How much longer?

[nachtspiegel]

I've started remembering more from the years of my past that I blocked out.
In the mix, I continue to fight myself every day.
No one understands why I've been so irritable and aggravated.
Most of the ones that don't get it have never been in my position.
I get nauseated every time I look in the mirror.
I wish that the people who do care for me would stop showing it.
I'm tired of having cords and chains keeping me here.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I am the only one out of all of the people that I associate with on a regular basis that doesn't believe in God or a higher power.
I'm not sure whether I do or not.
Right now, fading into nothing to rot in the ground couldn't appeal to me much more.
I can't handle this.
I really can't handle this.
I was once asked whether going through trauma or living it's aftermath is worse.
I can't speak for everyone, but the aftermath is driving me into the ground.
I started out being harmed.
Now, my biggest wish is to do it in ways that no one else was smart enough to.
I spend all of my time debating whether or not I should stay here.
I have a sincere wish to get it over with.
I'm torn.
I can't do this.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I agree with you the aftermath is probably worse...Look I know it's hard and I can't say that I haven't thought about ending it all myself...but don't end it...stick it out...hang in there. I know YOU can! I believe that you are a strong person, you just got to hang on...I know how tough somdays can get...if you ever want to talk...I'm here!

[nachtspiegel]

Thank you.
:hug:

My common sense is telling me that I need to go back to the hospital.
I lied my way out of there the last time and I never came to any real solutions.
If I go in, I run the risk of losing my job and missing my chance to go to school this fall.
If I don't, I may very well end up dead and none of it will matter.
I need to clear my head.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Well I encourage you to seek help, but maybe if your worried about losing your job or not being able to go to school in the fall maybe you can seek help in a different way than the hospital, you could try going to a counselor or something like that. But if you see no other way to get help than through the hospital I really encourage you do go. It's better to be alive and to lose your job and not go to school in the fall than to not be alive at all. It's worth staying alive trust me. I think it's great that you realize that you do need to get help though...a lot of people are not able to admit that. I am proud of you! If you ever need to just clear your head feel free to PM me...feel free to say whatever is on your mind.