confusedguy123
April 18th, 2009, 01:24 AM
I am a Male. I am currently a student at an Ivy League U. In December 2008, two of my friends died. One killed herself, and the other was killed during a robbery. I was living alone in a rented home at the time and was so very scared. It was as if a switch from normalcy to insanity was turned on in my head. I felt extremely panicked but somehow managed to study for my most of my exams. During the test, I found that I couldn't concentrate at all, but I assumed that I would feel better during break. I ended up going back home for the month. I felt extremely sick to my stomach and somehow felt that the world was "fake" and that our lives had no meaning whatsoever. Whatever I would study, I felt like it wasn't sticking in my head. I felt really weird like I couldn't access the thoughts in my head. I reluctantly went back to school to take another set of exams without going to get some medical help. Big mistake. I felt so very paranoid that I was going to fail. I have a history of depression and suicidal ideation, but had managed to control it until prior to this incident. When I went back to school, I was paranoid that people were watching me. Normally, I am very talkative, yet when I saw people in the halls, I could only muster a wink. Even though I wanted to say something, I couldn't...it was as if my mouth was not working. I felt that because this one kid committed suicide, people were watching to see whether I was going to do the same. When I took my test, I could barely understand the questions in this set of exams. I tried to go to sleep, but when I did, I felt a very weird sensation....its as if an energy was passing through my body....this happened over maybe three seconds. Throughout the next day, I started seeing what appeared to be a line of light in my eye. It would come intermittently. My thoughts were so very weird: I kept thinking that people were out to get me and if I "give myself up" to the teacher, I would be alright.
I ended up taking a few months off from school. I recently found out that my deceased grandfather had a history of hallucinating. I have been having difficulty forming thoughts and have difficulty speaking in complete sentences. It takes me several seconds to organize my thoughts and speak. At the end of the day, I often forget what I have done since the morning. I am losing my sense of time...I have difficulty remembering the date, as well as simple things like my phone number. My memories seem so disjointed. If I close my eyes and really concentrate, I can remember. I sometimes continue to see flashes of light in my eye. Sometimes it looks like a line of light other times like a white flash. I laugh at the silliest things. I feel like I have a running commentary in my head. I don’t hear voices, but it seems like my own voice is making commentary about my actions...its sorta hard to explain. When I look at someone, my mind will make a comment about them (i.e. he looks fat, she looks silly). Also, it seems like while I am going about my daily routine, I am having conversations in my head....if I am feeling a bit sad, then my internal voice will say I feel sad and then I think of something someone else has said in the past to make me feel better and I converse. Its like I keep thinking of past conversations but instead of just thinking it, I "hear it in my head." Sometimes, I feel like I am rehearsing future conversations in my head. When I lie down and try to relax, I sometimes feel a weird feeling like my hands and legs are very light.
I feel like I can't think...I have so much trouble remembering my past. Whenever I read, after a few sentences, I lose track of where I am. If I do manage to read an article, after a paragraph or so, my inner voice "summarizes" what I just read.... I have trouble remembering names, and have a lot of difficulty buying even simple things at the grocery store. I have to basically list out simple things that I have to do like: take a shower, check email, etc. Does this sound like schizophrenia?
I ended up taking a few months off from school. I recently found out that my deceased grandfather had a history of hallucinating. I have been having difficulty forming thoughts and have difficulty speaking in complete sentences. It takes me several seconds to organize my thoughts and speak. At the end of the day, I often forget what I have done since the morning. I am losing my sense of time...I have difficulty remembering the date, as well as simple things like my phone number. My memories seem so disjointed. If I close my eyes and really concentrate, I can remember. I sometimes continue to see flashes of light in my eye. Sometimes it looks like a line of light other times like a white flash. I laugh at the silliest things. I feel like I have a running commentary in my head. I don’t hear voices, but it seems like my own voice is making commentary about my actions...its sorta hard to explain. When I look at someone, my mind will make a comment about them (i.e. he looks fat, she looks silly). Also, it seems like while I am going about my daily routine, I am having conversations in my head....if I am feeling a bit sad, then my internal voice will say I feel sad and then I think of something someone else has said in the past to make me feel better and I converse. Its like I keep thinking of past conversations but instead of just thinking it, I "hear it in my head." Sometimes, I feel like I am rehearsing future conversations in my head. When I lie down and try to relax, I sometimes feel a weird feeling like my hands and legs are very light.
I feel like I can't think...I have so much trouble remembering my past. Whenever I read, after a few sentences, I lose track of where I am. If I do manage to read an article, after a paragraph or so, my inner voice "summarizes" what I just read.... I have trouble remembering names, and have a lot of difficulty buying even simple things at the grocery store. I have to basically list out simple things that I have to do like: take a shower, check email, etc. Does this sound like schizophrenia?