Am I Really That Bad?

[Reality]

Hello, I'm new to this forum, and yeah.. as you can see I'm posting on here, and I do self-harm.

I've got around 30+ cuts on my left arm and hand, all from the past four weeks, although I very first cut myself back in April 2008 - I was just shaving and I felt like it.. strangely enough I didn't exactly hate it.

My life is not exactly the best in the world. I'm sometimes bullied at school, have few friends, and on top of that criticized by my own family and trying to keep attaining good grades, but I've been this way since Year 9 (that's 8th Grade in the USA - I live in the UK), it seems recently I've dunked my lowest.

I've cut myself, I take random pills, I drink alcohol - not just beer, but strong stuff like whiskey without anything to dilute it. I went too far with the cutting.. and tried to stop, but it just seems like I feel like I want to cut again. I seriously have no idea why - it's just those times I go numb or start thinking negatively.

I carried around a small razor with me, which I'd then cut myself at lunchtimes in school in the bathroom cubicles, but then once a teacher noticed but assumed I was attacked by someone.. but I was obliged to tell her the truth, as this was not so. She's expressed concern for me, and talked to my Year Head, who has arranged for me to see a counciller, which happened last week when I turned up to school half drunk. My parents don't know. But I threw away the razor, as I knew I was only using it for bad purposes.

I feel like I'm somewhat "attention seeking" when I cut, and I'm afraid of people thinking that when they see my cuts, so I'm ashamed.. I cover up as much as possible.. but still.. I feel guilty. Is this a normal feeling?

I'm 16, btw.

I'm sorry for such a long post, and I appreciate any thoughtful answers to my thread. :) Thanks.

[Triceratops]

A huge well done to you for getting rid of your razor! :)

Of course feeling guilty is a normal feeling. You feel guilty because you understand and acknowledge the fact that cutting is bad. Cutters who often feel guilty are the ones who are more likely to stop quicker - that's a fact.

If your teacher assumes you've been attacked, then the best thing to do is actually tell her you are self-harming. If she is a decent and kind teacher then she will understand, that's what they're there for. Also, the councilling sessions do seem a good idea as they are truly the ones who will provide the most help and support seems as you're not getting on great with family or friends.

If this helps, TRY not to take a razor to school with you. Avoid bringing sharp objects to school with you at all costs. You have more strength than you think you do, honestly.

Block out all access to pills and alcohol if you can too, just attempt to avoid them and occupy yourself with one of your deepest interests instead - try reading a book to take your mind off things, whenever I feel like harming myself I always read a good book...it helps so much, seriously.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. :hug3:
If you need someone to talk to, PM me. :)

[Beautiful Obsession]

well it is normal feeling ashamed becuase you feel really bad after cutting (well i do) but you just need to keep going back and cutting more, even though you know how you will feel after? am i right?

well now your seeing a councler you can finally get help and make a fresh start, it wil be hard but you wil get there babee..

well done for throwing away ya razor!! i still aint had the courage to do it!
So does your mum not know about your cutting?

Try not to block out the pills to cause they make it worse..

Good luck babee,, pm me if you need to xxxxx

[byee]

Really good advice here (as usual, you guys are tops!).

I think the first order fo business is getting to someone professionally who can help you feel better and find other ways of dealing wih your pain. Who can do that? Parents, friends, guidance counselor, teacher? Pick one and share with them what you've been going thru and what you've been doing. let them help getbyou to someone who can make you feel better and put this all behind you.

[Reality]

Lol. Well thanks for your inputs, guys. Much appreciated.