I Want to Die...

[Underground_Network]

I want to die now more than I ever have before.

I'm not going to rant. The reasons for my emotions are either too complicated or inexplicable.

There's only one person I'd be willing to talk to.

And I don't even know if that would help.

I want to die so badly right now. I don't know if I'm willing to do it though...

This may just be a radical mood swing, this may just be me going crazy, this may just be a cry for attention or a cry for help... I honestly don't know. I don't know why I'm so drawn to suicide. I don't know why I'm willing to go this far. I know all the logic behind not committing suicide... But I'm just so convinced that my life's not worth living... I'm so lost... I think I need someone to guide me... But who the fuck would ever know how to guide be or where to guide me... Let alone be willing to guide me?

[Bobby]

I thought things were going well? I'm sorry Adam. Try and get some sleep and calm down.

[IfPiratesCouldFly]

There's no need for that.
How do you know you want to die if you don't know what it's gonna be like?
I think you should try to want to live your life as long as you possibly can, because there's so much to get from it. Even if things go bad, there's so much good.

I think more than anything, you want to cease living the life you do now, but not die.
Because frankly, no one knows what happens after death, and for all you know it could be worse. If you want my opinion, if life doesn't come back, you're dead, forever, and if you can be conscious during death, and death is horrible, then you might want to live.
Just think of what death could be like, do you really want to die? It could be absolutely terrible, and it could be forever.
Forever doesn't end, it's not ten years, fifty years, one-hundred years, a thousand, a million. It doesn't end.

Call it procrastinating if you'd like, but if I were you, I'd live for as long as possible no matter how unhappy you are at the time, because it may turn out worse if you kill yourself.

[Underground_Network]

Bobby, things are getting better sort of... But its just how my head works. I get migraines, and my migraines are far more intense than your average headache. They drive me insane and they themselves can drive me to be suicidal. They're easy to overcome (ranting/talking to people and medication), but when I get them they just drive me insane. That and I think I'm either bipolar or have some type of disorder that causes EXTREME mood swings. I mean, hormones can cause minor mood swings, but I think its more than that with me. Sometimes I'm EXTREMELY happy and sometimes I'm EXTREMELY depressed.

But yes, I just spent a half hour talking with my mom about how I've felt over the last couple years and I feel extremely relieved. I'm probably going to see a therapist on Wednesday and I'm starting to realize I can't handle things on my own. I'm ready to talk to someone (unlike my last venture to a psychiatrist) and I'm ready to straighten things out. I think I need professional help or I'm doomed to have another extreme relapse. I think if I can beat this "depression" (I put it in quotes as I've never been diagnosed) and whatever else is currently messing with my head and more or less ruining my life that maybe I can be an extremely successful person.

People on here are telling me I can write, and I'm starting to believe them. My English teacher and my creative writing teacher have also told me I'm an inspirational writer and that I have a knack for writing. I'm also a great orator/speaker, even though I'm extremely shy. I think if I can overcome my shyness (which is definitely at least partially caused by my migraines/depression/etc.) I could make a huge impact on the world. And that's all I've ever wanted to do. I want to help people and make them happy. Some of my writing is just getting my emotions out, but a lot of my writing is inspired by the idea of writing something that will put a smile on someone's face. That has always been my goal in life. Not to keep myself happy, but to make others happy.

When I first revealed to my mom nearly an hour ago how I was feeling and she reacted somewhat upset I started to get worse, but she could see it in me and she immediately understood. She let me talk to her and was completely understanding and kind about it. As I started to calm down and just talk to her like a normal person, she began to grow happy about the fact that I was willing to get this all out and that I was willing to do something about changing my life... And that made me happy.

And well, I can only hope things improve from here...

[EverlostPoet]

come on man, think about if you stay alive, me, you, and Origami can write tha best poem eva!