I still want to end it.

[nachtspiegel]

Deep down, I still want to end my life. It's been nine months since I got out of the psychiatric hospital, and not much has changed. Because I haven't ended up in the emergency room again, my therapist and psychiatrist assume that I'm feeling fine. The feeling radiates, I guess you could say. Some days, I feel fine and it's an undertone, and some days, like today, I'm so close to downing all of my pills or jumping off of a bridge. Some days, I feel like I need to be re-committed, but I have too much going on. (That isn't a good excuse, but it holds a lot of weight.) I can't bring myself to talk about this with my therapist or my psychiatrist because I don't want to end up being re-committed, but I have a feeling that I'll end up dead one these days. I have plans and goals, but the simpler and much more appealing solution is to drown myself in my bathtub.
I hate myself and everything I am. I am a waste.

[Triceratops]

Don't do it! Please. You are not a waste, nobody is. Like you said, you have plans and goals in life and you want to be able to live on and achieve them as you are extremely capable of succeeding in them, instead of drowning yourself.

I think you do need to try to talk to your therapist, otherwise the fear of ending up dead one day could be warming closer.

As you said, certain days you feel different. Just remember that tomorrow will be a hell of a lot more of a better day, before you kill yourself.

Sorry if my advice sucks, but I know exactly how you're feeling as if I've been there myself, when pychiatrists are insisting I'm okay, but the next minute I'm on verge of poisoning or hanging myself.

[someonelost99]

Therapists are idiots. No one can truly know what you're (or we're - we all have problems) going through, unless they've experienced it themselves.

It's true. Life does suck. But killing yourself is not a good option. If anything can stop you, then the thought of the resulting pain of your suicide to your loved ones ought to do it. People suck. They will make your life hell. The only thing to do is to find what matters to you, and devote your time to it. Screw what the world thinks. You're your own person. I know you may feel hopeless and out of control (I know I do), but you have to persevere. We don't owe anything to life, except to hang on to it. With whatever it takes.

[byee]

David, the simple fact that you have not needed to go back into the hospital shows improvement, that although you might feel awful sometimes, you're coping with it much better than you used to. Don't confuse 'feeling' with 'coping'. The first step here is to cope better with the feelings, it takes time to tame the feelings and make them go away. You're well on your way to recovery, eventhough sometimes it doesn't quite feel so.

I think you might do well to share the struggle with your therapist, not only will you get it off your chest, you can also learn other ways of dealing with them amd strenghtening those coping skills. Besides, it will give you the opportunity to get some support and validation that you're doing better than you think, and see the therapist in a different, more trustworthy way. Trained pro's know the diff btw'n feelings and imminent actions, I think there's a low risk here of them getting the butterfly net out.

Gratz on 9 months, David, you're on your way to recovery!

[nachtspiegel]

Sorry if my advice sucks, but I know exactly how you're feeling as if I've been there myself, when pychiatrists are insisting I'm okay, but the next minute I'm on verge of poisoning or hanging myself.

Your advice doesn't suck at all. As a matter of fact, it really helped me. That's exactly my problem with my mental health team - because they see me as alright (my therapist once every two weeks and my psychiatrist once a month) they assume that I'm doing completely fine. I'm now on 30mg of Lexapro every morning. I've been on it for almost a month, and at this point, it hasn't helped, but I'm trying to give it a chance. My mood swings are crazy. I was with a friend earlier, and we took eachothers minds off of quite a bit of things (we're both going through a lot right now) but now, my mind is wandering and I want to cut so bad.
I hate feeling this way, I really do. I just need my release, and I need it now.

We don't owe anything to life, except to hang on to it. With whatever it takes.

I'm doing everything I can. "The only thing to do is to find what matters to you, and devote your time to it" is great advice... that's something I'm focusing on more and more lately. During my brighter moments, I feel that... if I don't want to live for myself, I should live for someone else.

Gratz on 9 months, David, you're on your way to recovery!

Thanks, Sam. :) Sometimes, I find myself missing that place more than anything. I hated the restrictions, but I felt more at home in my three weeks there than I have anywhere else in my entire life. I miss the staff, I miss the people, I miss knowing that I'd be waking up and going to sleep in the same place every day and night. I miss knowing what to expect, even though, in general, I am a less than planned person. I am agnostic by belief, but I feel like there has to be something more than what we can see.

I was with a friend of mine today, and we were both talking about losses, trials, and pain... I was torn between holding onto her, to just try and deal and leaping off of the bridge we were near. I did neither, but I'm so tired of being torn. Even during my happiest moments, suicide lingers as an undertone. It's always at least on the back of my mind, and it is slowly emerging to the front of my mind full stop.

I don't know what to do.

[byee]

David, you do know what to do. Don't confuse the impulse with a loss of critical thought here. Remember, recovery is a slow process, it's not like taking a Tylenol when you have a headache and ....Voila!...headache gone! The first step is that you cope better, not that the urges and bad feelings just go away completely. That takes more time. Revel in your success here at coping better, don't let the lingering urges and feelings distract you form that! You're doing great! :)

It's not surprising you miss the hospital, I've heard that before. The hospital has some very good, caring people who took very good care of you, who wouldn't miss that? It's the safety and security of that environment that was so curative for you, and felt so good. And, should you feel the need, you can always go back for a while.

However, it might be important to remember that the feelings you had in the hospital are not unique to that place. Yoi can still surround yourself with caring, devoted people, you can still trust them, and you can still allow yourself to feel safe in their presence. You created those feelings, afterall, they belong to you. Those people and that place only were the catalyst. You have (or can have) the same *stuff* now that you thrived on there.

Also, maybe you should be seeing that therapist more frequently?

[RaeNose]

Plus, even with Tylenol, it still takes about 20 minutes to kick in. I'm sorry, I tend to make jokes when I really shouldn't. Honestly, we can manipulate therapists and counselors into thinking we're all right: they're regular people; it's not that hard. In my opinion, you should've held onto that friend. Everyone needs those friends to hold onto who will stay loyal and help us through these times. You never know, she may just be the person it all comes down to during a major crisis in these trials.

[Atonement]

What do you expect the therapists to do? Read your mind? If you don't tell them, they won't know, so tell them and express everything.

I love ya bud. Take care of yourself.

[Beautiful Obsession]

inoo how u feel.. sort of. i hav never been in a phyciatric ward. and i wud neva want to. like u neva want to go back. u hav good days and bad days. on a bad day think of the good days. it should work. easiersaid than done but please dont do anything stupid x

[nachtspiegel]

Thing is, Addi, even though I'm going through therapy and psych services, I'm still trying to decide if I really want to fight it or not. I'm not sure what I want to do. I know that everyone in my life would be better off without me around. I spend so much time looking at the sky and wishing that I was beyond it. I spend so much time dealing with the reality that I don't want to be here. Death isn't a bright prospect, but if that gets me away from everything...

[RaeNose]

I'm going to tell you the same exact thing I told my boyfriend.
No one would be better off without you. Don't EVER think that way. Think of your siblings and how devastated they would be to not have you around (if you're an only child, I'm sorry for that). There are so many people that care about you and it makes me sick that you would ever consider this. I know you have your bad days, and I know you think that people would get over it, but you're wrong. Those who know you, who love you, would always have that one piece of heart that you tore from their chest because you left them forever. Because they will NEVER get to see you again. You will never get to see, touch, hold or laugh with anyone who's ever cared for you ever again.
It hurts to see you like this, please get better. I really really really care about.

[CaptainObvious]

Thing is, Addi, even though I'm going through therapy and psych services, I'm still trying to decide if I really want to fight it or not. I'm not sure what I want to do. I know that everyone in my life would be better off without me around. I spend so much time looking at the sky and wishing that I was beyond it. I spend so much time dealing with the reality that I don't want to be here. Death isn't a bright prospect, but if that gets me away from everything...

Everyone in your life would not be better with you gone. It's a convenient rationalization, but even if every single person you knew treated you terribly, if you committed suicide the next day they'd all be devastated. As would everyone here who obviously care for you a great deal and want to help.

In your deepest, darkest, most miserable moment, when you feel like life is worth absolutely nothing and there is nothing to live for, you're still worth so boundlessly much that your loss would be an immeasurable tragedy. You may not feel it, but it's the truth. Hang in there. :)

[nachtspiegel]

So, today was a little rough.
I had an episode earlier.
I couldn't decide whether to scream, yell, or ram my head into a wall.
I ended up doing a little bit of all three.

I felt fine, then I just tripped out.
I started screaming at everyone.
I just couldn't get a grip on it.

I went to sleep, and now I'm so sluggish.
Everything feels so distant.

I feel like the inside of my head is always a constantly raging storm.
I'm tired.

[RaeNose]

Me too, hun, me too. I'm really sorry you feel this way. I really hope you feel better. Just remember that we all care about you here.

[wavey]

If the theropy isnt working for you, try differnt strategys, learn a new skill or, excell in a skill you have already, there is ways to stop you killing yourself. ;) be in control and if you do need help, theres always us, ask one of us that you know and trist to be like a pshycologist and you can tell them you're problems, it helps to let things out.