Abandoned....

[RaeNose]

So, it's 11:30 Pm here.
There's no one awake that I can talk to.
Sam says that I'm not the one anymore, because I'm depressed.
He doesn't want to be with me, I guess.
He says he still loves me... hmph, "says".
Anyway, I feel incredibly alone and abandoned.
Please... I don't want to cut anymore.
The love of my life is about to walk out on me, because he can't handle the fact that I'm depressed and I cut.
I want to cut so bad that it's to the point where if I don't talk to someone soon... I don't know how well I'll be able to control myself.
Help me.
Oh God, have mercy on me, I'm having an anxiety attack.

[The Batman]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this right now hun but things will get better. Losing the person you love is hard but you just have to pick yourself up and keep going. Show Sam that you can overcome this and be happy again. Be a better person not only for him but for yourself.

[RaeNose]

I was happy all day today... then he asked me if I had cut. He wanted to see my arms, and I told him that I did yesterday. It's ironic that I had to go through the exact same thing when he was depressed. He would call me almost every night, threatening to kill himself, but I stayed by him. I stayed because I loved him. Now that selfish SOB wants to walk out on me when I need him the most. fml.

[The Batman]

It might be hard for him to see you going through what he did. I have to agree that he's being a bit selfish here so maybe you guys should just talk about it.

[RaeNose]

Hard to talk about it when he hangs up on you and ignores your call. Yeah, it's always nice when you have a good day, and your bf complains that you're aren't happy and then makes you feel like you're not good enough and want to cut.

[Project Delta]

Maybe try to find him like in town or something and explain to him about it ? It could help and you could show him your on the way to recovery.

[Sapphire]

I know you've mentioned a youth pastor who you talk to, do you have any additional help? Maybe you should consider finding other sources of help in addition to talking with him.

It sounds like you really need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. If you both sit down and quietly air your thoughts to each other. He sounds like he genuinely loves you and wants to help but has run out of ideas on how to. If you are open with him and with the prospect of trying to improve your situation with the help of others, I'm sure you can both work through this.

Try getting out and about together doing new things. This will not only give you new, fun memories but also new stuff to talk about. You may even find that he annoys you less and the other way around. It will also help a bit with your depression.

I know that you've already seen that ^ but it seems as if none of it has got through.

[byee]

(NOTE: I AM NOT THE 'SAM' IN THIS POST! It's her boyfriend).

Sorry to hear this, this is probably the last thing you need right now. But, as we have spoken, the real issue here is getting you to a psychologist. Don't get distracted by this latest set back, use it as motivation to talk with the minister and get to the doc.

[RaeNose]

Thanks Sam, Sam (the other one... gah! having a confusion crisis!) seemed to calm down today, so we'll see.... Also talked to John today, and he's going to give me the contact info for the psychologist at church. Then I got a lecture about how God hasn't abandoned me, and that I shouldn't base my faith on feelings. Yeah... it's just everyone else that has left.

[RaeNose]

The problem is that there is no time for us to have meaningful conversations. The only time is late at night, and that's when he decides to either go suicidal or act like a complete jerk-face. By the way, totally thought I was going insane because I'd seen that previous comment twice. lol.

I really wouldn't know what to say to him anyway if we had an actual conversation. That fact that it doesn't matter if he calls me beautiful, I'll still hate everything about me? Or how I'm trying so hard to get help, but he continues to undermine it? Or how about the fact that he's never there when I really need him?
It's always his friend, Gurty, who's also my friend... but whatever.

[byee]

It's hard to imagine a "Sam" being a jerk and not knowing how to respond, I need to hve a talk with that boy!

But, in all fairness, what you're dealing with IS hard to respond to. That's why i think it's best to stay focused on getting into therapy and using that time to address all this stuff, so when you're with Sam, you can just enjoy him, and not have any expectations of him understanding or responding to something that's really bigger than both of you and needs professional intervention.

[RaeNose]

Thanks, Sam.
I don't feel much better, but whatever, I'll live.

[byee]

It's going to take some time. Right now, the plan is to get you to a psychologist who can sort it out with you.

[RaeNose]

ok....