, and that is to help.
and your what you posted, no matter how many rights you have, it's unnecessary here.

I am done with this. You have anything else to say PM me,


BACK ON THE DAMN TOPIC...

[Sapphire]

If that is how we should all behave then practice what you preach.
You can't go on at me about how I'm out of line when you have displayed similar behaviours within the last 24 hours.

[BuryYourFlame]

Too anyone who might have the urge to carry on from the above argument, despite paula leaving, this is a warning to stay on topic. Posts that do not relate to the OP will not be accepted.
~The-never-cycle

[sienna.]

it doesn't matter any more...

he is going to pay.
and i am going to go....
this time next week i should be going in.

i am not happy about the decision, but i am tired of fighting.
all i do is cause people to fight.

[AllThatIsLeft]

YAYYYY HUN!!! :D ....
it will do you great!
don't feel bad, you'll see it will be worth it.

I have high hopes for you Sienna, it makes me so happy seeing you get better.

[Cloud]

thankyou for letting him pay
he's gonna be happy that your letting him do this for you and letting him help you get better.
now its on you
and we AAAAALL know you can do it
good luck and i hope all goes well for you adn coop

[sienna.]

yeahh...
well i don't have high hopes for me.

but i just want to be with Coop.
and he wont stay with me unless i go in.

and if i were to lose Coop i would die.

i just want him to be pround of me.
i don't care about anything else... i just want him.

and it scares me to death at the thought of losing him..

i'm done fighting.

[Cloud]

hes gonna be proud of you that your willing to let him help nad expecially proud when you get better
if stuff gets tough just remember who your doing it for
it should help make it easier

[sienna.]

i'm just so scared.

[millymollymandy]

please dont' be scared, they only want to help you in any way they can, to keep you alive...wow i can't believe i'm saying that.
Just remember to set yourself managable targets and when you feel, your losing control try to focus and remember those targets...this is what i started to do when i went into inpatient as i just...okay enough about me...but i totally understand all this that is happening at the moment. but just acknowlage in your heart that people are caring about you, and just want to do the best they can for you.

[sienna.]

but that't the thing..
i know what it is like to go into an inpatient treatment centre, because i have been in one before...
then i have been in like a hospital ward for eating disorders...
and i failed misserably both timess..

i'm scared i am going to fail again,
and let Coop down.....

[millymollymandy]

please don't be scared...or at least try, there will probably be many set backs but if you remain focused in recovery...then whos to stop you apart from the ana in your head- so therefore you shouldn't let her get on top of you :)

And remember if you do try, you have not failed...its just work in progress,
also Coop, can see that you are trying to recover, and therefore he will support you in whatever you do, and help you...

Remember if you attempt at anything with all you have, then you have not let anyone down.

*Hug*

[Sapphire]

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you put a lot of pressure on yourself to get better then it will have the adverse effect.

Go and be open to the treatments they offer.
Every road to recovery has the odd slip up every so often. The key is to remember that you can overcome this if you stick with it.

If you like cuddly toys you could ask Cooper to get you one at the end of each week you're in there. It will give you something to look forward to at the end of the week and might help you through the really rough days. It would also give you something soft and warm to cuddle at night.

[sienna.]

well guys,
i am going in tomorrow.
i am so scared.
i am scared of failing, of letting everyone down!!!!

I HATE THIS!!!

but i am going.
and hopefully the next time you all talk to me, i will be on my way to recovery.
thank you to everyone who gave me great advice.

i appriciate it very much.
:)

cya.

[millymollymandy]

well good luck :)
i bet it won't be as bad as you think,
and you know what?...
Your already recovering by doing this, i'm so proud of you (even that i don't really know you)

Please remember to stay positive, and just try your best as even if you don't do something to the right standard, you can tell yourself that i have not let anyone down as i tried with a my might.

:) praying for you

[Triceratops]

Sienna, I wish you all the best of luck.
And you already know if you need anything all you have to do is PM me. :)

[sienna.]

hey guys.
i'm really not meant to be on here.
but i thought i would quickly come on here and give an up date!!

I HATE THIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's like helll!
i hate it so much. i just want to go home!!!

they make me eat so much food, it's bullcrap!
there is a blue kitchen and a red kitchen.
the blue kitchen is where girls that can be trusted eat.
so they get to eat with no one watching them.

the red kitchen, is where the other girls eat..
and it's got people who work there watching us eat.
make sure we eat it all.
don't play wiht our food, that we eat it in the right time limit.
that we don't hide it.
it's the kitchen where the girls that can't be trusted eat.
THAT'S WHERE I EAT!!!!

one thing that i am finding really hard is the other girls.
they tell me about things that they use to do/still do.
things that i have never thought of beofre and i am so tempted to try these things!! you have no idea!!

they check my room all the time.
they go through everything!! and i mean everything!!!
they fiound some pills in my room and i got in so much shit!!!!!

I HATE THIS PLACE, I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

[ShatteredWings]

Hun, relax. They might not trust you now, but that's because they can't. If you're gooing to get better, you need to cooperate with the nurses
:hug:

[SlightlySane]

I haven't posted in any of your threads but I've been reading. You are a beautiful person and I know you want to get better. Please just stay with this you are fighting so hard and I'm amazed that you are able to do this. You will be an inspiration to a lot of people when you make it. Please just think about the people who will look up to you and what you can for them. Something that is such a tragic part of you that you wil be able to get through will change the life of hundreds just because you, one person, made it.