Underground_Network
May 22nd, 2009, 08:29 PM
*Sigh*
Just when I thought things were getting better I'm lost in a sea of confusing thoughts... I just don't know. School is going better, though I'm still inexplicably screwing up in some classes where I know I can do better, and in one of my easiest and most important classes (in my eyes), Creative Writing 2, I've been slacking and putting almost no effort into anything and though its only ended giving me an A- thusfar instead of an A, I know I can do better and the class is intentionally supposed to be an easy A, so an A- really is inexcusable... But yeah, enough about school, because that's not my primary issue... In fact that's not really what's bugging me at all.
One thing that's bugging me I won't go into, but another thing that's bugging me is A) my social life and B) the fact that I feel as if I can't do anything to fix it... I went to a psychiatrist like two or three days ago (its pretty sad that I can't even remember) and was "diagnosed" with OCD and SAD (social anxiety disorder) and well, I think I'm fucked socially because of SAD and though I'm going to a therapist I don't know how much he's going to help... I feel helpless around other people that I don't know. I have a couple of close friends, but I'm even afraid to ask them if they want to hang out or do things together on the weekend, etc... I just, feel physically unable to...
I just CAN'T say what I want to when I want to. I CAN'T speak to certain people that I want to... My mind/body just won't let me. I literally freeze and can't say anything. I can be one of the kindest/sweetest guys online, I can say almost anything on my mind and I try to be as nice and polite and well, etc. as I can, but in real life I just can't do that... I WANT to be like that, but I just don't have it in me to talk to anyone. I don't know what's wrong with me... Its probably the SAD, but from what my therapist said you can get over SAD on your own (and at least partially have to), and I don't see that ever happening...
I just don't know, I keep thinking about the fact that I have NO social life, and its dragging me down... It gets me depressed and even suicidal... And then I obsess over certain people... And yes, I say people because its more than one person... But yeah, and then it drives me crazy when I realize I didn't say/ask this or that or because I still haven't gone up to them, etc... And I can obsess about things like that for days, even weeks.
I've been obsessed with this one girl in my school for something like three years now. And its not like I want to go out with her or anything like that... Far from it. I just feel drawn in by her and I want to befriend her. I want to talk to her. I want to be to her what I am to a couple of girls on here... Someone she can talk to about almost anything and everything. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do...
And now I feel like what I'm saying is insane... And I feel as if I'm insane... But I've been told by two therapists and the psychiatrist I saw that "I'm not crazy" but I just don't know... I get stressed out and "depressed" so easily, and I think that one day my depression mixed with a migraine could lead to me attempting suicide and not even thinking of the repercussions...
I just, can't handle this. And I know one day I'm going to slip. And I know that I'm not going to be able to feign this happiness any longer... Sooner than later I'm going to fall off that cliff unless I can get things in order and fix my life, and I just don't see that happening... Me falling off of a cliff seems so much more likely than me actually succeeding at turning my life around and overcoming my SAD/OCD... :/
Just when I thought things were getting better I'm lost in a sea of confusing thoughts... I just don't know. School is going better, though I'm still inexplicably screwing up in some classes where I know I can do better, and in one of my easiest and most important classes (in my eyes), Creative Writing 2, I've been slacking and putting almost no effort into anything and though its only ended giving me an A- thusfar instead of an A, I know I can do better and the class is intentionally supposed to be an easy A, so an A- really is inexcusable... But yeah, enough about school, because that's not my primary issue... In fact that's not really what's bugging me at all.
One thing that's bugging me I won't go into, but another thing that's bugging me is A) my social life and B) the fact that I feel as if I can't do anything to fix it... I went to a psychiatrist like two or three days ago (its pretty sad that I can't even remember) and was "diagnosed" with OCD and SAD (social anxiety disorder) and well, I think I'm fucked socially because of SAD and though I'm going to a therapist I don't know how much he's going to help... I feel helpless around other people that I don't know. I have a couple of close friends, but I'm even afraid to ask them if they want to hang out or do things together on the weekend, etc... I just, feel physically unable to...
I just CAN'T say what I want to when I want to. I CAN'T speak to certain people that I want to... My mind/body just won't let me. I literally freeze and can't say anything. I can be one of the kindest/sweetest guys online, I can say almost anything on my mind and I try to be as nice and polite and well, etc. as I can, but in real life I just can't do that... I WANT to be like that, but I just don't have it in me to talk to anyone. I don't know what's wrong with me... Its probably the SAD, but from what my therapist said you can get over SAD on your own (and at least partially have to), and I don't see that ever happening...
I just don't know, I keep thinking about the fact that I have NO social life, and its dragging me down... It gets me depressed and even suicidal... And then I obsess over certain people... And yes, I say people because its more than one person... But yeah, and then it drives me crazy when I realize I didn't say/ask this or that or because I still haven't gone up to them, etc... And I can obsess about things like that for days, even weeks.
I've been obsessed with this one girl in my school for something like three years now. And its not like I want to go out with her or anything like that... Far from it. I just feel drawn in by her and I want to befriend her. I want to talk to her. I want to be to her what I am to a couple of girls on here... Someone she can talk to about almost anything and everything. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do...
And now I feel like what I'm saying is insane... And I feel as if I'm insane... But I've been told by two therapists and the psychiatrist I saw that "I'm not crazy" but I just don't know... I get stressed out and "depressed" so easily, and I think that one day my depression mixed with a migraine could lead to me attempting suicide and not even thinking of the repercussions...
I just, can't handle this. And I know one day I'm going to slip. And I know that I'm not going to be able to feign this happiness any longer... Sooner than later I'm going to fall off that cliff unless I can get things in order and fix my life, and I just don't see that happening... Me falling off of a cliff seems so much more likely than me actually succeeding at turning my life around and overcoming my SAD/OCD... :/