I Can't Take It Any More! Please Help me! :(

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Last night...I...I...I almost cut myself...I was sitting there on the bathroom floor...with a razor in my hand...

[Project Delta]

Dude If you need someone to talk to you can add me to MSN (im pretty much always online) and if im not their i will still get the messages :) and will reply.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

thanks...
I really just can't deal with my life at home any more...and everything has been so stressful lately...

[RaeNose]

If you need anyone else to talk to, I'm on AIM. (Pretty much always on later at night. I'll be on more now that I finally got my laptop back from my mom.) Same username as this.

You really need to talk to someone older, though. I'm honestly urging you to talk to your parents. Or, at least one of them. that way you don't feel overpowered. If you can't talk to them, then talk to your pastor or one of your teachers that you trust. This is the one sure way to help you through this. That's why I'm out here in my living room typing this instead of my room, because I know that the razor under my pillow is going to beckon to me until I'm at my wits end. You need people around you to help you through these stressful times. Everyone's feeling this pressure right now, as we're heading into the last stretch before summer; however, we, as humans and Christians, cannot let ourselves struggle alone. That's why we have encouragement and fellowship.

Please, stay safe hun.
K

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I can't talk to my parents...I just can't. My mom said to one of her friends last night right in front of me that she didn't care about me. I am going to try and talk to my pastor about this on friday...I have been trying to just be upstairs around my family but everytime I am around them I get yelled at or someone is always fighting...I can't take it anymore...so I have now resorted to staying in my room...no one cares anyways...I have been spending as much time as I can at church...when I am at church I feel like I have family...I feel like I am home...I feel more welcome at church than I do at home.

[pumpkinbutt69]

Stay strong I know it can be hard and sometimes be a huge relief and/or feel good to do so. But you have to find other ways to relieve yourself. I spent many years cutting myself and occasionally still do(rarely). It feels good at first but later it still doesn't help the problem. Alot of people will say talk to your parents and that's what I did, but not every parent can be as understanding. Distract yourself from what you are about to do. For me I read alot of books about others with similar problems, then evry time I would get a urge I would write whatever it is that would come out on paper to try and relieve some of the stress. In all honesty your the only one that can stop/help yourself. When your ready you'll know. I'm not saying it's good or bad cutting yourself, just don't kill yourself. The worst regret in life you can have is not knowing what could have been. Things you could have tryed but didn't. Places you wanted to go but never saw. Regret can be one of the most painful feelings in the world. Never give up hope, for without hope, hope for anything, you have nothing.

Feel free to write to me anytime or ask any questions. I am an open book and I'm here to say I can help, but only if your willing to help yourself first.

Lots of Love,
~*Shannon*~

[Project Delta]

Can i just ask (this sounds nooby ) but what is a pastor?

[Triceratops]

You almost cut yourself? Or did you actually bring yourself to do it?

If you resisted, congrats to you! This shows the willpower and courage you behold. If you caved then don't worry, making mistakes is a all part of overcoming self-harm. Tomorrow is a clean slate and a fresh start.

Heidi, try and remember your faith in God the next time you have the razor in your hand. He is right next to you, it kills Him to see you hurt yourself and put yourself through pain as He loves you dearly. He is desperate to protect you from all trauma, pain and sadness - He thinks the world of you and it hurts Him so much when He sees you cut yourself. Please pray and ask him to help you through any stress and depression without cutting yourself. He will always be there to answer.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I didn't cut thank goodness...it came close but I didn't do it...

First of all, a pastor is the one who leads church on sundays and preaches(talks about the Bible) In my church we currently have 4 pastors...we have like a head pastor...a care pastor...a youth pastor..and a pastor in training...Each one of them does something different in the church...the head pastor usually does a lot of the preaching...the care pastor takes care of the care portion of the church...and the youth pastor is for mainly the high school aged kids...not all churches have this many pastors...but ours does...most only have 1 or 2.
Secondly,
I did have enough will power and courage not to cut. I am a strong person....I don't feel like I am but that's what people have said about me. I think at times I lose sight of that hope...I talked things through with my youth pastor today and I think that helped me sort out some things and figure out what I need to do next to heal and move on...I have been isolating myself a lot...and that's probably making things worse for me..but I just didn't know any other way to deal with the problems I am having...I have been struggling with a lot of relationships because they just don't understand what is going on. I have tried explaining it to them but they don't understand it because they have never been through it. But I am going to start really trying not to isolate myself at home or at school. Tomorrow I am making myself go to lunch, which I have been skipping for about a month now...I made myself go last week friday...but I wasn't able to stick with that all this week...so I asked my friend today if she would make me come to lunch tomorrow. At home I am making myself do my homework upstairs...and then once I have that done I am allowing myself to do whatever, whenever, wherever. Homework usually takes me most of the night...
To relieve my stress, I am going to try writing out how i feel...I used to do that and it helped a ton...but then I just got so busy I stopped doing it...so I am going to start doing that everyday again...even if it's only just a few thoughts for a few minutes....
I am also going to start reading my Bible everyday again. I got so busy for awhile that I quit reading my Bible and I know that I need to get back on track with that again...God should be the number one thing in my life... So maybe my problem is with priorities...All I know is that I NEED God in my life! I can't do this alone....well that's a few of the things I am changing and with God's help I think that this will work...I am Hopeful!

[Beautiful Obsession]

please just dont cut, i know its hard but u can do it. talk to someone u can trust bbe
pm if ya need 2.. im alwasy here:) xx

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

It's so hard not to cut...It seemed so simple when my ex-boyfriend was going through this...it seemed so simple for him to not do it...but it's not...I'm getting worse...and I'm getting closer and closer each time...I hope things start to change and get better...that's all I have right now is hope....

[RaeNose]

I know it's hard right now, hun. It's difficult for everyone to stop thinking about it/ acting on it. It's easier for some people, but for most it's incredibly difficult. That's why we need people around us to support and encourage when we feel like utter crap. Like it says in Proverbs (to paraphrase): it is better to have a counsel to call upon than to go it alone. (Yeah, I don't really memorize verses. I memorize the meanings, that way no verse I know goes without a meaning.)

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I have found that I can't go this alone. I need my friends...I need God right now...So I am getting back into seeing my friends again and I'm getting back to reading my Bible. This journe is too hard to go alone

[RaeNose]

I know it is, I know.

[SLABBS]

i suggrest msterbating to relive the stress for a few minuts and youll feel good for a while and be able to think clearly

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Tonight...I am really having a hard time again...

[RaeNose]

you know, having a fever and falling asleep for hours on end tends to work.

There's a music video that you should watch. "The Way She Feels" by beneath the trees or something like that. I can't exactly remember what the name of the band is.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

okay I'll have to check it out

[RaeNose]

It used to help me for a little while. Of course, my emotions sort of numbed to it and I got over releasing all of my stress during a song. :/

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I just listened to that song...and I watched the video that went with it and wow...that is exactly how I feel right now....and I think it helped me figure out why I am resorting to thinking about cutting...thanks for suggesting this video

[RaeNose]

No worries. :)

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

To be honest with you I am really worried right now because my friend just told me that she was thinking about suicide....

[RaeNose]

Question for you: has she actually started thinking about the method she's going to use?

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

She hasn't told me much about it...and I am getting worried because she's not answering my calls or messages again...that means things are getting pretty serious...serious to the point where she might just follow through

[RaeNose]

How many times has she talked to you about this?
If she's threatened this multiple times, then it might just be for attention. Although, seeking attention isn't always bad. She may not have anyone else to turn to. You just have to keep being there for her. If you don't have 24/7 access to her, there's not much you can do, you know?

If it gets to the point where you know she's going to follow through at some point in time, call her house phone. Her parents are going to need to know if she's going to get help. Is she going to like it? No. Will she probably hate you for it? Yeah. What are you going to do? Are you just going to stand by and let her die?

Although, with all of this, you need to take caution. You need to keep talking to her. No one wants to lose a friend because they thought they could trust them and then just ended up betrayed, you know? If she trusted you with this now, it means that she either a. doesn't know you well enough for it to really make a difference, or, b. really really trusts you. Be careful, this is a very delicate issue.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

This is the 2nd time she has talked to me about this. I know it is not for attention..something has seriously been wrong with her lately...

I know that if she decides that she needs to follow through that I need to tell her parents...even if she does hate me for it...she'll be glad someday...that's what I had to do for my boyfriend....and things have turned out pretty good between us.

I know the best thing that I can do for her right now is just to be there for her and pray for her...listening to her when she needs to talk..I know how delicate this issue can get. I've been through it too many times already..

[RaeNose]

Well, it's good that you know what you need to do for her. Hopefully you'll be a good support for her and be able to encourage her and help her through these hard times. MAybe she'll be able to help you, you know?

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Maybe...It might...at least she understands what I am going through somewhat....She hasn't contacted me at all today...I'm a little worried...but I'm giving her a little space...she may just not be up for talking right now.I know I am not able to talk sometimes when things get to the point of thinking about suicide or cutting

[RaeNose]

Yeah, when it comes to actually talking about it, I tend to get overly emotional, too. That's one of the main problems Sam and I had as a couple. It took us months to stop fighting about that. You just worry about someone too much, and then you try to keep them safe, but you don't really know how. After that, it all goes downhill, because you don't know what to say to make it better, and it all ends with empty threats and tears.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Not only is it emotional...it's not an easy thing to even talk about... When things are serious like that for me..I can barely get the words out of my mouth...or barely push the button to call someone...it's not an easy thing to do.

[Clawhammer]

I know what you mean. Just keep it up, and I'll pray for you.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Thanks! I appreciate the prayers! Life has been far from easy for me...

[cool person]

Gratz on not cutting. I do that alot, lieing in bed for hours with a razor... Really try to resist the first cut. Because after that it just gets harder to fight.

I know I'm responding to like all your threads...don't mean to be stalking you. I'll go away if you want

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I don't care if you answer all my threads...lol...at least somebody will answer them then.

[cool person]

Lol okay. All your threads seem to be quite popular :). I wouldn't worry about getting responces.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I didn't think they were so popular. lol :( I've never been popular in my life...

[cool person]

I didn't think they were so popular. lol :( I've never been popular in my life...

You seem like a very nice young lady, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

If you look at the so called popular people, most of their friendships are so shallow. They generally just talk about whos doing who...Popularity isn't all it's made out to be. After high school i becomes easier to make to make friends, because you aren't so limited in who you have the opportunity to meet. Just hang in there. Life only gets better

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Aww...thanks..I am 16....
I am likeable...everyone likes me but I am definately not popular...not that I would really want to be anyways...So I was looking at your avatar...are you an EMT?

[cool person]

I'm 16 to :)

What am I...I will be an EMT soon, but for the moment I'm whats call a Emergancy Medical Responder ( there are waaay to many different certifications in various states), so I can do basically everything an EMT can do, just have less practice with everything. EMT is just cooler sounding, and easier to find a logo for. lol

Yeah, I feel the same way, everyone seems to like me..but, well I don't know. I just feel like its a more of a novalty thing, and that no one will ever really stick around. I don't know. I always feel like i should have acted differntly, or said something different when I am in a social situation...

[triplethreat40]

just stay away from a razor. it makes it way too easy to do something you'll regret. the first time i used a safty pin. sharp enough to cause pain and do damage, but the scar actually went away fairly quickly. It just slows things down, with a razor it goes too fast for you to process if it's really what you want to do. only problem is it's hard to get the cuts perfectly straight with a safty pin...

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

"cool person" so what is your non screen name? lol...
The reason I asked about the EMT thing was because my dad is an EMT himself..he's also a firefighter. He pretty much does it all. I think it's really cool, but I would never be able to go into that job myself because I am not very good with medical type stuff. lol...(I faint at the sight of needles or blood)

"Triplethreat40"- I try to stay away from the razor. But it's really really hard. Like I was in the shower this morning and the razor was right there..and I thought about it...and it was so tempting just to do it...and it gets more and more tempting everytime until eventually I will just do it. I have thought about doing it with something other than a razor but the razor always seems to be right there...

[cool person]

O cool EMT's FTW! My realy name is Rami (wierd, I know)...
Yeah, I really want to do something to help people in my life. I just haven't quite decided what the best way for me to do that is.
Fear, squirmishness around blood is something you can always get over if medicene is something that interests you.

My dad is a lawyer, unfortunately he apperantly miss the class in law school about how to get rich :(, well that and he ends of feeling sorry for people and working for free...

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Rami huh? I like it :)
Well I think anything in the medical field is out of the question for me, but I do want to have a job that helps people...I really would love to be involved with youth ministry. Maybe become some kind of pastor someday. Otherwise I really would love to become a writer too. I am already in the process of writing a book. A couple books actually. I must be in the writing mood today. All my posts are really long today...lol...Maybe that will be the one thing today that will keep me from cutting.

[RaeNose]

Maybe. Have you ever thought about becoming a counselor? It's a good idea to still consider something in the civil services/medical field because those sorts of jobs aren't being hit very hard by the recession, if it's not benefiting them. There's actually been a growth in the medical industry since the recession hit. Of course, porn, video gaming, and movies have also benefited. Although, I only slightly enjoy those. lol.
I'm going to be an EMT/ Paramedic also. They're paid rather well and they're only on call for... I don't remember. :P But yeah, plus my best friend's dad loves me and said that he will make sure that I get a job there when I turn 18.
And I have an interview Friday with Kaiser Permanente, so I think I just about have my summer job (callback interview).
Yeah, so the medical industry is doing pretty well for me. :)
Just thought I'd put my two cents in.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I have considered becoming a counselor possibly...

[RaeNose]

That's what's been suggested that I do. I guess it would be nice to take a break from talking and start listening. You know? I'm tired of not saying anything while I just blab on throughout my life.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Yeah I know what you mean

[RaeNose]

That's what i did today. I just, didn't talk very much and had everyone talk around me. It was nice to not be expected to be witty or come up with the right sarcastic remark at the right time. :)

[cool person]

Maybe. Have you ever thought about becoming a counselor? It's a good idea to still consider something in the civil services/medical field because those sorts of jobs aren't being hit very hard by the recession, if it's not benefiting them. There's actually been a growth in the medical industry since the recession hit. Of course, porn, video gaming, and movies have also benefited. Although, I only slightly enjoy those. lol.
I'm going to be an EMT/ Paramedic also. They're paid rather well and they're only on call for... I don't remember. :P But yeah, plus my best friend's dad loves me and said that he will make sure that I get a job there when I turn 18.
And I have an interview Friday with Kaiser Permanente, so I think I just about have my summer job (callback interview).
Yeah, so the medical industry is doing pretty well for me. :)
Just thought I'd put my two cents in.


I believe you are a bit mistaken about medicine being recession proof. Out here in California, hospitals are laying people off and fire stations are closing and cutting down on jobs...


I think you (Heidi) would make a good counseller.

I have yet to decide what I want to do as a career... either lawyer, doctor, firefighter/medic..

[Specter]

I’m happy to hear you were able to stick it out and be strong however I’m disappointed in the fact that you got that fair. From now on I want you to stay positive and as far away from self harm as possible.

I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to your parents or even a doctor to get you the help you need. I understand the pain you’re going through but please try to live life in a happy more positive way. Try to take control of your emotions.

I wish you the best of luck feel free to Pm me anytime.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I am mad that I got that far too..I'm mad that I cut. I'm trying to be more positive and I'm really trying to get better

[RaeNose]

I live in CA, too. We haven't had many job closings. In fact, I'm getting a job at Kaiser (I have a final interview tomorrow). The medicine dept. is just about the only place offering jobs to students in the Central Valley... unless you're a migrant worker, but that's a whole other story.

It's good that you're trying. It's... difficult, to say the least. I hope you can just put your faith in God when you really need someone, ok hun?

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

I'm learning just how much I really need God. I just need to trust Him when things get bad and pray that he gives me strength and comfort through the bad days.

[RaeNose]

That's definitely something I learned through this. Although, I'm still learning it, mainly because I'm still effed up. However, I think it's getting better. At least, I hope it is. We just have to keep going, you know? And we have to find as many people to lift us up as possible. That's how it works. Prayer and encouragement. :)

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Yes, well I am here for you too. I think that what I am going through this year is going to change me a lot...for the better. I think it's going to shape me a little bit more into the person that God wants me to be. The person I was meant to be. I just got to hang in there in the meantime and ride this out ya know?

[RaeNose]

I most definitely do. I don't know if mine is going to shape me into the person God wants me to be. Currently, I'm being shaped into a quieter person from all of this. I quit drama (long story/rant) and I basically have no way to express myself. I'm not in the worship band, etc. I'm thinking that there will be, at one point, where something will come along for me to do. But, until then, I'm on here.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Maybe this is what God has planned for you though...maybe this is a time to just be still and quiet.

[RaeNose]

Maybe. Maybe I just need to... augh, I don't even know what I need to do. I sit here and listen to people. They need someone to listen to them, I can't help that. I want to help people. Now, apparently Sam wants to teach me Spanish and whisk me away to some Spanish-speaking city so that he can teach English and so whatever he's going to do with his life. I don't even know what I want to do. I'm expected to already know, but I don't. I can't speak for myself anymore, I don't know why I even try. No one listens, which is why people come to talk to me. I haven't felt God in the longest time; I mean, I have... but... I don't even know. And I can't talk to my stupid youth pastor because the only thing he says to it is "If you feel far away, who moved." I did! I know I moved! If I didn't move, I wouldn't be cutting. I get it. Now I'm stuck here at this stupid point in my life where I have no future or present. It's only the past. Only the past that has become everything around me. I'm done. I just... I'm done.

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Aww Hun, I know what it feels like and I am kind of in a spot like that myself right now. I don't know what I need anymore. I don't know what to think, i don't know what to feel. I don't know what to say. I don't feel God anymore, and for awhile I was convinced that He wasn't even there. That He really didn't care and that He was allowing bad stuff to happen..just because. I still don't feel especially close to God but I am starting to feel Him again and see Him. I know He's there with me wherever I go, in all that I do. I know that God was using the very people that told me not to cut to minister to me in a way...in a way that those people probably didn't even know that they were doing. Please hang in there sweetie, I know you can. I'm praying for you! Don't give up yet!