New and Worried

[Shattered Soul]

Hi, I'm Cathy, i'm 18 yrs old and really worried.
Ok, let's start from the beginning, i've been bullied from playschool (age 3) til the present day. My memories consist of nothing but darkness, trouble, fear and pain. There have been a few happy times, but the bad is by far the majority. I have troubles at home with my parents and younger brother (who is disabled) and everything took a turning for the worse when i started college. I made a really good friend, but he betrayed me. He was manipulative and psychologically abused me without me even realising, i thought what was happening was normal. He made me feel completely worthless and made me believe I was a terrible human being. I turned to s/h and got addicted. A few weeks after this I tried to commit suicide and no one ever found out. I realised what this guy, my friend, was truly like when I told him bout my suicide attempt. He told me if I disrespected myself so much why dont I do everyone a favour, try it again and succeed this time. He made me so unhappy. We are no longer friends. Since then though, I have received threats to myself and my brother. This guys friend threatened to shoot me if I was seen in the vacinity again and he encouraged my now ex-boyfriend to physically harm me (the result was my wrist was nearly broken). He has made my life a living hell.
I stopped SHing in January after my doctor found out and I panicked and told a true friend, this friend helped me stop. Since then, i've failed a very important entrance exam, suffered from many illnesses, currently being tested for diabetes and had my cousin try to commit suicide with a week of the 1 yr anniversary of my attempt. All my emotions built up and I started SHing again last week. I have no one, feel so alone. Nobody understands and I dont know how to stop. I'm really that i'll never be able to stop this, that I'll lose everything. That i'll never be happy. I'm currently on the edge, I spent the other night talking myself out of suicide and I can't tell anyone anything. I'm so frustrated and scared that my SH might go too far.


xxCathyxx

[Beautiful Obsession]

sorry about what you'v been going through, it sounds horrible bbe. But please dont start self harming again!x Go back to your mate that helped you quit the first time and let them help you again, talk to somebody that understands, but whateva you do dont try to commit suicide again!!

if u wanna talk pm me xxx

[byee]

Take a deep breath here Cathy, and recognize that most of the awful stuff you wrote about is all in the past tense. The memories might haunt you, but the events are thankfully over. You are very strong to have gotten thru all that. Now, you need to summon that strength and courage up to resist the urge to SH, and to get to a doc again.

Life is filled with ups and downs, you have to ride them out as best you can, and when it gets really bad, you have to reach for help from caring people. Find them, connect with them, call them, and let them help get you thru this. Also, set your sights on tomorrow, college, adulthood, the rest of your life. Soemtimes when today seems so bleak, the hope of tomorrow can get you thru it, too.

And if that creepy boyfriend or his mates threaten you again, call the police and file a report.

[Shattered Soul]

thank you, guys. I don't plan on trying to commit suicide again, when I woke up last time my first thought was 'that was the worst decision i've ever made in my life', I know i need to move on from things but every time i'm close to something bad happens and it sets me back:(
I'm gonna really try to stop SHing again, that's why I joined the site. My friend says he'll help me again though:)
I'm beginning to think that although the majority of people in the world who arent nice, there are still loads of nice people:D
I heard a really good song recently. It's called Swim by Jack's Mannequin and the basic meaning is that you have to swim through the currents in life and there's people there helping you through it, the ending of the troubles being closer than you think.

[Triceratops]

I am deeply sorry to hear all of that. :hug3:

I'm glad to hear that you both are no longer friends. He is horrible scum and you didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated you. However, this is all in the past and you need to try moving on and putting all this awful shit behind you. If any of those people you mentioned hurt or bully you again then please report them to someone who can do something about it such as the police.

If you can resist committing suicide, then I believe in you to resist cutting. Start seeing your doctor again, or a another professional to sort your problems out.

And please, talk to someone who you trust and are close to whether it being a friend, family member or someone at college. The world is full of nasty people, but there are also many caring people and there is bound to be someone who is willing to listen to you.

I wish all the best for you, and I hope things work out for you :) <3

[Shattered Soul]

Thank you:)
That guy is still around, but he no longer shows his face where me and my friends hang out. People are beginning to see him how he really is, but although i'm glad they're seeing this now, i'm angry that it's taken the 8 months. And some of them still don't believe me.
I am seeing a councellor at college, but was basically forced into it by my Lead Tutor (one of the people in charge at my college). I went to ask him for help with keeping this guy away and punishing him, and my lead tutor did bugger all except put me in compulsory councelling, telling me I was imagining things, tried to make me paranoid by asking if and why I trust my friends (plus a lot of other weird questions) and tried to split me up from my friends. He also got another teacher in to defend this guy and I had both of them yelling at me at once. I can barely speak to one teacher alone about a neutral topic, let alone 2 yelling on a subject like that.
It just made my SHing worse. The teachers who i'm supposed to trust betrayed me, but there's still one that I trust - my psychology teacher (ironically). I'm tempted to tell her bout my SHing and asking her for help, she helped me with a lot of othe things that have happened.

[jess_undead]

I think you should tell her. She might understand and help you better.Also, if you want to stop seeing that counsellor, then you can. It's your choice. There is nothing binding you to keep going. xxx

[Beautiful Obsession]

i agreee. i know it will be hard to tell another teacher after what happened with you form tutor. but not all teachrs are the same. i think you should tel her EVERYTHING including what happened with the other teacher. she will be able to help you. And jess is right. you dont have to see the councler if you dont want to. But my advice is to keep on seeing him/her. It will help you stop self harming xxx

[Shattered Soul]

thanks, i will continue going to the councellor - only a few sessions left now coz exam's will be starting soon. Will probably go to the doctor and ask to speak to someone if i'm still feeling like I am after i stop.
I'll try to tell my teacher about things, i dont think any harm could come of it, she's been really supportive so far:D