Is there somethig wrong, or am I looking too much into it?

[underageflyklub]

** Poo, typo, the thread should say something, I find that fantastically embarrassing

Sorry, this is long. I don't know.. I just want some views on the matters that are basically consuming my mind.

These last 15 or so months, my paranoia has slowly become steadily worse, especially lately. There was a point where I believed there were recording devices put up around my house. I can't be at school or in town without thinking people are looking at me or laughing at me, and I'm struggling at school because of my paranoia, believing people are watching me in lessons. I'm also starting to believe people are drugging my food or drink, and am convinced my parents are going through all my things..
I'm also starting to think people are sending me secret messages. Someone keeps interrupting me because they can hear what I'm thinking and don't want me to say it aloud, for example.
My paranoia is pretty much a 24/7 thing, although every now and then I seem to get really strong weird paranoid..episodes?..where I feel really unreal, my hearing goes a bit weird + stuff. Doesn't happen often, though.
Now, I know.. well.. I think I know.. that none of the above is true. Well, to be fair, I don't know whether it is. Part of me is convinced it is, while part of me knows I'm being an idiot. I'm confused.

Also.. well. I never even used to feel suicidal, up till now.
I often wake up feeling completely and utterly miserable. Everything is difficult to do, I don't care about anything at all, I'm always tired. Part of me a lot of the time doesn't feel like I'm 100% there, it's just my body running on auto. I just don't really give a shit about anything, even things that used to bother me don't as much anymore.

But, either way, I'm deluded.. I think people are watching me, I'm always second guessing myself, and I'm 8% sure there is SOMETHING mentally wrong with me.. but 20% sure I'm just being weird.

I'm having trouble focusing, too, my mind just goes blank from time to time. I find I'll add in words that on needed or miss out letters while writing or talking.

I'm also having trouble knows what's real.. I'll say something or do something, and I'm not sure if I've actually done it or thought it. It's the same with my thoughts- I don't know whether I've done them for real or whether it's just a thought. It's getting in the way of a lot of stuff.

I'm going to stop typing, because I don't want to overload you with stuff, and I'm getting a headache.

I don't trust myself, or my own judgment. Is there something wrong with me, or could there be?
I'm typing this, trying to be as sane and open-minded as possible.
Thankyou for reading, & replying if you do.. I appreciate any views on the situation.

[byee]

Thanks for sharing this, I know it's hard to.

I don't think the issue is so much if there's something' wrong' with you, as much as how much pain yo're in here, and for a fairly long time. So, I think it wisest to tell someone, your folks, a guidance counselor, or other trusted adult what's been going on and for how long, and let them help you feel better by getting you to a doctor that specializes in these sorts of things.

He or she could assess what's going on for you, and help you understand what it all means and why it's happening. And treat it so it (hopefully) goes away and you feel better.

But, in order for all that to happen, you have to tell an adult. Pick someone and tell them you have something very important and very serious to talk with them about, and do it.

[underageflyklub]

I'm scared about telling someone, though =/
I know, it's always difficult to tell parents things. But what if they blow me off? What if they don't believe me?
What if they already know?! They would have seen this already, if they're watching me now. :/

Plus. I don't really trust anyone. I know they'll tell other people.. A tiny tiny small part of me keeps saying they will try and make everything worse :/
I sound really stupid and childish, I know.

Plus..my mind could just be playing tricks on me. I could have lied to myself and got used to thinking I'm paranoid, when I'm not really. If that makes sense.

Shit. I sound really weird.sorry. :S

[byee]

No,no, you don't sound 'weird', you sound very pained. Let's get rid of that pain, it's been too hard for you and for too long.

You've gotten accustomed to what's going on, and it seems hard to do something different, like sharing it with your people. But, you cn do this! If you tell your folks exactly what's been going in for you, in detail, it's hard to imagine they'd dismiss it. Likewise, if you told someone at school, the teacher, the guidance counselor, they certainly wouldn't dismiss it either.

Take a deep breath, and tell someone that you have something very difficult and very important to tell them and then calmly go into detail.

The hard part isn't telling, it's NOT telling and having to live this way.

[underageflyklub]

Thankyou for replying and being so patient. I really, really appreciate it.
I'm just so scared, you know? I work up the confidence to tell my rents, but then chicken out for one reason or another, I know they'll be really angry, I don't know how much to tell them or whether they'll take it seriously, and, what you've said is right, I've grown really accustomed too it.. but I still think this is normal.. and that I'm just being stupid.
I know this is nothing really, but it's so hard to think of other things and how lucky I am, but I really should + I'm being really selfish about the whole thing.

I'm rambling so much. My mistake.

[byee]

You can 'look on the bright side' and still be aware that there's still some darkness there, too. They're not mutually exclusive, you can feel Ok about certain things, and yet be bothered by others at the same time. If the yuck outweighs the yum, or if it interferes with it, then it's time to tell. And from your description, that time seems to have come.

If you think your folks will respond poorly to all this, you first might want to think if that's probably the case, if it's accurate, or if that assessment is just part of the problem here, that you're not always thinking clearly and seeing things accurately. If that's the case, if your parents are generally warm and loving and understanding, they might be taken aback by all this b/c they're not suspecting it, but if you stay in the convo with them, you might find that they'll be far more supportive than you think. And, just getting it off your chest and sharing it with them might make you feel a lot better. The problems you're having are bad enough, going thru them alone makes it much worse.

[KARMA]

i was googling paranoia and i found this blog. ive been having paranoia problems over a year now. I used to smoke weed alot and was fine but then i started hanging out with some shady ppl who just bugged the shit out me. i thought they were trying to kill me or drugg me by lacing the weed. but half of me knew it was just the weed making me paranoid so day after day i would go back and smoke wit them. For like 3 months i smoked wit them and just bugged out everynight, then the paranoia grew to thinking my brother and family were trying to kill me or poison me. so yeah i stopped smokin wit them and quit smoking its been a year now and i still paranoid but not as bad. i was on zoloft and that helped but i stopped taking it because i like to drink and ur not really supposed to do both. but yeah i think people can hear my thoughts also. lol ya know its not possible but the thoughts... zoloft gets rid of most of the paranoid thoughts. i also have social anxiety dnt know if u got it or not but kinda sounds like it. one way to tell is if you would rather die then get in front of the class and give a presentation. life gets so much easier after school. then your like fuk all those kids and dnt give a shit wat they think of you. ....i was gettin a massage the other day and it was so quiet and i started to think she could here my thoughts i knew it was impossible but i kept saying wat if and let it bother me. i guess it just takes time to get better or just time to get used to being paranoid. sry i guess i wasnt much help but i saw wat other ppl wrote and none of them had paranoid problems,, so just wanted u to know u aint the only one. because i feel the same way u do. GL maybe u could try jesus that what ppl told me to do. it didnt work for me but it has for a lot of ppl.

[underageflyklub]

IAMSAM- I understand where you're coming from. That's a nice way of putting it.. I don't feel so guilty about this whole situation.

I think.. I think my parents will.. crap, I'm not sure. They will be angry I haven't told them, and they won't understand straightaway, I'll need to give them time.
They would insist I get help, though, which isn't such a bad thing. Whether they believed me or not.. because either way it isn't a 'normal' thing.
I keep putting telling them off because I remind myself each day could be a lot worse. Ah, I just need to tell them.

Sorry, I'm sort of working this out as I go along.

Thanks for your help, again. I really, really appreciate it. It's nice to know there is someone out there who helps.