Untitled off the top of my head random poem. xD

[Origami]

Watching the clock as the hours go by,
Day after day the years begin to fade,
The scars still we can't forget
Remind us of the mistakes we've made.

Sitting here in this empty room,
Alone with no one here to hold on to,
The cold chill of the silence begins to settle in
As I wonder what could be happening to you.

So far away from me,
So many miles, so many years away.
Holding onto all I've come to know,
Savoring every sweet word you say.

Our love is a miracle, this much I know.
So far away and I love you just the same,
This love is whatever we want it to be.
So now I'm left here screaming your name.

Screaming in the solitude, in the silence.
Echoes filling my head, Screaming to god above.
Screaming to those who won't listen to me,
Screaming the miracle of our love.

And now I'm walking out the door once and for all,
Leaving behind everything I once knew,
Burn my past life to the ground around me,
Now I'm screaming, I'm coming to you.

I'll be in the back corner of the next flight,
The miles will soon be fading away.
The hours have now come and past,
And our first part of forever will begin today...

[Zazu]

This is so well written Josh, but sorry to hear the past behind it :( *hugs*

[Ripplemagne]

I like that you're doing rhymes. I always feel more interested when I can rap to the poetry. XD But I'd suggest, for the future, try to get longer and more unique words to conclude each line. It makes the rhymes seem less forced because "made and "fade" just seem kind of like we're playing the rhyming game. You don't even have to make both words such; one will suffice.

Also, to note, the second and fifth stanzas have no rhyming. .-.

Anyway, this reminded me of "Scars" by Papa Roach. I like how you blended visualization with relevance to something. Some people go with either one or the other and it can weaken the piece a little bit. Well done in that regard.

Overall, an intriguing piece as it gets a profound emotion out. Perhaps you could have elucidated upon the perimeter of the telling a little better, but other than that, it's good.

[Aneklusmos]

I read this to my girlfriend. hope you dont mind xD. she and i both thought it was really good

[ErykaInspire.]

I love you, Josh..
You don't have to come to me, i'll wait forever if needed.

[ErykaInspire.]

I like that you're doing rhymes. I always feel more interested when I can rap to the poetry. XD But I'd suggest, for the future, try to get longer and more unique words to conclude each line. It makes the rhymes seem less forced because "made and "fade" just seem kind of like we're playing the rhyming game. You don't even have to make both words such; one will suffice.

Also, to note, the second and fifth stanzas have no rhyming. .-.

Anyway, this reminded me of "Scars" by Papa Roach. I like how you blended visualization with relevance to something. Some people go with either one or the other and it can weaken the piece a little bit. Well done in that regard.

Overall, an intriguing piece as it gets a profound emotion out. Perhaps you could have elucidated upon the perimeter of the telling a little better, but other than that, it's good.


His poetry is just fine, no improvements needed.

[nick]

I like it

[Ripplemagne]

His poetry is just fine, no improvements needed.

If you feel that way, fine. But don't bother me by attempting to cut down my constructive criticism with "lol teh world is perfect" jargon. See my nuts?

http://www.thenutfactory.com/photos/mixtures-nuts-deluxe-rs.jpg

Hop off.

Tee why, tee why.

[Origami]

Or we can quit arguing? :x

See, as many adore my writing, I personally hate it, as I do with everything.
So whereas some may see Chris' post as demeaning, I see it as progressive, I'm the person who always give tough critiques and I can't help it. However, I adore people who give me very hard critiques, who hold my work to the absolute highest standards.