My cousin just "came out" and I don't know how to feel

[pokerface]

UGH! My cousin just told us that he's gay. Whooo. Big deal, but I feel so betrayed that he didn't tell me earlier. I moved from Atlanta about 4 years ago, but when I lived there, he was my best friend and the brother I never had. I love him so much, and I miss him so much. He says that he knew when he was 8. That was in '98. I left in '03. He was 13 and I was 9. I went back down 2 years ago, and it just seemed that like he didn't even care about me. I miss him so much, and I just wish that he would make an effort with our relationship. I resent him so much for not caring. How am I supposed to feel when I miss him so much, and I don't even feel like he cares.

He even said he figured I knew years ago because we were so close. I really want to reach out to him now, but my mom won't let me. I want to let him know that I still love him and miss him. But since we haven't really spoken since then, I have no idea how to approach it.

This was half-vent/half-advice needed thread, so help me!

[byee]

Well, for one, ditch the 'I feel betrayed b/c he didn't tell me sooner' attitude. His coming out to you was a big step for him, one that probably took quite some time and courage or him. Besides, it IS about him, not you.

Maybe the betrayal you're feeling is more about the sense of abandonment you've felt for him detaching from you and not being as emotionally available to you as you once enjoyed, but still need? THAT'S a different issue, one where your sense of loss/betrayal is understandable. When we love someone and feel attached to them and are dependent on them (all really good things!), we react to the loss of that with sadness and anger and hurt that comes from a deeper sense of abandonment.

Your cousin has certainly been dealing with a lot of very important issues in the intervening time, and maybe his preoccupation has caused him to withdraw (from you and perhaps a lot of other people and things, too). However, understanding it from his perspective is one part of it, the other is sharing with him your own experience of it. And, what you currently need from him right now.

Finding out someone is gay can be a little unsettling, but usually more b/c you hadn't suspected. It's really not THE thing that defines someone, and certainly not someone you seem to love so much. There's no reason for that to change.

Talk with him, but also listen as well.

[Skeln]

Yeah, as IAMSAM said I doubt your cousin betrayed you. it takes alot of guts to come out, so you should ust appreciate that he trusts you enough to tell you such a valuable secret. It abviously shows that he trust you. You just have to let it sink in; after awhile you'll et used to the idea.

As for the repaiing the relationship thing, well try talking to him on the phone. Tell him what you feel, and as IAMSAM also said, listen to what he has to say. I'm sure it will mean alot to him knowing that you love him for who he is and not for what you thought he was.

[Skuzzy]

You should be proud of your cousin! What he did is very brave