Terrible Triangle thing

[Hobbes]

Ok. There is a girl that I have always liked. She was a foreign exchange student to Germany last school year, but this year we got to know each other and have become friends. I somewhat asked her out on a date near the beginning of the year, and she said (verbatim): "I just want to be friends for now." So we put it behind us and now we are pretty tight.

This year I also have become friends with this guy in my class that moved here 2 years ago. I knew of him before, but over the past 7-8 months we have essentially become best friends.

He met her about 5 months ago in a lit class we all had together. He liked her almost from the beginning but didn't come out with it until just about 2 weeks ago. He asked her out on a date essentially, but because she is already going to the prom (which is this coming Saturday) with a mutual friend of his and I's (as friends), she asked that I come along, so that until after prom their relationship stays on a friend level.

I had a long talk with her about him, and she admitted to me that she likes him, but she is unsure because we graduate in a month, and after that she is going to her dad's place for the summer and then off to a different college.

So I went along as the third wheel to the new Xmen movie (pretty cool btw). They were flirting. Nothing too intimate, but it was very obviously there.

I still like her. By all accounts, I am nothing short of in love with her. And believe me- I am the first person to say that love is a term too easily thrown around. But it's true. I had come to terms with the fact that nothing would probably ever happen between us, but this is different. I've known this girl forever- we went to the same elementary school, and now he is sweeping in out of nowhere and getting the girl that I've always wanted- and I have to be there to witness it.

The hardest part is that he is my best friend. I would take a bullet for him. Hell. I even fucking encouraged him to call her when he told me how he felt about her. I know her obviously better than he does, and I helped him do it.

I called her. Today. I told her that I still like her- she said "thanks for telling me." I told her that I was afraid of losing her. I told her we should stay in contact through college, and stay friends. She agreed. I told her I was totally okay with the way him and her were going. I'm not. I wish that I was. I wish that I could tell her that I love her and that seeing them like that tears me to pieces. I wish that I didn't love her, so that this wouldn't be so hard.

I can barely think. It feels like my world is falling down around me.

I think that subconsciously I am trying to work against them. I don't mean to. Today he got mad at me for calling her again. I don't want him to be mad at me. I don't want to be overly intrusive. I want to help but it feels like everything I try to do just turns to shit.

I thought I had everything together but I don't. I don't know what to do.

[IAMWILL]

Ahhh.. A nice new knowledgeable person! :) first off, welcome to VT! I'm Will, and I'll pretty much answer any relationship question on the planet. Now, as for this question...

It seems as though this dilemma of yours has two sides to it. You love this girl, and as it seems you completely understand how it all works, so I totally believe you. But a friend always gets in the way... I could write a book on how to solve this, but I'll try to stick to a few paragraphs.

When someone interferes with a relationship, and you don't know what to do, I say always stick with the one you've know longer, which in this car is the girl. You know her better, you understand her better, you've known her longer. Experience comes with time, to be said shortly. You need to deal with your friend in a mature, serious way, if you want this to at least resolve to something near what you want from the situation.

It's very hard to watch someone slip away from you, not to mention extremely hard to handle. Now you must not get overreactive here, but you do have to deal with this. It's good that you talked to her about this, because it means that you put a wake up call in her mind that you're still here. If this other guy is getting MAD at you for expressing your feelings to a girl you've know for longer than him, he needs to rethink some things. Don't mind him, as he is simply jealous because maybe he doesn't have a person he can talk to about stuff like that.

To be honest though, you really must must tell the 100% truth when talking about this. Saying that you're okay with something when you're not, especially in a situation like this, it makes A LOT of a difference. If she thinks you're okay with this, she will continue doing things with your friend. If she knows you're not okay with it, she'll take that from the great friend you seem to be and restrain herself from more than usual. If I were you, I'd call her up ASAP, and tell her the truth, ever last bit of it.

That should help ya! Cya around.

[Hobbes]

Thank you. You're right. It's a little late now but I will call her tomorrow and tell her.
I'll let you know what happens.

[byee]

Well, you're in luck b/c you've got the IAM tribe on this one!

I think the real issue here is unrequitted love, you know, where you desperately want something you just cannot have. I feel your pain. And I also wish I could tell you this will be the first and last time this will happen. *Sigh*.

Sometimes, the feelings you have for someone else are not recriprocated, and there's not much you can do with that. I think you need to acknowledge to yourself how sad and disappointed you are, and move on. You can only work on the way you feel, you really can't change someone else's feelings.

She's still a friend, and although it's not what you really want, it's better than nothing (which is probably what will happen if you don't manage you disappointment/jealousy better).

[Hobbes]

I talked to him today.
I told him that it's really hard for me to watch them like that, and that I hope he would understand. He just tried to give me a bunch of reasons why he should do it anyway. I told him that I don't ask him to sacrifice anything for me but this is different. I make sacrifices for him a lot, that is just the kind of person that I am, but I cant make this one for him. He said he would do the same for me but he wouldn't. There's no way. He thinks that I am jealous (I am a little), and he said that "just because you missed the boat doesnt mean I shouldnt have a chance" then he proceeded to essentially tell me that she likes him better because he is obviously better than me in every way so "get over it."

I talked to her today.
I told her how I felt and she understands. She told me that before I called her she had already decided to tell him that she just wants to be friends anyway. She said she doesnt want us to get in a fight over it and that she thinks he has forgotten what she wants. She said she doesnt want to hurt me over such a trivial thing.

She is going to tell him tomorrow after school that she just wants to be friends.

[Hobbes]

What the fuck.

Ok so yesterday evening she called me again. She wanted advice about how to break the news to him. She said she was scared. I said just tell him how you feel, however that is. There is nothing to be afraid of if you are being honest. She thanked me for talking to her, and she asked me if it was okay if she called me more often, she just didn't want me to think I was into her. I told her don't worry, you can call me whenever. I know that that ship sailed a long time ago.

Apparently, today she was eating lunch with two friends of mine. One of them told me everything that was said.

She told them that what I said to her yesterday was really pathetic, and that I had my chance but I didn't act. That is not true. I asked her on a date, and she told me that she "just wants to be friends." That was right around the time that I supposedly "didn't act." I thought she was really not interested so I resolved to be her friend, which I thought was working out.

I told her everything. I said we should be honest with eachother, and say exactly how we feel. She said she would. I did, but apparently she has been lying to me.

I called her, and left a voicemail asking her to call me back.

I think that she may have broken it off with him purely because she thinks I am too pathetic to handle it? I don't know if anything she said to me was true.

What should I do?

EDIT: False alarm. It looks like everything is cleared up now. He is a little upset with me but I think it will be okay.
Thanks for the help.

[yoyoyo12]

Bro look this girl is DEFINITELY weirded out... if you DO like her as much as you say... you cant exactly TELL her that.. becuz you gotta know girls.. girls can change their oppinion of you reallllyyy easy.. if you say one wrong thing they can see you differently... you shouldnt have said all those things to her because she definitely doesnt know how to react to something like that.. so she goes with the flow trying not to hurt you.. then she vents to other people not realizing that it will spread... lol it happens so often... but what you should have done is let her have her fun with this guy.. and since you know them both well... you should know if theyre going to last or nottt.. chances are they probably wont... and then shell be single again... maybe you should stop seeing her for a while.. cut back on the conversations.. let her get HER head straight, and you just get your shit together... Try to make your self more appealing to her, and dont appear like a wuss or anyting to her... Be the man, man! Show her that she doesnt phase you (even if it kills ya on the inside).... and just play around with other girls.... youll see things change reallll quick if you change your tactics.. cuz just spilling your feelings to a girl is gonna make her feel weird.. not gonna lie... ive had gr 9 girls do that to me.. and its fucken weirddd...



basically learn the laws of attraction! some get it naturally, others gotts learn it...
be smart, and be a guy! man it should be there naturally!


and yes i know you know her SOOO well.. but some time apart with little/no contact will cause her to forget some of the drama and shit thats been going on, and the next time she sees you make sure you dont seem like she took your soul.

[Hobbes]

Sorry dude, but that is terrible advice.

I don't want to get with this girl in a romantic way, nor do I plan to "play around" with "other girls".

Everything worked out fine. She wasn't talking shit about me. I found out that my other friend only told me that because she was jealous.

To me, being open is always the way to go, even when it is hard.
It's not a game either, it's real life, and real people deserve to know the truth.

I think you need to sort out your priorities man. It's not all about the score.

[IAMWILL]

^^lol, REJECTION. (As in the other posters advice).

Well it's good that she wasn't talking shit about you, it shows she's a real friend (but you already know this I hope). I don't think further advice is needed here. You can handle it from here out, so good luck! Besides, it seems like you can answer all your questions, becuase as they say, it takes half of an answer to ask a question, and since you know what you're looking for, haven't you already figured it out? (rhetorical question)

[Hobbes]

thanks.