Lifelong confusion

[aMrA]

Hello, I'm actually not teen anymore (in my 20s) but I've been living a very.. "closed" life (note: not closeted, although there's confusion). I've attended a boys-only high school and never had a romantic relationship there. Pretty much continued living a single-life until recently.

I've always felt very confused with sexuality in my life and lately things have gotten to a point where I'm in a very bad situation (mentally and generally). I've found these forums while searching for answers regarding sexual orientation and confusion and while it's odd (for my age) I guess giving it a shot here can't hurt.

First some facts about me:
1. I always masturbated to girls (never worked on boys even if I tried)
2. I almost kissed a man spontaneously (teacher, but still during puberty), happened only once tho
3. I'm quite anti-social
4. Never had a real girl-friend before this one (no boyfriends in the sexual sense)
5. Never was much into sex (masturbation fantasies are wild, but I never felt compelled)
6. Was "in love", but one-way (they never loved me back) twice, always with a girl and it was both times very painful for me (I guess I'm a bit too emotional)

Recently I got a girlfriend (slightly younger, but much more experienced) and things progressed nicely (albeit a bit too fast for my tastes). We tried having sex a few times already but I always failed. I can get an erection going but it always simply dies off in the middle. It was always with a condom so the blame went there but in all honesty I'm fairly sure that the condom was irrelevant. Obviously she'll want to have sex again, and while she's very understanding I think failing again might simply be the end of it.

Thing is I'm extremely confused. I've never identified myself and it's driving me nuts. Sure it's "labels" but when you yourself don't know what the hell you actually want it's like living a hell instead of life. Right now my self-esteem is below 0 and I get frequent depressions (being a natural pessimist doesn't help).

Also I think my sexual desire in general is low. Not being sure about myself doesn't help but I think I'm generally very "weak" in this aspect (no matter the "target"). Note: penis is adequate so it's a loss ;) (yeah, some jokes to keep it real)

I don't even know what I expect from this thread tbh. Do you think I should try some stimulants (viagra etc.) for the first few tries and see if it helps or what?

Whenever I try to do some sort of "self-solving" I end up with confusion and conflicting "measurements". I read in another thread that there's at least 3 layers, sexual, physical and emotional and I'm starting to think I'm pretty badly messed up (like sexual girls, physical boys and girls, emotional girls but that's just a wild guess, I never cared much for boys when it comes to emotional feelings). Being in my 20s doesn't help either, I constantly feel like I missed the train and wasted my life to top things off.

[byee]

Well, being your age means that you should have the wherewithall to get some professional help, so I'd encourage that. You've gone thru puberty and now have the sense to figure out what your feelings are and most importantly, where they come from.

Until then, I'd also recommend you avoid Viagra, your issues don't seem physical, you're able to masturbate successfully (regardless of frequency), so what you've got isn't so much the result of physical impotence, but some psychological factors. That's what needs to be addressed, not the erection. You might want to slow down with your girlfriend, too, at least until you feel safe and secure and in control enough to take it to a sexual level.