ShatteredGlass
April 11th, 2009, 05:00 PM
January of this year, maybe it was like the 13th I tried to kill myself I cut deeper than I ever had and the blood pooled and poured immediately it was disgusting and beautiful at the same time, and so easy all I told myself was to ignore the pain but when i was done i so scared the blood wouldnt stop and then I asked myself, how selfish am I? That I would take my own life? I didnt give myself life I have no right to take it away. And now that I look at it and think I'm just like Suicide is like a big f.u. to God, it's like saying everything you gave me, isnt good enough.
I reached the lowest that day, hit rock bottom the fell through the floor, cried to mom, she was furious, and it hurt.
But now i realize it was exactly what i needed, because guess what? That was my last cut. I can point to it and say. That is my quitting scar, and it is so true.
People often talk about having regrets and wanting to go back and not start and to change things, but honestly I can say if i could go back and stop myself from starting I wouldnt because I learned to much from it.
From cutting...
I learned what addiction is, I learned that you should never do something without fully understanding the consequences, and who it will effect, I learned how to relate with people on a whole new level, I learned why people do what they do and thus have become much less judgmental (trying not to be judgemental at all). I learned what it's like to have God remove His hand from you and to feel utterly alone, but most importantly i learned that i will never go back to SIing. I learned the true meaning of sin.
From listening to my mom and God and His word....
I learned that I am forgiven whether my family forgives me or not, that I no longer have to be ashamed because a sin is a sin and we are all sinners, thus learning that the kid's at school have no right to past judgment on me nor i one them, I learned to listen to the small voice in my head telling me not to do something because so far it has always been right, I learned that I can forgive myself and need to, I learned that forgiveness is not for the other person but for me
Not so much cutting as the things I learned from it are some of the most valuable lessons I have learned all my life.
From hitting rock bottom and bouncing back my faith has been greatly strengthned along with my peace and joy, I have bounced passed the point where I started to fall.
And now that I have stopped nothing on this earth has power over me.
Because that is exactly what an addiction is, something that has power over you.
I no longer need to cut.
Cutting is a cry for help, for attention, for the things you need but won't voice.
My advice to stop, to truly stop. SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF, tell your parents what you need instead of cutting.
Think about it why am I cutting?
What is it ultimately about, attention. Not to offend anyone. But to get the help you need, you need attention. For someone to listen to your problems you need their attention.
Well tell them, or write them, or email them but they need to know.
Yes, I still do think about cutting, yes sometimes when I feel sad or angry I will rub my wrist against a table, or draw my fingernail lightly across my wrist, or think about the blood, or draw on myself, or squeeze my fingers, think about going back but the fact is i wont.
These scars I wear upon my wrist are part of who I am! And part of who I was! These scars are my reminder, These scars are my pain, THESE SCARS ARE MY PAST! And my future, these scars show where I was. But the fact that they are scars shows what I have become.
A conqueror.
I reached the lowest that day, hit rock bottom the fell through the floor, cried to mom, she was furious, and it hurt.
But now i realize it was exactly what i needed, because guess what? That was my last cut. I can point to it and say. That is my quitting scar, and it is so true.
People often talk about having regrets and wanting to go back and not start and to change things, but honestly I can say if i could go back and stop myself from starting I wouldnt because I learned to much from it.
From cutting...
I learned what addiction is, I learned that you should never do something without fully understanding the consequences, and who it will effect, I learned how to relate with people on a whole new level, I learned why people do what they do and thus have become much less judgmental (trying not to be judgemental at all). I learned what it's like to have God remove His hand from you and to feel utterly alone, but most importantly i learned that i will never go back to SIing. I learned the true meaning of sin.
From listening to my mom and God and His word....
I learned that I am forgiven whether my family forgives me or not, that I no longer have to be ashamed because a sin is a sin and we are all sinners, thus learning that the kid's at school have no right to past judgment on me nor i one them, I learned to listen to the small voice in my head telling me not to do something because so far it has always been right, I learned that I can forgive myself and need to, I learned that forgiveness is not for the other person but for me
Not so much cutting as the things I learned from it are some of the most valuable lessons I have learned all my life.
From hitting rock bottom and bouncing back my faith has been greatly strengthned along with my peace and joy, I have bounced passed the point where I started to fall.
And now that I have stopped nothing on this earth has power over me.
Because that is exactly what an addiction is, something that has power over you.
I no longer need to cut.
Cutting is a cry for help, for attention, for the things you need but won't voice.
My advice to stop, to truly stop. SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF, tell your parents what you need instead of cutting.
Think about it why am I cutting?
What is it ultimately about, attention. Not to offend anyone. But to get the help you need, you need attention. For someone to listen to your problems you need their attention.
Well tell them, or write them, or email them but they need to know.
Yes, I still do think about cutting, yes sometimes when I feel sad or angry I will rub my wrist against a table, or draw my fingernail lightly across my wrist, or think about the blood, or draw on myself, or squeeze my fingers, think about going back but the fact is i wont.
These scars I wear upon my wrist are part of who I am! And part of who I was! These scars are my reminder, These scars are my pain, THESE SCARS ARE MY PAST! And my future, these scars show where I was. But the fact that they are scars shows what I have become.
A conqueror.