Problem?

[FalconSmash]

Hi, I'm Jake. I'm 15 and like, three fourths, but who's counting, right?

I just started the summer portion before my Junior year in high school.

The point is, people seem to think I'm a mean person, so they just write me off initially. Let me give you the scoop. I'm a very blunt person. If you ask me a question, I'm going to tell you the truth. So when I do, the people who ask the question get mad a me. I warn them before they do so, and they still ask. The other day, my friend asked me to read their final paper before she went home to edit it. I did, and told her everything that was wrong, because that's what she said to do. She like, threw the paper at me.

So, here is where I pose my question:

If people want to hear the thoughts of others, and the truths they believe in, why do they get mad at them? Is that hypocrisy on their part?

Your thoughts, please.
-Jake

[Ripplemagne]

Read my article on False Motives. (http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=408674623&blogId=461408049)

[scuba steve]

i always try and not be soo blunt and if i do i try to add in a few don't wanna hurt your feelings remarks. like take your friends paper you could've added in a few oh it's not that bads and maybe you should go over this. as to be honest that would've gotten you some friendship points

[sebbie]

Hi, I'm Jake. I'm 15 and like, three fourths, but who's counting, right?

I just started the summer portion before my Junior year in high school.

The point is, people seem to think I'm a mean person, so they just write me off initially. Let me give you the scoop. I'm a very blunt person. If you ask me a question, I'm going to tell you the truth. So when I do, the people who ask the question get mad a me. I warn them before they do so, and they still ask. The other day, my friend asked me to read their final paper before she went home to edit it. I did, and told her everything that was wrong, because that's what she said to do. She like, threw the paper at me.

So, here is where I pose my question:

If people want to hear the thoughts of others, and the truths they believe in, why do they get mad at them? Is that hypocrisy on their part?

Your thoughts, please.
-Jake

Being blunt is a good quality it shows that your an honest person in my opinion. The reason some people will not like what you say is because its not what they want to hear.

In your example, imagine if you told her its a great paper and its fine, she would be happy with what you said, but because you were honest you said what you thought was wrong with it and now she can act on that.

People want things to be sugar coated and all nice but life its not like that at all.

[Skeln]

I say that you should try to go a little bit easier on others. Just tell the truth, but not the whole truth. Only say your whole opinion if uit's something serious, but small things don't really bother with as much because it doesn't have a whole lot of effect. I do this and I make others happy...mostly.

[INFERNO]

Jake, I'm the same way. I see no reason to sugar-coat something for someone just because they cannot handle the truth in its rawest form. Many are used to having the answers sugar-coated for them, so when you don't, it may seem rude, arrogant, etc... . They want feedback but they want compliments, they want to be told of just how good they are and whatever the paper/assignment/etc... is. Essentially, it's a false motive.

Being honest without sugar-coating I find to be a strength, something that many people lack. Don't feel bad for that. However, if it comes to calling them stupid and then bashing whatever the paper is, then the personal attacks I view to be unnecessary and probably immature (not saying you do this, just a bit of future advice).

But, if it's for a job or something, then it's usually best to sugar-coat it. To your random friend, I don't.

[scuba steve]

i love being blunt with people and seeing them burough in frustration just you need to pick your moments

[Sage]

Welcome to my world, Jake. No one really wants to hear what they need to.

[byee]

Jake, I think the issue might be the needs of 15 and 3/4th's (let's count for a moment!). You're probably assuming that when 15 and three forths asks a question, they really are looking for the (truthful) answer. Logical, but very often incorrect! What fifteen and three quarters typically want is approval.

Adolescents are notoriously insecure, so they go about feeling better by asking questions which SEEM to be seeking answers, but in actuality they're really fishing for approval. So, when your friends ask you your opinion, what they're really asking for is a compliment, they're seeking some reassurance.

Next time someone asks you for *something* before you offer the unvarnished truth, ASK them what it is they really want from you. That way, you can tailor your response to the REAL intent, rather than be misunderstaood as 'mean'.

People only see the truth as 'Mean' when they're not really looking for it in the first place.

[Reality]

I'm a very brutally honest person when it comes to my opinion, and such. I do so because I feel it helps the person better in the long-run, rather than sugar coating it. And yes, people have got mad at me over it.

But mind you, I avoid situations (like when it comes to research papers and stuff like that) where I have to give my opinion, simply because I can't help but be honest.

Anyway, yeah, people don't actually want your honest opinion when they ask you stuff like that (most of the time), they want some reassurance about it so they can be confident about it.

Generally, when I look for someone's opinion, I usually want the truth of what they think. But I rarely ask it, because most people have a tendency to sugar-coat their opinion, and it doesn't really help at all. I try to make sure they'll say what's on their mind by saying something along the lines of "I want your honest opinion, I don't care if you think it's the worst (whatever it is) in the world, just tell me".

[MoveAlong]

Why does this happen?
People are more sensitive when they're in a bad mood or something's going on in their life (stress)

Also for some reason it seems like an attribute our society has that things should be a little bit nicer than face value. Maybe we DON'T want to hear the truth. Why? The truth is tough. Like seriously. Tough.

I think something to consider doing (this is what I do) is not just say everything that's bad, because that CAN come off as a put down. Also tell them what you liked about it. You don't have to make up something that you liked about it; I look for good things too.

This is an especially important quality if you're a teacher.
Should teachers just be blunt?
I think they should also be encouraging. Especially when the student is on the right track on some things. That shouldn't be neglected and it can push them to fix those problems that they had because they have potential.

[FalconSmash]

Wow. I didn't really expect my topic to have this many replies, let alone this many people sharing my problem.

I see no reason to sugar coat things at all. I mean, I do give positive feedback and such, but if I spot something wrong, there's no way in hell I'm going to let it slide by. No way.

For the record, I'm the youngest in my class, so most are 16-17.

But really, I know the truths tough. It's taken me down a... Less than healthy road. But that's why I tell people, so I can expose them to how much it sucks now, rather than leave them clueless later. It's the whole, unadaulterated truth, or no response. Period.

I don't know if that's more of a realistic, or a pessimistic outlook. As long as I'm telling the absolute truth.

[Oblivion]

When people ask you questions like that... They want pleasant answers. Not blunt answers. They really don't care much about the truth, unless they explicitly ask for it.

[bowlheadhere]

This is becasue they have little security. They ask the questions to be re-assured that what they are doing/look like/etc is right. They want someone else to tell them what they want to hear. We live in a society where we basically live a lie because everywhere you go, people tell you what you want hear, instead of telling you the truth. In my opinion, we need more people like you in the world. People need to be less sensative and learn to embrace the truth. What is the point of asking a question if you dont want people to tell you the truth?

[Brazdar]

I think it all depends on the way you say that absolute truth or your thoughts and of course it depends when you say it and to whom you say it, it's no use to make someone feel awful just because you wanted to say the truth, it's no use to give false hope either, just try and say the truth in a gentle way, being gentle never hurt anyone, and if you can't be gentle just keep it for yourself, as I said there's no use to make people feel awful, unless it's really needed for them to know the truth.

[bagel]

I definitely agree with you guys on this: if people don't want the truth, they shouldn't ask for it. If they want compliments and praise, then they should ask for that, not "your honest opinion."
I think there is certain limit to how blunt you should be; you can tell the truth without being mean about it. For example, instead of just saying, "This is wrong, it should be this instead," you might say, "This is good, but I think it would be even better if you changed a few things." Even though it might not be the whole truth, it is still helpful without being rude.
I guess I'm mostly just re-wording what a lot of other people have already said, but I do agree that being honest is a good thing.
I think you have more of a realistic approach rather than a pessimistic one, and that's certainly not a bad thing.

[FalconSmash]

^ Thanks bagel. That's my point. People need to make up their mindss.

[Camazotz]

Like I always say; "The truth hurts". I've always been honest with people (when I'm not joking with them). I tell people things they don't want to hear, even though it is true. They usually ignore me or get mad at me, but I honestly don't care. If they don't like the truth, there's nothing you can do. In a weird way, I enjoy my personality like this. It makes me think in a different way than most people. It separates me and the average person. I have no care regarding the other person's emotions or feelings, as long as I am honest.

[bowlheadhere]

People need to embrace the truth. The truth only makes us stronger, and builds better relationships.

[rubidoux]

Just remember that there's a difference between being honest and just being an asshole.

For example, you're at the store with your best friend and she wants to try on dresses for some dance or something. She comes out of the dressing room in a dress that makes her look like a whale, and asks what you think. You could say, "Holy shit, call the coast guard, we've got a beached whale!" or just, "Wow, when did you get so fat?"

Or, you could say, "I'm not liking that on you, I think it makes you look heavier than you really are." You still got your point across without being straight up mean. Honesty doesn't mean being a complete dick, and a lot of people don't understand the difference.

[Camazotz]

Just remember that there's a difference between being honest and just being an asshole.

For example, you're at the store with your best friend and she wants to try on dresses for some dance or something. She comes out of the dressing room in a dress that makes her look like a whale, and asks what you think. You could say, "Holy shit, call the coast guard, we've got a beached whale!" or just, "Wow, when did you get so fat?"

Or, you could say, "I'm not liking that on you, I think it makes you look heavier than you really are." You still got your point across without being straight up mean. Honesty doesn't mean being a complete dick, and a lot of people don't understand the difference.

Yes, but we've never claimed we were mean, only honest. Many people do understand the difference, but choose to be a jerk anyway. I won't understand why, but that is not what true honesty is about. If my friend came out and asked how her dress looked, I'd say something like, "I'm not sure if that dress makes you look as good as the other dresses could. Why don't you try on more of a bigger size or something?"

[rubidoux]

Yes, but we've never claimed we were mean, only honest. Many people do understand the difference, but choose to be a jerk anyway. I won't understand why, but that is not what true honesty is about. If my friend came out and asked how her dress looked, I'd say something like, "I'm not sure if that dress makes you look as good as the other dresses could. Why don't you try on more of a bigger size or something?"

The OP said his problem is that people think that he's mean. I was making the suggestion to him.

Anyway how is what you just said anything different than my post? I don't understand how basically rewording what I said is a correction.

[FalconSmash]

The OP said his problem is that people think that he's mean. I was making the suggestion to him.

Anyway how is what you just said anything different than my post? I don't understand how basically rewording what I said is a correction.

I agree, Rubidoux. But I've never called somebody fat, or gone off like that. I tell them: "Hey, I don't think that's your color." Or, "You nkow this could use a bit of work."

I'm just called mean regardless though. *sigh*

Thanks to all of you who answered. I feel like an ass for completely neglecting this.

[bowlheadhere]

I agree, Rubidoux. But I've never called somebody fat, or gone off like that. I tell them: "Hey, I don't think that's your color." Or, "You nkow this could use a bit of work."

I'm just called mean regardless though. *sigh*

Thanks to all of you who answered. I feel like an ass for completely neglecting this.

What? How is that mean? You are just giving in some advice, they dont have to take it if they dont want to. At least one person will always find a way to not like you.

Your not a mean person, you tell the truth.