I Don't Feel Like Trying Anymore...

[Flutterfly]

I'm so sick of trying to stop, I mean, I want to stop SI, but I'm so sick of how hard it is not to. I'm so depressed all the time, and just when I think I might finally have escaped it... it's even harder then I remember. I don't know how to convince myself it isn't worth giving in because I just don't feel like I can. I don't feel like I deserve to stop, I screwed up quite a bit so don't I deserve it? I don't know, I guess I forget how much it hurts until after I do it. It doesn't seem to hurt until after it's been done, not even while I'm doing it. The scars don't ever seem to last more than a few days at most, my body just doesn't scar when I SI for some reason. Part of that just makes me want it more.
I'm tired of living.
My dad is working for friends because he doesn't really have a job.
The house I live in is in Foreclosure.
We're on food stamps.
Sometimes we don't have enough foodstamps and cash to go the whole month okay.
All my friends are willingly screwing up their lives.
Two of them started cutting because of me.
Only one has managed to stop.
My mom is extremely strict.
I have almost no social life...
I'm not even supposed to write poems to let out what I'm feeling because my mom gets mad.
Everyone I know is so judging about the whole cutting situation.
I have only one friend is willing to support me and help me IRL.
And a million other things are going wrong...

I feel stupid having said all this but it's so hard and I just feel like giving up. =[ I want to just give up, but I really don't. I want help, I can't talk to anyone about it IRL, I don't go to school so there are no counselors.

[just-another-guy]

hey i know how you feel i dont have it bad but i have been in the spot where you just feel like quitting and you don't deserve it no ones perfect just never forget that and just keep on going you said u had a friend that u can talk to keep talking to them ik that helps a lot to have someone who u can tell everything and im here to support you too its hard to stop but i have faith in you that you can do it. your dad will find work soon and things are getting better in the economy so people are starting to find more jobs so just keep going i know you can stop and remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

[ocean_blue]

Dont give up youre doing realy well!
i no its hard giving up and it feels like it isnt helping, just making u feel worse but just keep going- once u do u'll feel so much better- just take each day at a time :)
it sounds like ur in a bad place rite now, and im not sure theres anything i can do 2 stop the things that r making u feel crap, but i can at least try nd make u feel bettr.
try focusing on the good things in your life
at least people at VT care and are trying 2 help u stop SI.
and i no u can be more positive, b/c i no how helpful u wer 2 me wen i first found VT.
if u hav the power 2 change some1 elses live for the bettr, u sure as hell have it in u 2 change ur own.
u can pm me if u ever just want 2 moan, instead of writing poems.
i dont mind.
keep trying.....

[Mekipedia]

I'm so sick of trying to stop, I mean, I want to stop SI, but I'm so sick of how hard it is not to. I'm so depressed all the time, and just when I think I might finally have escaped it... it's even harder then I remember. I don't know how to convince myself it isn't worth giving in because I just don't feel like I can. I don't feel like I deserve to stop, I screwed up quite a bit so don't I deserve it? I don't know, I guess I forget how much it hurts until after I do it. It doesn't seem to hurt until after it's been done, not even while I'm doing it. The scars don't ever seem to last more than a few days at most, my body just doesn't scar when I SI for some reason. Part of that just makes me want it more.
I'm tired of living.
My dad is working for friends because he doesn't really have a job.
The house I live in is in Foreclosure.
We're on food stamps.
Sometimes we don't have enough foodstamps and cash to go the whole month okay.
All my friends are willingly screwing up their lives.
Two of them started cutting because of me.
Only one has managed to stop.
My mom is extremely strict.
I have almost no social life...
I'm not even supposed to write poems to let out what I'm feeling because my mom gets mad.
Everyone I know is so judging about the whole cutting situation.
I have only one friend is willing to support me and help me IRL.
And a million other things are going wrong...

I feel stupid having said all this but it's so hard and I just feel like giving up. =[ I want to just give up, but I really don't. I want help, I can't talk to anyone about it IRL, I don't go to school so there are no counselors.

I am Eli'
•∴•
I'm the kid who plays it tough;
You never see me cry.
But deep inside I'm the first to hurt;
Every night I slowly die.

Liar, lol. Look, bro, when life gets hard for me, I look at it this way:

"Someone always has it worse, so why am I upset?"

There's always a silver lining to every dark cloud and it'll ALWAYS get worse before it's over, so just keep your head up high.

Listen to some happy music.

Try Wavin' Flag - K'naan if you like Raggae. If you don't, try Arc of Time - Bright Eyes.

Helped me get through a lot of stuff. ;P

[Flutterfly]

What do you mean "liar"

No one in IRL except one friend even knows I'm depressed. I'm no liar.

Thank you guys for trying to help... I'm still really depressed though.

[Truth]

Liar, lol. Look, bro, when life gets hard for me, I look at it this way:

"Someone always has it worse, so why am I upset?"

There's always a silver lining to every dark cloud and it'll ALWAYS get worse before it's over, so just keep your head up high.

Listen to some happy music.

Try Wavin' Flag - K'naan if you like Raggae. If you don't, try Arc of Time - Bright Eyes.

Helped me get through a lot of stuff. ;P Yay4Ban.

What do you mean "liar"

No one in IRL except one friend even knows I'm depressed. I'm no liar.

Thank you guys for trying to help... I'm still really depressed though. Eli, you know, you dont need to SI, just cry. I stopped SI easily, because i knew the people that cared about me didnt want me to, and if they care about me i should care about them.

[Flutterfly]

Yay4Ban.

Eli, you know, you dont need to SI, just cry. I stopped SI easily, because i knew the people that cared about me didnt want me to, and if they care about me i should care about them.

I didn't thik about it like that... =[ now I feel horrible for not caring about them like I should.

I'm afraid to cry... if I cry... someone will know... and I'll have to explain... I don't like opening up to my family, they are too judgemental, and I don't see any of my friends enough to open up to them when I need to.

And whenever I do cry... I get introuble for it... =[

[Truth]

I didn't thik about it like that... =[ now I feel horrible for not caring about them like I should.

I'm afraid to cry... if I cry... someone will know... and I'll have to explain... I don't like opening up to my family, they are too judgemental, and I don't see any of my friends enough to open up to them when I need to.

And whenever I do cry... I get introuble for it... =[ Cry when your alone, its the only time i cry. Many people think im the type of guy that looks like a 'tank', doesnt get hurt and never cries, im the opposite of that. You dont need to tell anyone, and if you do they should be close to you.

[optimashprime]

Eli i have never SI but i have been depressed before and i know what your feeling i so much wanted it to end and i wanted to be free from all of the pain but i had hope because i found something i loved and i held on with all of my strength and i wasnt gonna let go

what im saying is that if you have anything to hold on too hold on to it with all of your stregth and if you havent come here and look for hope because its all ways out there it just needs to be found

and remember no matter how bad things get we are allways here and we allways will be here so if your feeling bad pm one of us and we will do everything in our power to make you feel better

Eli please hold on to life because people love you and need you more than you think

[Mintage]

One thing I have found helps is going for a long walk. Everytime I feel like SI I go for a walk and it really clears my mind. It could really help. It also sounds like things Aren't good at home. I know exactly what you're going through. Life can be tough when things at home are good but like people have said, things will get better. Also can't you write poetry in secret to write about how you feel without getting in trouble? If it helps then you should continue

[Flutterfly]

It's all so confusing, and it keeps getting worse.
Whenever I try to figure out why I even started, what else is adding up to make me do it, things I can change to make me stop... I just feel like giving in. It's so confusing I don't want to deal with stop... I guess being upset right now doesn't help...

[optimashprime]

if you ever need to talk pm me or add my msn which is [email protected]

[Flutterfly]

I already sent a request.

But I'm scared I'll give in today... I have to go somewhere I'd rather not go and I don't want it to be horrible... if it is... I'll probably cave... =[

[rubidoux]

For starters, you need to give your parents a break. The economy is so bad right now that your dad's lucky he has friends who can give him work. Lots of families are in your position right now, so don't feel like you're the only one. And as for your mom, she's under a lot of stress from it all right now, so her instinct's going to be to protect you as best she can. The idea of them not being able to provide for you is terrifying. I don't think she means to be unsupportive. There was a point in my life when I felt so depressed I cried every day, and my mom yelled at me if she saw. She was just so stressed out with everything going on in my family at the time, that she didn't understand what I had to be upset about. When we talked about it later, she said she was actually kind of jealous of how much simpler my life was and I wasn't appreciating it.

There's some negative aspects of your life you just have to learn to deal with, but get rid of any of them that you can. Stop associating with friends who cut. Restrict yourself only to the ones who make you feel good, but you need to try to concentrate on positive things also. Your friends will start to resent you and not want to hang out anymore if you're the one who's always depressed, complaining, etc. I'm not saying hide your feelings, I'm saying try to remember it's not all bad. When you think of something that depresses you, say to yourself, "Okay, but I have this going for me." Plan things you can look forward to, even if it's just a sleepover at a friend's house. You might not feel like doing these thing, but if you force yourself to do it you'll be grateful for it later on, and eventually it'll be less difficult to motivate yourself. Submerge yourself in your schoolwork, and when your grades reflect your efforts you'll have something to be proud of. See if there's even an after school activity you're interested in. The more you can keep yourself occupied with things you like to do, the less time you have to basically wallow in self pity about things you can't change anyway. Concentrate on the things you can change, and that's how you're going to be able to make your life better.

[Flutterfly]

I know my parents have it hard right now, and the economy is failing. My grandma always talks about it so I guess I just hear it more then I need to.
You're right... I guess I should just try that... thank you. =]

[optimashprime]

there you sound better all ready

yeah distract your self for aslong as you can