Mental Breakdown

[Underground_Network]

I had a breakdown of sorts yesterday. I cried/stared off into space/ had a major migraine for about nearly an hour. Afterward for the rest of the night I certainly wasn't myself (if you could ask my mom, she'd certainly vouch for that).

But yeah, I don't feel like making one of those long posts, but I just feel as if I'm leaning more toward suicide than I ever have before. Life is just such a struggle. There are so many reasons that its a struggle, that I could probably take up 50 pages in MS word explaining them [seriously].

But yeah, basically, if I disappear, I'm probably dead. I'm serious. I'm not depressed, I'm not teary eyed right now, I'm not all emotional, I'm just kinda thinking "why am I alive?" Life is such a struggle, the easy way out is suicide. I know people say because its the easy way out you shouldn't take it, but I'm tired of trying as hard as possible only to end up being second rate behind someone else.

My grades are spiraling downward, my family is in a terrible economic state, my social life is going up and down, and I'm just having all these thoughts that I just can't control. I want to die, and I can't see any alternatives. Life can't get better, unless someone feels like donating like ten thousand dollars to my family or something... And someone feels like operating on my brain to make me think right. And someone feels like motivating me to actually try in school and actually attempt to succeed in life...

[theOperaGhost]

Adam, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. Things will get better (which is what everyone says, I know, but it is true). Suicide is not the way to get out of a hard situation. I really don't give a fuck how easy it is, it should never be done as a way out of anything.

There are ways out of financial crisis. Your social life will get better when you develop more confidence. Your grades are only spiraling downward because you don't give a shit anymore. All of this can be fixed WITHOUT suicide.

[Underground_Network]

I know. But I don't feel like putting forth the effort anymore. Its like I can't alter my thoughts. And I can't enjoy anything anymore. Life is getting better, but I just can't enjoy it. Every time something good happens to me, something 10X worse happens too. I just don't know. I'm going to try and open up to someone and see what happens.

My guise in school is getting better and better as I act happier and happier and more and more social, whereas at home I'm also putting on a guise. My parents think my life is getting better and that everything is great. I can't wait to see my dad's reaction when he gets my report card in about a week... Meh... :/

[AllThatIsLeft]

I hate seeing people give up. It makes me wonder why haven't I. Honestly, i've heard so many people give up in all sorts of things, and i carry along usually alone.
There are the strange times when someone says they want to kill themselves, but I don't understand what could possibly made them think they needed to opt for such an extreme choice. Did they experience something worse than I did? Which is pretty hard, if you know what I've been through. Or are they just so tired of everything that trying, is not an option anymore, so they believe suicide is the way out.

Which then I ask myself, you are tired of trying, and you TRY to commit suicide. Why not put that little effort in perhaps convincing yourself that there is a way out, and that doesn't have to be death.

I find it ironic when people say they don't give a shit anymore, because 1. you care enough to mention it, and second if you didn't give a shit, you would take things as they come, and wouldn't try to change them. That means you wouldn't attempt suicide because you just don't care.

But because you do care, you think you don't and attempt suicide.

But it you tried to refocus that will to die, into a will to improve things, maybe killing yourself wouldn't be necessary.

I hate the easy way out, it makes me feel like i'm fighting a losing battle.
Not everything is horrible in this world.

Adam. when i was your age i thought that disappearing and perhaps dying wouldn't matter to anyone, or affect anything. But i look on all the things i've done since i was 15, and honestly i am so glad i didn't just give up. So many things would be different, so many people wouldn't be the same. I need to be here, just like you do.

Please don't give up, you'll see that there is more to life.
and that if you keep trying you WILL be rewarded.

[Underground_Network]

I don't know.

How I feel changes from day to day.

One day I'm happy as can be.

The next I'm suicidal.

And I actually WANT to go to a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist/whatever, but my mom can't afford it. She knows I want help and that I want to see if something is seriously wrong with me, but she's literally broke. Sooner than later I may not be able to get on to VT. I SERIOUSLY may be living on the streets in the next couple of months. My mom is broke and my dad gambles away all the money he earns. I'm screwed in that sense.

And I swear that so long as I can get on VT I will be alive, but the second access to this site terminates, I may not be able to hold things together. But I don't know.

I don't see myself ever attempting suicide. I just see myself making death easier to occur. And I don't even know what that means. I just don't want to live any more, but I don't want to die.

Everything I thought would make me happier hasn't. Hell, usually if someone like Paula makes a well thought out post on here it puts a smile in my face and I realize how much of a fool I am. But not this time. I think all happiness has faded from me. I just don't know.

Paula, at least you know where your future is headed. At least you've made something of yourself. At least you're somebody. And the same goes for you Jared. You've both struggled, and Paula, I know what you went through must have been extremely... well, I don't even know how to describe it. But I understand (though I can't TRULY understand) the impact it must have had on you.

I just think I wasn't meant to live. Maybe I was a mistake. I haven't had that terrible a life, but with all these thoughts I have, maybe I was intended to die. Maybe I was supposed to be a miscarriage and my mom just got lucky... I don't really know anymore...

[theOperaGhost]

If you were intended to die, you wouldn't be here. Simple as that. And nobody knows where their future is headed...neither paula nor I do...we may have plans and goals, but that is about it. You need to make plans and goals for your future. Those will change over time. I have gone through so many goals that have never been accomplished simply because they weren't what I really wanted. Your life is what you make of it.

[Underground_Network]

I keep making goals and having dreams. But someone or something constantly gets in the way and I either realize or am forced to realize that said dreams or goals are impossible.

:/

[theOperaGhost]

What does that matter? Do you think everyone who achieved something didn't get criticism and discouragement from the dreams or goals they had? They are YOUR dreams and goal...it doesn't matter what the fuck anyone else thinks.

[AllThatIsLeft]

Of course you are meant to live, otherwise you wouldn't have been born.
do you really think that i got everything figured out?
up until a couple weeks ago i thought i was going to Uni.
Now i'm going to become a federal cop.

Adam don't think you are waste of space, and you are meant to die.
We are all meant to die at some point, but the trick is not giving up.
Don't you wish to see where your life will take you, and what will be after all the bad is gone?

You are still so young, don't give up now.

[DrkZ90]

well, Adam, all I have to say is, that I've had those feelings too... and have done kind of what you do... my advice would be to keep on trying, to keep your goals and dreams, no matter how impossible, stupid or insignificant they seem to be, they are not...

Do you have any good friends at school? can't remember where I read this, but I think is true, that is in the hardest moments of life where you discover who your true friends are... seek their help!... if you have them, tell them what you are going through at home, what's going on with you, they might be able to help...

I know it's easier said than done (specially because I can't change that myself), but showing everybody a happy face even though you aren't happy isn't a good solution... trust your good friends enough to let them know how are you feeling, and if they are good friends, they will worry and do whatever they can for you, I guarantee...

On the other hand, I also feel that whatever good happens, something 10x worse happens later... and I've been like that for at least the last 5 years... and what really helped me was to try and enjoy whatever good happens... to make things more valuable than they really are, and always be prepared for the worst outcome of everything, because that way I'm always prepared for life's payback...

Hope to have helped, and hope you are still here

[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

Hey Adam,
I have felt very very similar to what you are feeling now lately. I thought life was not worth living. I saw no joy in life. I didn't think there was any purpose for me. I have not had friends who support me. I have figured out who my true friends are. I have tried explaining to them what is going on but they just don't want to understand it. They don't want to be a part of my life because everything is so bad. I do have a couple really really close friends who haven't given up on me entirely yet...but who's to say they won't either? I have thought about suicide but I realize that I don't really want to leave this earth yet...even though I feel alone and like everything is bad...there's something that still keeps me here. Here's an idea that might help you....it helps me...Think of all the people that love and care about you and if it is possible talk with them about how your feeling...have them hold you accountable on things that you struggle with. Things do get better with time...it may not seem like it but there will come a time when things are good. You just got to hang in there. Despite how horrible I felt just last week...I am very happy and I am have a very good week this week...Things WILL get better.

[chucknorrisrules]

Things have to get worse before they can get better. I know, I know, you've heard it before and it may not mean anything to you, but it's true.

I may not know EXACTLY what you're going through, but I know the general feeling. I get really similar breakdowns to this. I go from my peppy, sensitive guy to an asshole who could give a poop less about anyone but myself. And I know the headaches... oh, do I know the headaches. You're not alone, and there's always hope. DO NOT KILL YOURSELF! THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

[Reality]

Things can get better. You just need to fix a few things that are fucking up your life. I know you can't control your family's economic circumstances, but you can fix personal things.

It's not easy to motivate yourself, but think of a goal you want, and try to work towards it. Bad grades? You need more motivation and of course to study and concentrate more on your school work.

I don't know how good/bad your social life is, but even if you have only one friend, you can make the best of that and feel much better.

It's of course all easier said than done, and I'm sorry your family can't get you access to a counselor, but you should try fixing this stuff as much as you can.

Suicide is not the answer. There are so many things in life you can achieve, and I'm sure there's things you'd like to do and have. Also, suicide won't help your family and friends either. If you commit suicide, your family will feel terribly awful, guilty and upset - do you really think they need that right now?

Do you have a good, mature and understanding friend you can confide in? Or like a trusted adult, i.e. a teacher? A caring cousin? If you do, you should approach their help.. even if it doesn't solve your problems, it may help you feel better.

Chin up.