It's crazy.

[nachtspiegel]

I got back into therapy. I go Thursday at one. I'm still not medicated. When I go to see my therapist, I want to tell her about everything. The almost never ending suicidal thoughts. The way that I wake up every day hoping to die. I'm not over anything. I lost my case with the psych doctor because I missed an appointment and my mom decided not to make another one. Now, when I mention it to her, she just ignores me or gets defensive. Sometimes, I feel like looking at her and telling her that she's going to end up having a dead son on her hands if she doesn't get it together, but I doubt that even that would get through to her.
I've been thinking of suicide methods and I've come up with way too many ways to do it. I've tried it four times. I thought that I had gotten better, but I haven't.
I get that this thread is a "cry for help" - right now, I'm in the state of mind that I know that I need to get it together. I don't know what will happen in the next hour. I've lost almost all control of my emotions and I have no control over my thought processes. I'm a mess.

[MysticalBurrito]

=[ Death isnt the answer things can and might get better
Therapy is the best idea
I dont understand how your mom can't tell that you might need therapy
Maybe it would be a wake up call if you said something like that
It might not
It might make her even more mad/numb
to this deal going on
please dont kill yourself
:( its never the answer

[byee]

David, you know, I've been closely following you, but haven't responded b/c I'm not so sure you really appreciate my perspective. But I'll try this one more time.

I think you need to take just one more chance with therapy, wait until the appt. to talk all this over (although maybe not at the first session). I think what you need is an ally here outside your family. I think you want the impossible from them to listen to you and make the requisite changes to keep you happy. I hope that they could do that, but like you, I'm not too hopeful here.

There's a second (and perhaps more reasonable expectation): Being able to let go of that fantasy, and grabbing onto another. Like the idea that therapy can help you learn to tolerate and cope with *that* disappointment, as well as learn better ways of dealing with that crushing sense of loss you seem to have, too.

At the expense of sounding Confusian, let me remind you that "Wise man once said if you cannot catch fish in one end of pond, you need to paddle to other area." Pull your line in, there's nothing in *that* area, David. Use your therapist to help you find a better, more productive spot.

[nachtspiegel]

Karina... she really should know. I got out of the hospital almost a year ago and no more than fifteen minutes after I was released, it was almost as if nothing ever happened. It took her a month and several calls from my social worker to get me back into therapy. She went off when I wanted to switch from one center to another.
I'm pretty confident now that going to her anymore is useless. :hug:
I feel better today. When I feel fine, I am fine. But it's the moments that I feel like I'm on a roller coaster about to crash into a brick wall that everything gets thrown out of perspective.

Sam... actually, this is the therapist that I've had since November. I just haven't seen her in two or three weeks. She's leaving soon, though. I've had more than a handful of therapists and she's the only one I've been able to talk to.
And, you're right. It just drives me crazy that I bend over backwards and don't get the least bit of the "meet in the middle" perspective from them. I tell myself that I'm not hopeful for any change in that area, but my actions prove otherwise.
I'll try. I'm just not sure if I want to move on to another therapist considering that I just got used to the one that I have now.