I have a question... Im usualy good at helping people but im total stuck

[cheetin]

Just today a good friend of mine told me over msn she had been sexual abused by 4 men; her boyfriend (no longer), her fauther... and she wont tell me who else. Im usualy the guy that everyone comes to for help but I have never dealt with this before and I am totaly stuck. She has been begging me not to tell anyone and I have been hesatent to call the cops because because this is a huge shock to me and I am in slight denial about the facts. Oh and she is 14 im 15. Please i never ask for help but im still a bit rattled.

[byee]

Often, when people realize you're a sympathetic ear, they can tell you things that can be distressing to hear. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn't. What does happen, however, is you learn what to do, which makes your feelings easier to manage.

In this case, she's not in imminent danger, it's not an ongoing abusive situation. So, although it's clear she needs some help, there's no urgency to make that happen right away. So, take a deep breath, and as you continue to talk (and listen) to her, let her know that you're 'there' for her, but the goal as you see it is for her to tell someone so she can get professional help. And, also, to protect society by locking those creeps up. So, you listen, offer support, and then strategize with her how (and who) she can tell so that she's taking care of both herself and the rest of the world. Do both, let her know that there's a point to her telling you, and that you expect her to follow your recommendation here.

People tell others these horrible things b/c they really want to feel better, they want to get over it, and telling (you, in this case) is the first step. But, they often don't know where to take it from there, what to do next. That's where you come in. People tell b/c they really want the listener to help them, and very often that means telling others to get the professional help they need (and want). They just need to take it in steps, and be reassured that they're not going thru it alone.

This is all OK as long as danger is NOT imminent, that the abuse is not current. If it is, regardless of their wishes, you MUST tell an adult and let them intervene to protect your friend, even if it feels like 'snitching' (it's not) or betraying a confidence. Physical safety always takes precedence in those situations.

But that doesn't sound like the case here. Just let her know what your goal here is, and work towards it.

[cheetin]

Ya thats pretty much what I was going to do. Il need to talk to her a bit more and gets some facts before I do anymore. Thank you verry much

[Beautiful Obsession]

well i dont think ushud call da police. your good mates wiv her and she told u bcuz she trusted you.. if u call the cops u cud risk losing her as a friend. right nw all she needs is someone 2 talk to. maybe try to persuade to her 2 go to the police. or a school teacher?
just dont do anything behind her back. x

[ECGBUnni]

it's great that you're a sympathetic ear, and everyone's basically said great things. I think it's also important to remember that you may also need to talk to someone.

Go see a school counsellor, and tell her that you've heard news that's shocked you. You've already said you're in denial and shocked. Make sure that the counsellor knows it's not an immediate threat and that you are dealing with the situation well, but that you yourself needs to deal with the emotional recoil, so to speak. When you become the sympathetic ear, you may hear things that you don't know how to deal with yourself, so perhaps even a therapist, if you feel like *you* need to talk to people.

My best of luck to you, and keep on supporting your friend, she needs you.

[Crazychild]

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[STAYING_STRONG4HIM]

i went through a similar experience this year where someone told me something that totally shocked me. Something I wasn't sure what to do with...in your situation I think it is best that you do get her some help. First, encourage her to get help herself, encourage her to go see a counselor, then if she does not and you think that she is still in danger then get help for her. Tell a trusted adult. Even if she tells you not to tell anyone and you think she is in danger...still get her help...it's what's best for her trust me. I dated a guy who told me he cut...and he when he told me I was in complete shock and I didn't really want to believe it at first because he was a very nice guy but he told me later on that he was also thinking of suicide...so I knew I needed to get him help right away...I immediately told my youth pastor and from there we got my boyfriends mom to get him to go to counseling and now he has stopped cutting completely. I broke up with him before he completely stopped for personal reasons but after all that happened he thanked me and I think in your case even if she doesn't want you to tell anyone...and you do... that she will forgive you and thank you someday for helping her. She may be upset at first if you tell someone but it will pass. Just keep letting her talk to you ...be a good listener. Sometimes that is all people need is a good listener!

[wavey]

Hey, this is a hard one, i have been involved in dealing with these situations before, be cause i am the 'ear' of the school. when people have an issue, im first port of call for the kids. (im 15 yey;) )
its really fun being it, but on the other hand you get somepeople with differntent issues such as abuse and fights. i deal it as best i can, without putting the person in danger. i would tell her to calm down adn talk to somebody about it. although its up to her, is it afecting her in first person?

[BeautifulTragedy]

Well, the best way to help someone is to let them know your listening. Ask them for details such as 'How long has this been going on?' and ask him/her what exactly did each person do.

And the best thing to do is to hear what they think they should do and either agree with it or tell them a better solution.

But in her situation the best thing to do would be to tell her that she needs to tell someone. Anyone.