Pirate
May 29th, 2009, 10:55 AM
I've been cutting since I was 13. There was always something bothering me. First I was feeling really isolated, alone and pretty much hated myself. Then as I was getting better, my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and I couldn't cope with it. My mother, going through Chemo, took all her anger and that out on me and I made it worse by making it seem like I didn't care (in reality I found it easier to cope with if I pretended it wasn't happening)
Then things were better for a while, but every few months I'd feel rubbish and alone, and things would seem so hopeless. Every single best friend I've had has fucked off after a year or so, usually for no reason, they'll just stop talking to me or fall out with me over something silly so they don't have to talk to me.. I don't understand why people get so fed up with me.
When it comes to boyfriends, well, I went out with someone for a couple of months, fell in love with him during that time, and then he decided he'd had enough and broke up with me. He stayed my friend, which was nice, except that I still loved him for months and months, and he liked one of my friends..
Then I managed to get over him, finally, and fell for someone else, who did a similar thing - except, he was very cruel to me and when he was nice, because I'd really fallen for him, I'd lap it up, so we nearly ended up having sex.. and then he ignored me for two months.
Sex is a big issue for me, because I was abused by several people (mainly my older brother) when I was growing up, have only just started dealing with it and this boy knew all about it.
:( Whenever I think about/do anything at all sexual, I feel HORRIBLE and dirty, even though I know it's not wrong.
That was two years ago. After all that, when I was close to giving up, I met someone who became my best friend and then my boyfriend. We went out for 15 months, and for the first time in a VERY long time, I was genuinly happy. He was like my soulmate, and although we're young, I could see a future with him. He made me feel better about my childhood and I felt.. like a real person again. He was absolutly perfect, until we moved in together and then everything went rubbish. He started treating me like crap, and calling me a whore (which I hate, for obvious reasons) in front of everyone. He made me do all the housework and cook for him etc. I know he seems like a complete arsehole, but this wasn't completely constant and we were still happy. We went to Paris for a week on his birthday and decided to move there next year. I never forced commitment on him, it was something he mentioned. Then all of sudden, out of the blue, after one of his days of being horrible to me, he broke up with me. Now I've had to move out, and I just don't know how to cope. :( We had sex again, after the break up and straight afterwards, he told me he felt like we'd just 'used each other' which is, quite honestly, the worst thing he could say to me considering my history. The horrible feeling came back, and hasn't gone away. He was the only person who'd never made me feel like that.
Now, he's being horrible. He says we're still best friends, and he still cares, but he cancels on meeting me for other people, he still says horrid things to me when he's been drinking.. etc. Last weekend, I swore at him for the first time, and he threw his drink over me. In drunken rage, I hit him (not hard). I waited a day for him to calm down, and then apologised and said I knew I shouldn't have done it, but he still won't talk to me.
I've started self harming again, because it's like there's a huge hole in my chest or something that hurts constantly. Like someone's died or something. I don't understand how he could care so much, and be so understanding and we could be so in love, for all this to suddenly happen with no warning. And for him not to realise how sensitive I am about sex. :(
Now, I'm scared, because everything is so unbearable.. and so I self harm, but everytime I do, I find myself thinking "This isn't enough anymore.. the pain isn't going away" and I'm seriously considering suicide in my darker moments. I have very few consistant friends as well, so I have no one to speak to at all. (Hence the big rant, I'm sorry it's so long!)
Then things were better for a while, but every few months I'd feel rubbish and alone, and things would seem so hopeless. Every single best friend I've had has fucked off after a year or so, usually for no reason, they'll just stop talking to me or fall out with me over something silly so they don't have to talk to me.. I don't understand why people get so fed up with me.
When it comes to boyfriends, well, I went out with someone for a couple of months, fell in love with him during that time, and then he decided he'd had enough and broke up with me. He stayed my friend, which was nice, except that I still loved him for months and months, and he liked one of my friends..
Then I managed to get over him, finally, and fell for someone else, who did a similar thing - except, he was very cruel to me and when he was nice, because I'd really fallen for him, I'd lap it up, so we nearly ended up having sex.. and then he ignored me for two months.
Sex is a big issue for me, because I was abused by several people (mainly my older brother) when I was growing up, have only just started dealing with it and this boy knew all about it.
:( Whenever I think about/do anything at all sexual, I feel HORRIBLE and dirty, even though I know it's not wrong.
That was two years ago. After all that, when I was close to giving up, I met someone who became my best friend and then my boyfriend. We went out for 15 months, and for the first time in a VERY long time, I was genuinly happy. He was like my soulmate, and although we're young, I could see a future with him. He made me feel better about my childhood and I felt.. like a real person again. He was absolutly perfect, until we moved in together and then everything went rubbish. He started treating me like crap, and calling me a whore (which I hate, for obvious reasons) in front of everyone. He made me do all the housework and cook for him etc. I know he seems like a complete arsehole, but this wasn't completely constant and we were still happy. We went to Paris for a week on his birthday and decided to move there next year. I never forced commitment on him, it was something he mentioned. Then all of sudden, out of the blue, after one of his days of being horrible to me, he broke up with me. Now I've had to move out, and I just don't know how to cope. :( We had sex again, after the break up and straight afterwards, he told me he felt like we'd just 'used each other' which is, quite honestly, the worst thing he could say to me considering my history. The horrible feeling came back, and hasn't gone away. He was the only person who'd never made me feel like that.
Now, he's being horrible. He says we're still best friends, and he still cares, but he cancels on meeting me for other people, he still says horrid things to me when he's been drinking.. etc. Last weekend, I swore at him for the first time, and he threw his drink over me. In drunken rage, I hit him (not hard). I waited a day for him to calm down, and then apologised and said I knew I shouldn't have done it, but he still won't talk to me.
I've started self harming again, because it's like there's a huge hole in my chest or something that hurts constantly. Like someone's died or something. I don't understand how he could care so much, and be so understanding and we could be so in love, for all this to suddenly happen with no warning. And for him not to realise how sensitive I am about sex. :(
Now, I'm scared, because everything is so unbearable.. and so I self harm, but everytime I do, I find myself thinking "This isn't enough anymore.. the pain isn't going away" and I'm seriously considering suicide in my darker moments. I have very few consistant friends as well, so I have no one to speak to at all. (Hence the big rant, I'm sorry it's so long!)