Scarred relationship.

[iphone3ghunt]

My step mother and I, had a very good relationship, she is/was family. I know i'll never love her the same way as my real mom (she is alive, my father remarried). Her father died around christmas time, but she almost hated him he caused a lot of trouble in her family. Seeing that this was the first human death that I had to deal with I was speechless, I assumed she was ok, I didn't know what to say. She was very upset with me, and I felt horrible, since then there had been a hash in our relationship. It got better, then I attempted to hug her good night, and I was shooed away, she didn't want to touch me.

That really hurt, I don't want to sound sensitive, but it did. Now It got worse, and i'm not sure what to do. She talks to me now, and just now SHE kissed ME goodnight, so i'm not sure what's going on i'm very confused.

[byee]

Well, yuck.

First, reconstituted families, those with step parents, are usually pretty complicated for the reasons you mentioned. So, lacking that history that comes with biological parents, the relationship really has to be built from the ground up on things other than history and biology. So, there's no emotional connection, that's what's missing. You have to build it.

In this case, her expectations of your response following the death of her dad were unmet, she was expecting/wanting/needing some acknowledgement from you concerning the loss of her dad. In the absence of that, she's offended, she's not taking into consideration your own response to this event. Add to this that death always makes people a little weird, it's such a traumatic event that it causes people to react in ways that are new and different.

For whatever reason, she withdrew emotionally from you, which understandably hurt you. Maybe it's those unmet expectations/disappointment in your inability to respond to her, maybe it's just her reaction to death, but whatever it was, it was there.

But now, it sounds like she's 'back', willing to reengage with you emotionally. I think it would be a good idea to respond to her overture, and maybe find some time to talk with her about what's gone on, your perception that she withdrew from you, and your feelings about it.

By clearing the air, you not only put this past you, but you also clarify both her and your expectations, how the relationshio should be. She cannot replace your mom, but she is an important person to you, and as you see, it's better for things between you to be good than not.

Have a talk with her.