Helping my sister...

[TigerLily]

So my mother is really abusive, and me and my sister (she's 12 btw) have been subjected to her psychological, verbal and emotional abuse our whole lives. Things have improved lately, we are no longer living with her and my parents are in the process of getting a divorce sometime soon. I no longer maintain regular contact with her (my mum hates me too much for that), but my sister does. My sister hates her too, but she has to visit her, last time she didn't my mother rang up social services and said she was being denied access and shit like that :/.
My sister would always say these visits were going alright, and that she was ok and they were treating her well (I would always ask - I'm pretty protective over her when it comes to this). I believed her at the time. Maybe I was just believing what I wanted to hear.
But tonight I heard the pair of them on the phone, and my mother was really talking down to my sister and making her noticeably upset.
I told her to hand over the phone, and I hung up. I tried talking to my sister about it but she wasn't saying much. She said she was ok. I didn't believe her this time.
I really don't know what to do. Every bone in my body aches to protect her, because I'm the only one who knows what its like. I love her so much, but I'm too fucking useless to fix this... Please, I can't see her be put through what made 12 years of my life a living hell..
I can't even look after her when she needs me most. I'm such a fucking waste of space.

[goin to work]

dont have her go and when mom calls social serveices tell them why shes not going they will understand but im sure thres some underlieing reason why you dont wanna make mom mad? could you explane more im not sure why social services lets a daughter alone with an abuseive mom is the goverment aware shes abuseive

[TigerLily]

dont have her go and when mom calls social serveices tell them why shes not going they will understand but im sure thres some underlieing reason why you dont wanna make mom mad? could you explane more im not sure why social services lets a daughter alone with an abuseive mom is the goverment aware shes abuseive

Sorry, I feel a rant coming on here....
I'm sorry, but social services are in such a shitty state that I have no faith in them whatsoever.
These are the same people who decided when my dad originally wanted to divorce my mum, that she - the abusive mother for fuck's sake - should have custody. This is based on a psychological report made by a psychologist my mother BRIBED (using money my grandparents put in my parents bank account for mine and my sister's education), to say she wasn't at all abusive, and that she was 'the perfect parent'. There was an appeal, social services still didn't budge. (Me and my sister were too young to have a say at the time, I was 5 she was 3). As a result, my dad was forced to stay married to my mother for nearly a further 10 years just because he couldn't leave my and my sister with her, and so me and my sister suffered another 9 years of abuse that could have been avoided if only the system wasn't so fucked up.
They know all right, they just choose to dismiss it and not acknowledge it at all. If anything, they have only made more trouble for us than helped us.
[/rant]

[Underground_Network]

Too many systems across the globe are fucked up like that Rachel. Its unfair and, well, to put it simply, it sucks. Life's tough sometimes, and as I've said to a lot of other people, its how we cope with the struggles and the tough times that life hands us that makes us who we are. Dealing with the "bad" in our life is what defines our character.

And Rachel, when it comes to speaking with your sister, just try and remain calm. Talk to her; don't force anything out of her. Just talk subtly. Just say, "Hey, how are you doing?" Ask her if she wants to talk about anything (don't mention your mother specifically). If she wants to talk, she'll talk. And if she doesn't talk, but she appears visibly upset, keep pressing. Get a little rougher if you have to. Tell her you know how she feels and that talking is okay. Tell her that you want to be there for her, etc., etc. Tell her how you truly feel about her and how you want to be able to protect her, but that you can't protect her if she doesn't tell you everything. If she's truly feeling hurt and really needs to speak, I'm sure she'll speak to you in time.

[TigerLily]

Too many systems across the globe are fucked up like that Rachel. Its unfair and, well, to put it simply, it sucks. Life's tough sometimes, and as I've said to a lot of other people, its how we cope with the struggles and the tough times that life hands us that makes us who we are. Dealing with the "bad" in our life is what defines our character.

And Rachel, when it comes to speaking with your sister, just try and remain calm. Talk to her; don't force anything out of her. Just talk subtly. Just say, "Hey, how are you doing?" Ask her if she wants to talk about anything (don't mention your mother specifically). If she wants to talk, she'll talk. And if she doesn't talk, but she appears visibly upset, keep pressing. Get a little rougher if you have to. Tell her you know how she feels and that talking is okay. Tell her that you want to be there for her, etc., etc. Tell her how you truly feel about her and how you want to be able to protect her, but that you can't protect her if she doesn't tell you everything. If she's truly feeling hurt and really needs to speak, I'm sure she'll speak to you in time.

Thanks for the advice Adam :)
Part of me knows why she isn't talking, because I never used to either. She reminds me of myself so much, it's sorta worrying really... but anyway, we're really close and I'd like to think, and I'm pretty sure, she knows I'm there for her, but I won't stop telling her that. I'm thinking now that one of the reasons she might not be talking about it to me is that she thinks it would start an argument between my mother and myself (again the protective thing, I just get really angry when I see her hurting) and she might be worrying about that, because these arguments tend to get pretty heated and... yeah... my mother's not quite the kind of person you want to get into an argument with.
I could try and assure her that if she spoke to me then I wouldn't start an argument... and I would do that willingly if it meant she wouldn't be so alone... but do you think this is a good idea or does my mother need to be confronted over this? Gah, I'm really confused now :/

[Underground_Network]

I don't think you need to confront your mom over this. Though I honestly think it depends on what has been said. Do what you can to get your sister to speak, and then judge the severity of what has been said. I think that you should probably avoid confronting your mother if you know nothing good will come of it, but if you feel the NEED to, don't hold back.

[TigerLily]

I don't think you need to confront your mom over this. Though I honestly think it depends on what has been said. Do what you can to get your sister to speak, and then judge the severity of what has been said. I think that you should probably avoid confronting your mother if you know nothing good will come of it, but if you feel the NEED to, don't hold back.

I'm not quite sure what has been said, but I know the sort of things my mother is capable of saying. I don't really want to repeat them here.
And I know my sister wouldn't get upset over something that wasn't that serious, and part of me feels like I need to say something, but if the resulting conflict will hurt Sarah, then I don't want to do it...

[Truth]

Try to get your sister to say her mom's doing these things. Even shitty social services will have to do something (Personallll experience with shitty social services)