I think I'm going to break :/

[underageflyklub]

I apologies in advance for how long this probably is going to be. Sorry.
I'm also sorry I've made quite a few posts lately.. I don't know.. things seem to be at their worst.

Things have been a massive mess lately.. I feel like I'm going to break soon, I really do.
I'm just..really scared :/ On Friday, it's my last 'official' day of school- then we only come in for exams.
I look at school, kind of like a haven. I'm safe there, and I'm not lonely. I don't like it much, admittedly, but, I'm not alone, you know? If anything goes wrong, I know there is someone to talk too.. because they have too, as it's their job.

I'm really scared of leaving. Things have gotton worse, and as soon as my exams are over in a month, that's that. No more school for about 10 weeks? I'm becoming more unhappy, and more paranoid, and I'm even being very unsocial- not seeing friends or going out.

If I do badly in my exams.. I think that will be it. If I don't make it into college, I think it's going to tear me apart.
But even if I do get into college- I'm afraid my anxiety will get the better of me. I'm the sort of person who would pretend I'm ill to get out of something at the first chance I get, purely because of nerves. I never used to be like this.

But, that's aside the point. I think the next 3 months are going to be the end of me :/ I'm scared. I really am. I've never been suicidal, but these last few months I have been.

I don't know what to do.
Please, please tell me what to do :/ I'm so confused.

I'm sorry this is a massive ramble- something I will probably edit tomorrow. My thoughts are rushing, and I'm finding it hard to focus.

Thanks.

[byee]

First, not to worry about all your postings! I hope we're of some help to you.

I think you're facing a lot of loss with the end of the school year, and that's understandably upsetting you. It might be helpful to take a step back from it, and realize that eventhough you're giving up a lot of the support you have in school, that you made that happen for yourself there. So, you can make that happen wherever it is you're spending the summer. It might not be as easy or convienent, but the ability to create support and comfort is a part of who you are, it's a skill, it's not just a part of the (school) environment. You need to figure out how to use that ability to create support in your summer place.

I'd also not worry too much about exams and college, that's off in the future, anyway. All you can do right now is prepare and be as conscientious as possible, something that sounds like a part of who you are, anyway.

And remember, those people you love at school are still available to you over the summer, maybe in different forms (online, mail, calls, etc.), so they might not be as unavailable as you fear. Try to establish some agreement on staying in touch, it might make the good bye a little easier to tolerate as it won't seem so permanent.

[SlightlySane]

Take yourself out of your situation mentally. Make it almost an out of body time traveling experience.

Now, follow the poor girl who is quickly becoming stressed out and thinks it's going to break. Look at here very closely, and see what a loss it would be if suddenly the world didn't have her anymore. If suddenly, she wasn't there. It may seem that many people may not notice, but the ones who know you will notice more than anyone else and it will hurt them more than you can imagine.

When you talk about school being a haven it must mean you have friends and if you don't think you can make it through the summer without them do you think they can do it without you? It's not only about you when it comes to taking your life. In the end it only comes down to being your choice, but it affects all the people that will have to live with it.

Just remember that there are so many more people involved, people that love you, when you think about taking your life.

[underageflyklub]

First, not to worry about all your postings! I hope we're of some help to you.

I think you're facing a lot of loss with the end of the school year, and that's understandably upsetting you. It might be helpful to take a step back from it, and realize that eventhough you're giving up a lot of the support you have in school, that you made that happen for yourself there. So, you can make that happen wherever it is you're spending the summer. It might not be as easy or convienent, but the ability to create support and comfort is a part of who you are, it's a skill, it's not just a part of the (school) environment. You need to figure out how to use that ability to create support in your summer place.

I'd also not worry too much about exams and college, that's off in the future, anyway. All you can do right now is prepare and be as conscientious as possible, something that sounds like a part of who you are, anyway.

And remember, those people you love at school are still available to you over the summer, maybe in different forms (online, mail, calls, etc.), so they might not be as unavailable as you fear. Try to establish some agreement on staying in touch, it might make the good bye a little easier to tolerate as it won't seem so permanent.


I understand where you're coming from. You're right.. and I was overreacting a little bit, I see now..

I guess I'm just scared, also, because of the loss of the teachers- they support me and help me a lot, which I really will loose.
I think another part of me is worrying about the fact that I, for whatever reason, think I won't be able to get help and it's too late. I've been extremely unhappy and messed up over the past 3 years and haven't done anything about it- well I have in bits, but nothing to actually help myself. My paranoia and determined thought there is something wrong with me, and I suffer with my confidence and am becoming extremely detached to everything. And becoming more socially inept and unsociable.

Everything is such a mess, you know? :/
And leaving school makes it worse, because any help could have had isn't there anymore.. I think :S

Sorry- I'm trying to work this out as I go along.
I don't know.

Thankyou for your reply, again, Sam. You've helped me so much now, and over the past. I really appreciate it :)

[underageflyklub]

Take yourself out of your situation mentally. Make it almost an out of body time traveling experience.

Now, follow the poor girl who is quickly becoming stressed out and thinks it's going to break. Look at here very closely, and see what a loss it would be if suddenly the world didn't have her anymore. If suddenly, she wasn't there. It may seem that many people may not notice, but the ones who know you will notice more than anyone else and it will hurt them more than you can imagine.

When you talk about school being a haven it must mean you have friends and if you don't think you can make it through the summer without them do you think they can do it without you? It's not only about you when it comes to taking your life. In the end it only comes down to being your choice, but it affects all the people that will have to live with it.

Just remember that there are so many more people involved, people that love you, when you think about taking your life.

I know.. you're right.
It's strange.. I've never felt properly suicidal before, and stupidly I didn't realize I did, until it hit me that I've been thinking about death so much, and the fact that I'm actually thinking about killing myself and how much more pleasant things would be if I were too.
The only thing that used to put suicide or the idea of death seem silly was the fact that it would kill my mom too.. but now, it's so easy to forget that, you know? It's not that I don't care about her or love her, but I can just not feel anything so easily nowadays, any reasoning against the notion is kind of forgotten.

But.. thankyou, for your words. I'm trying to keep them in mind, and push the idea of suicide out of my head- it just seems like an impulsive thought. But what you've said brings me back down to earth, somewhat.
Thankyou. :)

[TODAYisTHEday]

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