Whyyyyyyy Can't Life Be Simple.

[Trav3sty]

Sorry, this is gonna be a really big post, but if you stick through it and read it i will be REALLY greatful... Some people might also say this falls under sexuality, but i put it here because im more worried about the suicide aspect then the gay aspect.

I have been thinking about killing my self lately, which is strange for me. it used to be that suicide was a completely alien concept to me and i couldnt understand why anyone would do it, but right now, as far as I feel, the only thing stopping me from suicide is that I'm a wuss for pain.

I've halfassed it a couple of times, like falling asleep with a plastic bag over my head (It slipped off) and overdosing on Melatonin (I had six times the limit dose, and I cracked them open to break the extended release, and i was still only a little drowsy when i woke up. Pff cheap ass medicine)I hate myself even more for wanting to kill myself because of what it would do to my parents and my family, for having to put them through that. I've been turning it over in my mind, trying to find a way to make it look like an accident, but im too cowardly to try anything.

The feeling started when i started to believe i might be gay. I was only turned on my dudes, even though i really liked many girls. This point was when my depression was worst. But despite this, I wasnt sure i was gay because i was reading that sexuality was also emotional attachments, and i had only been emotionally attached to girls. But then, I learned from my brothers girlfriend that one of the kids on my crew team, a really hot senior in my boat, a jock and popular kid in my school, is gay. He's only come out to a few people, including the girl that hes going out with right now (ironically), my brother, and my bros girlfriend. I'm not even sure if I really believe it because my bros gf has a tendency to exaggarate. My brother is the only person I've even remotely come out to, and I've tried to bring it up to find out if this guy is really gay but again im too cowardly...

For a while, i was really happy because finally i saw that someone could live with being in the closet and be popular and cool, and by now i was completely in love with him... but then i got even more depressed because i realised "wow, even among gay people I would i wouldnt be able to get the guy i loved".

And to make it even more confusing, a few weeks ago i got drunk for the first time at a crew party and made out with this hot girl there (It was a pity make out, actually, everyone else had their bf/gf who they were kissing and i was all alone) I really enjoyed it and thought it was pretty hot (even though she was laughing, she is, after all, two years older then me). Now i dont know what i am, and more then anything i would like solid ground.

Im sorry, im finishing, just give me a few more lines....

Anyway, for the last 4 years i've been taking prozac for an anxiety disorder. I've never felt suicidal before this, but i stopped taking it for a while after i got scared it was causing this. because of this, I began to experiance my own version of anxiety attacks again in that i become terrified when i am on my own and cant really function other then sitting still and being scared. Im not afraid of death (obviously) and im not particularly afraid of pain (i just can't inflict it on my self). Its just an overreactio, something about hormones in my brain and receptors and blah blah blah doctor explained it , wasnt listening... but anyway, im going to have to live with it all my life apparently, meds can only suppress it, so at this point it seems like living sad or living scared.

I realise that this post doesnt have a specific question, i just really needed to get it out there...

[byee]

I think it might be a good idea to talk with that doctor who's prescribing the Prozac about all this. In therapy, you and he can explore these feelings and where they come from, and what they mean. 'Liking' a member of the same sex or being attracted to them doesn't indicate necessarily that you're gay. Sexuality is much more than that, and as you've rightly learned, it's about attachments. But to figure that part of it out, sometimes it takes both time, life experience, and a good guide there to help sort it all out with you.

Tell your folks you want to check in with the doc, make an appt. and start talking about all this. There's no reason to torment yourself over this.

[Zazu]

I think it might be a good idea to talk with that doctor who's prescribing the Prozac about all this. In therapy, you and he can explore these feelings and where they come from, and what they mean. 'Liking' a member of the same sex or being attracted to them doesn't indicate necessarily that you're gay. Sexuality is much more than that, and as you've rightly learned, it's about attachments. But to figure that part of it out, sometimes it takes both time, life experience, and a good guide there to help sort it all out with you.

Tell your folks you want to check in with the doc, make an appt. and start talking about all this. There's no reason to torment yourself over this.


Completely agree with Sam.

Also, another point, it's that that you're aware that suicide would cause a lot of grief to your parents, it really helps nothing. Quite a lot of people contemplate suicide because they feel that they're at the end of the road; they can't see a way out of things. I think as Sam suggested, you should go and see your doc and discuss what you are going to do next, how you are going to progress.

If in the meantime you want to talk to anyone else, there's loads of people here on VT who are willing to chat, including me.

[BuryYourFlame]

I've been turning it over in my mind, trying to find a way to make it look like an accident, but im too cowardly to try anything.

Not wanting to die is no-where near cowardly...it is human instinct...none of us want to die...some people think they do...but there is always a part, no matter how small, that says they want to be alive...

I strongly suggest talking to a professional about these suicidal thoughts that you are having...but in the mean time, if you want to talk to me, you can always PM me :)

i hope you are feeling better...