It is the second time around.

[nachtspiegel]

When I was eleven, I watched my grandmother die - not the actual moment she passed, but the days leading to it. I remember her skin with no color. The ghastly sight of the eyes and the terrible screams that she exhibited in the middle of the night. She took a downward spiral about a year before she passed. In her final two weeks, she starved and withered from thirst. It was found on file that she had an order to not be kept alive by artificial means. As a result, her feeding tube was removed. I spent the last five days except for the day she died with my mom at her house. Although she is my father's mother, my father was too busy drinking to notice much of anything but himself.
I'm not sure how that effected me emotionally. I didn't see her very often, but we still had a strong bond. We talked on the phone all the time and she always kept tabs on my life and how I was doing. I have mixed feelings about her now because of the things I have learned about her since she passed. I miss her being around, and her passing was a transformation of sorts in my life.

This time, I am watching someone much closer fade: my oldest sister. She is twelve and a half years older than I am. She just turned twenty nine, and I am sixteen, soon to be seventeen. We have always been close. She has been dealing with the repercussions of kidney failure for years, but recently, her health took a nose dive. In addition, she has gone into heart failure. She is on dialysis but she is deteriorating. I have hope somewhere deep in my heart, but my heart breaks for her every day and I have been fighting back tears for weeks. She has been in the hospital a week this time.

She's been through so much. It must be terrible to be in her position, especially because she has a ten year old daughter - we are all very tight knit. It's one of the toughest things - watching someone you love slip away, knowing that you can do nothing to stop it.
They say that the ones you love the most are the ones that die first. That doesn't always prove true, but I'm not sure if it could be more true in this situation.

I wanted to get that out of my system.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

:hug: Oh, David. My sister was younger than me, and the circumstances were different, but I can sympathize with watching a sibling be so sick. I hope she improves, I truly do. Just hang in there, and remember that nothing is entirely set in stone yet. May I ask what's wrong with her kidneys? Could she be eligible for a transplant? Even if she's not, a family member can still choose to donate one if they're a match, she just can't take up a spot on the waiting-for-a-donor list. I'm sure that thought has already crossed your mind, but I thought I would mention it. If the donor kidney were healthy, she'd be fine with just one. My sister was born with only one functioning kidney (the other had a defect, causing it to be entirely useless from birth), and it wasn't ever an issue for her aside from some contact sport limitations.

Just hang in there. I know it's hard, but I also know how much you've gone through and how strong you are. You can survive this. If you ever want to talk, my door is always open, so to speak. :)

[Bobby]

I'm so sorry D :(
It's so hard - knowing it's going to happen and you can't do anything.
Just be strong and remind her how much you love her.

[nachtspiegel]

I've read a few posts that you've made about your sister. That must have been so rough, and I imagine that it never really gets much easier. I've been short on magic words lately, but I wanted to acknowledge that I do read your posts, even if I don't always reply. (Usually, when I don't, it's because I have nothing to contribute.)

A transplant was a long shot before because of her weight. She was told to lose thirty pounds before being eligible, but she has heel spurs in both of her feet, so sometimes, walking around the house can be a trial for her.
She was almost eight months pregnant in 2002 when she lost her second daughter. She had gained weight from her previous pregnancy but had lost it. After she lost my niece, she didn't care about her weight, understandably. I still think that that is a huge weight on her mind: my niece would have been seven in September.
Her kidneys first failed when she was thirteen. They believe that it was because of undetected high blood pressure. When she was my age, her kidneys got better, and they stopped worrying so much. In the past few years, she's gotten worse. They took forever getting her on dialysis (it took four tries to get a piece that would work - she's had one a catheter replaced once and then taken out, her first arm fistula was fucked from the start, and she has a "working" on in her other arm, but the blood is flowing the wrong way because the surgeon who did it put it in backwards.)
She's actually having a catheter put in tonight for the purpose of dialysis until her pneumonia clears and they can operate on her to fix the piece in her arm.

They've told her that a kidney transplant is a very long shot now because of her heart also failing. I'm not sure how well I can handle this, but it isn't about me. I'm still living my daily life: working, getting everything together for college in the fall, spending time with people, and going to therapy, to live as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
Her spirits change. Some days, she's optimistic and in the mindset to take on the world, but increasingly, her thoughts have turned to transitioning my niece to live with her dad and his family in the event that she's not going to live through this. On other days, she talks as if she's ready to give up dialysis and the fight in general. She went off of dialysis in November because she was tired of going and being sick, but she started to get it back together in March when she realized that she wasn't invincible.
I imagine that all of her thoughts are to be expected. I can't say that I'd be perky if I were in her situation. Hell, I'd be the biggest downer around.

In any event, I do my absolute best to keep a smile and positive attitude when I'm in her presence. I still tell her about things going on in my life so that she doesn't feel left out, but I pick and choose carefully as not to burden her.
I get paid Friday, and on Friday night, we're ordering pizza out of her hospital room and watching all three of the POTC movies.

Sorry for such a long reply.
I'm waiting until she calls to tell me that the catheter is in place so that I can go visit her.
I've been doing my best to make it up there every day, and I've only missed one so far.

I'm so sorry D :(
It's so hard - knowing it's going to happen and you can't do anything.
Just be strong and remind her how much you love her.

I do, as often as I can.
Oh, and if you want, you can use my name now. I'm no longer worried about who finds my posts or what they see.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Wow, it sounds like your going through a lot. It's a terrible feeling when you can do nothing more for your loved ones...you feel so helpless...I've been in such a postition several times now...and I know it's a tough place to be...I'm always here for you if you want to talk...and I encourage to see your sister as often as you can....I regret not doing that...

[MysticalBurrito]

:( im so sorry about whats going on
Just remember everyday you have with your sister is a gift and that every second is a gift too
Stay strong and if the time comes.. tell her you love her and that you will be ok
Your a stronger person than il ever be :hug:
Spend as much time as you can with her remember every second counts

Im on msn if you ever need to talk

[nachtspiegel]

:hug: