My friend needs help.

[Destiny&Desire]

From what she's told me, my friend was sexually abused at a young age.

Only three of her friends, including me, know, and I just feel that it would help her if she could tell someone, to lift the burden, and potentially punish the man who hurt her.

But she's really reluctant, and refuses to tell anyone because she doesn't want her parents/the school to find out. She blames herself for what happened, because of all the negative things that this man said about her during that time. She doesn't want to tell anyone until she's 18 when there's more confidentiality, but I just feel that if she waits for another few years then things aren't going to get any better.

I really want to help her, but she's just so hesitant, and I don't 100% think that she's accepted what happened herself.

I don't want to force her into doing things she's not comfortable with. But she's lived with this secret for years, and I don't think that continuing like this is going to do her any good.

Advice please?
x x x

[Mzor203]

You're right that what happened to her is most likely burdening her, and it's probably not a great thing to always have on her mind. However, she already has told you and a couple other of her friends, so she's already got a bit of it off her mind.

Now, a couple things to keep in mind are these: Years and years later, the man who did it to her is very unlikely to be charged for this, as there isn't really and evidence to go off of. So I don't think that should be part of the conern here, unless the man is still in her life and is a danger to her in some way.

Next, do you know why exactly she doesn't want people to know about this? Is there a reason she has for not wanting her parents to know? Because if there isn't a reason, that's a little irrational. However, if she has a reason, and it is a reason that makes sense, don't push her too hard to do it if it's going to hurt her in sme way.

Now, if it is burdenning her a good deal, it makes a lot of sense to go to some form of counseling just so she can get it off her chest, and get a little help lifting that feeling out of her mind. If she's set on not going to it, well, then you have a bit of a problem, but you need to try as best you can to get her to see someone unless there is a very, veery good reason not to.

I wish you good luck. It's hard to see your friend in a position like this, where they refuse to get help. I hope things work out. :)

[byee]

You're a good friend.

And it's probably b/c of this, that she's told you about this unbearable experience and secret. It must have been very hard for her to do. This speaks to her trust in you, and her feeling safe and secure finally being able to share this with you.

Sometimes, it's really clear to the friend and listener what needs to be done and what the consequences of not doing so are. But, I'd bet that she's aware of them, too. She's just not ready to take thet big a step just yet.

Sometimes it takes a while to get comfortable with the idea of 'unburdening' yourself and getting into therapy. Sometimes, for the listener it's an unbearable amount of time. But, it's a process, one which your firend has started, and one which frankly has only one logical conclusion (therapy), b/c I am sure that she feels much better finally having told you. There's such benefit to sharing something awful, if only for the benefit of no longer holdiing it in and going thru it alone.

I'd give it time, and continue to be supportive of her, and not push therapy or 'telling someone'. Do not underestimate the positive impact your presence in her life is making. In time, she'll get the professional help she needs, even if it is at 18.

[Destiny&Desire]

She doesn't tend to say too much (she has a lot of trust issues), but she doesn't get on very well with her family and has problems with them and stuff, as they have just found out lots of things about her and she has been admitted to CAMHs (some counselling place?)

I think the man who did it is still in her life, he comes and visits her family on the odd occassion or something, but he's not around her often.

She thinks that if people know then they will call her a whore and blame her(presumably because the guy who did it called her names like that, and she believed him), and she just has a negative self-image of herself.

You'd never expect it if you saw her in real-life, though - she's really good at hiding things, and looks like any other teenager. But if anyone mentions a difficult topic, be it in class or just anywhere, she unravels a bit, and I can just see that it affects her.

As I said before, she is planning to tell someone when she's 18, so I guess that's better than never.

Thanks for the replies =]
x x x