Ideas, thoughts?

[INFERNO]

This I think is my first time posting a thread in this area but always a first time to everything. I believe my diagnosis is already in another thread or two, but to recite it so you don't need to jump around and find out where I've managed to hide it:

- Personality Disorders NOS (Anti-social, narcissistic, schizotypal)
- Schizophrenia
- Insomnia (not diagnosed but I can put 2 and 2 together)
- Sadism or rather, an addiction to pain of others (emotional and physical)
- DID idea has recently been shut down

Anyways, I've kept much of myself away from this website, and no, I'm not going to start pouring it all out now. Too much typing for me. So I'll make it quick and short: I'm plain annoyed at this, going from psychiatrist to psychiatrist, finally ending up at a forensic psychiatry hospital where the 2 of the 3 current psychiatrists are (no, i'm not inpatient nor outpatient, just seeing them there).

The main reason why I'm being tossed around like the smelly ball nobody wants to play with, according to my main psychiatrist and my therapist, is because of the sadism. I'll elaborate as it may sound a bit odd. Part of the schizophrenia is auditory and visual hallucinations. Auditory used to be insults and such but not anymore. Now, if I see someone, it may be a hallucination or an intrusive thought, I really don't know, but it tells me step-by-step how to kill or hurt the person. If I ignore it, it goes louder and louder then eventually goes away. The visual, which is rather common, ranges from blood pouring from my bed, a kid in the hallway, faces on the walls screaming at me with blood pouring from them, torn up parts of people hanging on a bus and dripping, to a disfigured cat jumping through a wall, etc... . Although this isn't the main issue to me, it gets a bit annoying.

However, to the docs, the issue of the thoughts and voices of killing, the fact I really really want to kill (only killed a few animals, attempted on humans but was pulled off but I don't go for animals anymore). I used to watch various things involving animals in pain, being killed, etc... . I used to like it but then, one of the videos involved a dog skinned alive but paws unskinned. I hated it, I wanted to find those people and have them suffer. So, I decided, hey, if I want to do it, why not watch? So, I watched (friends watched with me), a kid get over-dosed on I think heroin (not sure what it was) and I think he died. Anyways, the friends were horrified but I loved it. I went home and just started watching over and over and over. Per day, I spend roughly 2-4 hours watching it, maybe some porn also but strictly humans 18-21+ years. Call it sick, whatever. I think it's perfectly healthy. I mean, I haven't really harmed anyone for a while (physically). At the dojo I used to go to, that was a fun place as we learnt self-defence, karate, etc... . Some people may find it odd but I find it fine.

I find others odd. There's a wall between me and others, regardless of how close physically I am, I'm always isolated. I rarely understand the emotions, and that I sometimes find annoying. Other times I don't care as those certain people aren't worth my time. I'm worth theirs.

The part I'm posting about though is emotions. For years I haven't really had them. Anger I have, and it tends to explode. Regardless if I'm angry, I take what I want from who I want when I want how I want. I don't accept failure, if I tell someone to have it done somehow, I want it done, not a half-assed lame version. I use the anger and such if need be. I'll admit, I've manipulated probably a bit over a dozen people at campus, a few girls, etc... . I see the emotions in others perfectly, but I don't feel them. I haven't felt guilt, remorse, etc.... . When I watch the videos or even in real-life, if someone is crying in pain or from something emotional, I get this rush where I want more. If I need to hurt them, I don't care, I'll do it. I remember when my grandmother was in the hospital complaining about getting the i.v's, my mother was all sympathetic and the first thing that happened, which I couldn't control was smile, laugh, the look of sadness and pain, I just laughed at. For her, for anyone really (except animals).

I have a few close "friends", which I have manipulated countless times but they haven't left. For 1 of them, I don't manipulate him much but rather, protect him. Have fun chatting with him, if I need to, I'll get him to give me whatever but usually I don't. However, if someone else goes to hurt him, Idon't think twice about killing them or making them have a miserable life. It's over not when he says it's over (as he tends to protest to it a lot) but when I say it's over.

Part of the reason (I think) for liking it is the power. Power over anything I love, if I could, I'd bathe in it.

But the reason for posting this, and for having to make it so long, is first off, I'm not going to a psych ward or anything like that. I'm going to continue my university career. I've been in the hospital for a physical injury and had to punch the idiot doctor, crush the stupid nurses then I got what I wanted. If they get hurt, it's not my fault, it's theirs, their problem for being so weak.

I also want to know, how can I cut down watching the stuff? If I watch it, I get a rush, excitement, no longer emptiness or numbness. But when it's over, those feelings last a little bit then they go away. But I want more, I want it again, I want more of it and so, on and on it goes. If I see someone in pain or just bleeding, I instantly imagine just tearing them apart. I'm not in it for the killing, after all, I'm left with a corpse and necrophilia is just wrong, it's illegal, it's bad. But I'm in it for the pain, to see and hear it, to feel it.

Also, why do I love the pain? I can remember from grade 2-3, several times I threw kids off the playground then kicked them a bit more. When I got the time-out, I laughed and went back to doing whatever I wanted. Put on a nice show, faked the pathetic human emotions, watched others, learnt the rules of all the human games and use them now. But sometimes it gets irritating not feeling it but other times, I love not feeling it. If I could feel it only certain times and only a bit, then I may like it. But other than that, screw it, I consider myself to be one step forward in evolution. Humans are bound by these stupid emotions, get rid of them and you're better.

Edit: I'm waiting to get a phone call to do some personality tests for the personality disorders as i haven't had tests for them before. Hence, another reason for the forensic psychiatry hospital.

[byee]

Well, that's quite a story.

I think there are a couple of things which come to mind. The first is that a lot of what you complain about seems to result from you being out of control of some of the feelings or thoughts or impulses you get. People think about a lot of things that can be frankly weird or innapropriate, but they have the control to not act on them. For you, those controls don't seem so strong. Maybe one of the major goals here needs to be strengthening those controls. This can be done thru extensive (i.e. at least weekly or 2x/weekly) therapy where you can process what's going on inside yourself, and learn ways to recognize and control it by learning the tools to do so.

The other way of controlling some of the more intrusive thoughts, images, and impulses is thru medication. Perhaps a lot of those things are the result of the brain biology not being quite right. The meds would rebalance it, making the symptoms go away. It's like indigestion, you take some antacid to make that go away, only in your brain.

[INFERNO]

I've been on medications before, mostly anti-psychotics but they make me too tired to be able to focus in university, so I go off of them. I do see a therapist about every 2-3 weeks, although it's not particularly that useful. We sometimes try to do some role-playing, where she gives a situation and I'm supposed to give a response based on the emotions but I just get confused and don't understand it. Such as, if I'm walking my dog and randomly the dog starts choking, but someone else comes along and tries to save the dog but fails, what do I do? My instant reaction was torture and kill him via suffocation, as it is only appropriate. If we discuss some of the torture stuff I mentioned, that I love doing but she seems a bit clueless. Mostly it revolves around her asking why I like it, and frankly, I have no idea why. We've done a few things where she tried to tell me what compassion was, although I already know what it was, I think she wanted me to feel it but I just felt the same.

[NightHawksr71]

The easiest way to cut down on watching this stuff is to remove your ability to view it, I'll assume your viewing it on the net. if its at all possible you can just unplug your modem, or the best way is when you feel you really need to see it, try and do something else until the feeling/urge goes away, thats probably the easiest solution, albeit a temporary one. In regards to meds have your doctors mentioned any others that may be able to help that don't have the side effects? Maybe you should ask them about it?

a fair bit of this stuff describes me quite well to, Either way good luck with uni and hope things get easier and better for you.

[byee]

I've been on medications before, mostly anti-psychotics but they make me too tired to be able to focus in university, so I go off of them. I do see a therapist about every 2-3 weeks, although it's not particularly that useful. We sometimes try to do some role-playing, where she gives a situation and I'm supposed to give a response based on the emotions but I just get confused and don't understand it. Such as, if I'm walking my dog and randomly the dog starts choking, but someone else comes along and tries to save the dog but fails, what do I do? My instant reaction was torture and kill him via suffocation, as it is only appropriate. If we discuss some of the torture stuff I mentioned, that I love doing but she seems a bit clueless. Mostly it revolves around her asking why I like it, and frankly, I have no idea why. We've done a few things where she tried to tell me what compassion was, although I already know what it was, I think she wanted me to feel it but I just felt the same.

You know, eventhough the meds might make you a bit tired, they still might be worth it. A lot of the symptoms you have are the result of some biochemical changes in the neurotransmitters in your brain, and the meds readjust them, and in so doing, alleviate the symptoms. Sometimes it takes a while for the side efects to wear off, and sometimes it takes some time to find the right meds, but the benefits to them might outweigh the unpleasantness. I'd recommend you consider trying them again, and stay with them for a while to see if the side effects wear off and see how you then feel. Most people report a fairly dramatic improvement in the way they feel and the thoughts they have.

[INFERNO]

The easiest way to cut down on watching this stuff is to remove your ability to view it, I'll assume your viewing it on the net. if its at all possible you can just unplug your modem, or the best way is when you feel you really need to see it, try and do something else until the feeling/urge goes away, thats probably the easiest solution, albeit a temporary one. In regards to meds have your doctors mentioned any others that may be able to help that don't have the side effects? Maybe you should ask them about it?

a fair bit of this stuff describes me quite well to, Either way good luck with uni and hope things get easier and better for you.

Some of it on the net. Some of it I imagine, dream about, draw down or get it in real-life but that's mostly from someone getting emotionally damaged by someone else or me. I have asked and also from my knowledge, there are none that have none of the side-effects. Even the newest ones have the side-effects. Although drawing it down is the best method I have, which doesn't always work if I really feel the need to kill again or turn someone I consider a sub-human vermon into my punching bag.


You know, eventhough the meds might make you a bit tired, they still might be worth it. A lot of the symptoms you have are the result of some biochemical changes in the neurotransmitters in your brain, and the meds readjust them, and in so doing, alleviate the symptoms. Sometimes it takes a while for the side efects to wear off, and sometimes it takes some time to find the right meds, but the benefits to them might outweigh the unpleasantness. I'd recommend you consider trying them again, and stay with them for a while to see if the side effects wear off and see how you then feel. Most people report a fairly dramatic improvement in the way they feel and the thoughts they have.

Well, I did something different. I was scheduled to go in and take some personality tests, included the full MMPI-2 (which is a royal pain in the ass). Afterwards, I have to go back to 1 other place then later I can get the results and they do something depending on those results. The only thing left is a 1-1 interview, in which they ask me pretty much the exact same questions that I filled out (I know this because I grabbed the test booklet and looked through it while the psychologist bitched a bit).

I just don't have much patience nor time to wait a few weeks, especially since exams are in April, and still have some other tests and papers. Going on the meds for a while means I postpone quite a bit of it and marks go down the drain. True, the benefits may outweigh, however, I don't have much time nor patience to fiddle around with the meds.

[byee]

Time and patience aren't nearly as important as results. Your health is most important here. Consider call the MD and scheduling an appointment. If I've understood this correctly, the fantasies and agitation aren't well tolerated by you, there's a chance that those urges will break thru and you might act on them.

[INFERNO]

Time and patience aren't nearly as important as results. Your health is most important here. Consider call the MD and scheduling an appointment. If I've understood this correctly, the fantasies and agitation aren't well tolerated by you, there's a chance that those urges will break thru and you might act on them.

I've acted on them a few times but not on humans (the times I did, the person still lived). If you mean not well tolerated as in I don't like them, then you're wrong. I do like them, I love them, just sometimes they get a bit annoying. If you meant that I don't have much control over them and the urges, then you're more correct.