stumble and stay or get back up?

[bbychop]

Wow, guys, I'm hardly on here often anymore. Considering I work forty plus hours a week and otherwise I am sleeping. Meh, but I actually need some advice.

There has been this guy, Zach. We had been off and on for almost three years. We had our tiffs. A couple of bad ones that are leading me to where I am today but I guess I should give out the full extent of our relationship.
We met back in June of '06 by a mutual friend on MySpace, knowing we were going to school together the next year, we decided to go hang out one night. I guess you could call it a date. We went downtown and hung around, even shared a kiss on top of a parking garage. Anyway, a different friend unknowingly ruined it until the following August when we started hanging around each other in school. He was never fond of my ex (the one who I had been off and on with for two years) and he was quite honest. Throughout September and December, we had moments where we didn't talk and moments we were completely head over heels for each other and everyone thought of me as his girlfriend (whether or not he knew that, I don't know).
April of '07 things started heating up again. We got really close, hung out often, even did the bad things, and talked every night. Around June he found out (from someone) that I had talked to my previous ex and told me that it was all his fault and he was sorry but he didn't think we'd ever talk again. I tried and tried to convince myself otherwise to the point where I figured I should just move on with my life.
During this time we weren't talking, he got another girl pregnant. I need to mention that.
In September of last year, I met a couple of people who actually knew him. One was trying to date him at the time and by December we got back in touch. We spent about a week and a half together straight (even on days where I had to go to work the next morning). He was even there with me and for me after I had gotten in my wreck. Days and weeks passed and we were maintaining a good relationship. One night before I went on a road trip I told him "no matter what has happened, I'm not leaving." He kissed me goodbye and went inside. I saw him a few other times.
On January eleventh, I straight up told him I found out about his son. Whether it be a disaster or not, you tell me. I thought he would have taken it better but instead he stopped talking me and told me once more "I think it's best if we just forget everything."
Of course, in my mind, I'm giving it space and time. Except for when I'm drunk... but that is beside any point.
I can honestly say that I love him. I have known I had for a while, too.
My cousin has told me to give it some time. We have both decided that the beginning of May, he is going to take me to see him. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. We both work at similar places so I know what to ask for and get out of there, but am I supposed to sit there and try to talk to him or am I supposed to just ignore him, nod, and get out of there hoping he remembers everything?
This is driving me insane...

..Uhm, thanks.

[byee]

There are a couple of things here that stand out for me.

People who really care for each other aren't 'really 'On and Off', it's not that inconsistent. You either are 'On', or you're 'Off''. Feelings are pretty consistent, that's what drives the behavior. Make sure you're not just chasing ghosts here, this need to be in *something*. We all need to be loved, but it's important to accurately judge the other's ability to do so, not just be in touch with our own needs. Just b/c you need something and *someone* is there doesn't mean it's a good fit.

Second, your Zach has had some complicated events in his life, involving other people (and I assume now, that child, too). He may still be struggling with what those committments mean, and how it ultimately affects his availability for other relationships. Your bringing it up was both correct, and also provocative, as it forces him to address that, at least as it pertains to you and him. Maybe that's why he's withdrawn.

I think the best tack here is to be cordial with him, but not push it. It's not only very complicated b/c of *her* and the baby, but also b/c it remains unclear based on your history with him if it is really such a good thing, anyway. People can change, but they also need to demonstrate that chnage for it to be trustworthy. and I'm not really hearing that, what I am hearing instead is your need to be involved and perhaps looking a bit too nostalgic on what was.

[bbychop]

There is a lot I did end up leaving out. I was typing fast because I thought I was about to fall asleep while writing.
Whenever we started hanging out again last, he told me before that it was all because of my ex. He never stopped thinking about what happened and he had tried to get in touch with me but failed.
All I know about him and the mother of his child is that he left her when she found out. Not quite sure why, but we all have our theories. I know he was there for the birth. It was right before we got back in complete touch.
I can probably ramble on about the past for hours when the major events seemed to be more recent. I have not grasped the fact over a few things now as I didn't back then.
I am always told it was the right thing to do to tell him. But in turn, I lost whatever I had with him. I am not sure if it is completely or what. I guess that is what I am trying to figure out.

[byee]

Not tell him you know about his son? I doubt that changed much, it only brought it out. It's an awkward thing, but it's a very real one at that, and things should be brought out, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable, that's the only way they can be addressed. Having a child is a pretty major event, better it should be addressed up front, esp. if there's a chance that somehow you could be involved in it or otherwise be affected by it.

[bbychop]

Well, I knew I needed to tell him. Just I never found the right time. I told him on a road trip about a hundred miles from home.
I found out about the girl being pregnant a month after he found out himself, just he didn't know that.
He admitted it to a friend of ours right before I told him I knew. Yet I still wonder why he couldn't tell me.

Today at work, a guy who knows the both of us came in. Apparently he knew about every aspect of mine and his relationship. He told me not to worry and it will all be alright.
I'm still caught off guard.

[nachtspiegel]

[...]

[bbychop]

We both work at the same restaurant, just different units.
I mean as in different places. It's complicated.
And no, it's not long distance. It's just across town.

I am more than likely going to his job.
He's Mister Manager for seven hours four days a week.
So privacy is at least a plus with that.

[nachtspiegel]

[...]

[bbychop]

They always say the past should stay in the past,
I believe he is a firm believer in that.
I have not technically spoken to him in almost two months.
Two months as of the sixteenth, at least.

I plan on doing this the beginning of May.
To clear both of our heads.
And at least get me through a couple of therapy sessions.

[nachtspiegel]

Going through a couple of a therapy sessions sounds like a good idea. You'll have a better chance to work through things in a one-on-one environment. Honestly, though, without trying to sound cold (forgive me if I do,) I feel like this is one of two scenarios: either he doesn't know how to handle the situation, so he's chosen not to face you, or he's moving on with his life.

I wish you all the best either way.
:hug:

[bbychop]

Yesterday at therapy, my therapist told me he believes that Zach is a part of a lot of things going in my mind. I already told him my semi-sorta game plan and he wants me to come in for a session before I go see him so he (as in my therapist) can help me know what to do and what to say.
But no, you didn't sound cold. You are likely right on one of those scenarios. I'm trying not to think about it so much and just wait until that day and then I'll know whether to move on or to keep holding on.

But thank you.
:hug: