What's wrong with me?

[someonelost99]

I'm a young male who is currently 1 year and a bit from finishing high school. I have great friends. I'm clever (going to med school in fact) and girls like me. But for some reason, I'm miserable, and in pain. So I cut.

Why is my life so worthless? Some days I can barely even get myself out of bed. I hate people, and I hate the world. My pain is not physical though, it's emotional. I just want the entire awful business to end. I mean... it's gotten so bad that I've started to thrive in conflict. Some days, I even provoke people into beating me up. Just for a distraction. I get drunk. And as you know, I cut.

Why am I doing this? I can't trust anyone. People can't be trusted. No one except for a very close friend knows, and I'm sure she's the only one that even cares. I feel so awful for putting her through this. I know my habits cause her pain, and that causes guilt, which leads to pain, which leads to more cutting. I just WANT TO STOP! That has to be the biggest thing: why does this very special friend continue to support me, to be there for me? All I've done is caused her mental and emotional anguish. I've done nothing to deserve her care. For her sake, and everyone else's that gives a damn about me, I've tried to convince to ditch me. To leave me while they still can. I don't want to be responsible for so much misery. It's bad enough dealing with my own.

I keep making promises to myself to stop cutting. It never works, but nothing else can relieve my pain! I just want someone, anyone, to understand! That's why I came here. I don't need help, I just need understanding. As long as my cutting doesn't affect the rest of my life, it's not a problem.

I just want it to end. I don't want to be in pain, I don't want to be miserable. I know now that happiness is not attainable for me, but I'd like neutrality. In a form that doesn't spill my blood.

[Atonement]

You cut because as you said, you feel nothing else can make you feel good if something goes wrong. Its understandable, psychologically and biologically. But, that doens't make it okay. You're right, you shouldn't put your girlfriend through it.

If you really want help, we can't help you, we can support you, but we aren't professionals and what you need, is as professional. There is a sticky that can address the help issue. right here -> CLICK ME! (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=38277)

And as for finding someone who understands, you came to the right place for that, most people here, even if not active in the Psych ward, can understand cutting and self harm.

Hope you feel better

~Addison :daisy:

[byee]

Were you ever abused?

[jacknife]

I'm a young male who is currently 1 year and a bit from finishing high school. I have great friends. I'm clever (going to med school in fact) and girls like me. But for some reason, I'm miserable, and in pain. So I cut.
Whoever said happiness could be found in cleverness or women? Whoever said happiness could be found at all? You are discovering it can not. This is a prime opportunity in your life to find and create new values for yourself - don't hide from it. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

Why is my life so worthless?
Because you think it is. But you have the opportunity to think of it in a different way; to see it in a new light.

Some days I can barely even get myself out of bed. I hate people, and I hate the world. My pain is not physical though, it's emotional. I just want the entire awful business to end. I mean... it's gotten so bad that I've started to thrive in conflict. Some days, I even provoke people into beating me up. Just for a distraction. I get drunk. And as you know, I cut.
Ha! You are alive, my friend, alive! I've often had fantasies of getting the shit beat out of me, just for the experience. How can you say your life is worthless when you feel the pain of a fist against your body? Or see blood dripping from your flesh? Is there no meaning in that!? No worth!?

You should watch Fight Club. It's an awesome movie and you will definitely find it relevant to your current situation. I don't agree with everything the main antagonist (Tyler Durden) says, but it's definitely an interesting story of men who seek meaning for themselves by escaping their white-collar jobs and consensually beating each other up.

Not saying that getting beaten up is the solution to your problems (indeed, I'm telling you that there IS NO SOLUTION to your problems); just saying it's an interesting movie that you might find relevant.

Why am I doing this?
You're seeking meaning. There is no greater experience in life than that which can be found in struggling. Struggling to achieve, struggling to create meaning, struggling to find worth, struggling to express yourself. All the value lies in the struggle. You have begun questioning yourself and doubting yourself, you've begun taking your anger and frustration out on yourself - evidence of self-struggling.

All I'm saying is don't hide from the struggle - embrace it. So long as you are human you will struggle with yourself. So why try to stop struggling? Why seek an end to it? It will NEVER end. Instead, perhaps, you should find your struggle meaningful.

Rather than seek to avoid your current situation, all I'm saying is that you should dive head first into it. Learn what you can now, while this feeling lasts. Experiment a little and learn to love life for all it has to offer - even its pains and struggles.

Don't see your current situation as an obstacle; see it as an opportunity. :)

[Beautiful Obsession]

you want 2 stop cutting dont you? speak 2 ur doctor? easier said than done i know. im a cutter and i wish i cud stop but its hard. i have a razor under my pillow is i ever need it. u prob hav sumet simular. throw it away and everythin u cud halm urself wiv. its a start. everytime u feel like harming urself put a comedy on tv, read a magazine w/e u enjoy doin. it will take ur mind off it for a while. everythings possible.. im not going to be a hipocrite and say its easy.. but giv it ago xx good luck :) xx

[someonelost99]

I can't tell a doctor. I know what they'd do. I'd end up in a psychiatrist's office, that's where. And I don't want that. Because I don't need to be fixed, or analysed. I just need to sort out my problem.

And no, I wasn't abused. But then again, I wasn't exactly close to my parents either. You know how some kids sleep in their parent's bed when they're scared, or young? I never did that. Also, I didn't get a lot of affection. I got praise all right, but actual physical displays of affection, like hugs, or kisses? Not many of those.

~ Please use the edit button if you have something to add to a previous post.

Addison.

[Atonement]

If you are not serious enough to visit a doctor, and are not willing to get the help you need, you are not serious about getting help and don't want help. We can't make you do anything. But if you do want help, talk to a doctor. If that means going to a psych evaluation, then you go to a psych evaluation and get help. You can't just "fix" yourself. You need HELP. You'll fail without support, professionals, and commitment.

[Beautiful Obsession]

Well how about talking to a close friend then or a teacher? i dontknow about yours but at my school if you tell them anything like thats in confidentual? that way no-one will have to be going any phyciatric office.. Maybe thats part of the reason your cutting? you wish you had a child hood like that? maybe you wish that u had a closer relation ship with ur parents? why dont u try talking to them? maybe just start talking about school work and give them a hug or something?

good luck xx