dissosiciation

[dying lullaby]

ever since i was a little girl i would have periods of time ranging from minutes to hours to days where i couldnt remember things until they were said to me again...yeah it sounds normal but its not - idk how to make it seem like it is but its deff different from your normal lapses of memory. i do this thing called dissosociation. its where my consious mind "takes a break" and lets my unconscious take over. or atleast thats what i understand from what i've experianced and been told.

when i dissosociate it feels and looks like i am behind this sheer curtain. i can see through it but i cant act through it. i know whats going on, and try as i might, i cant do anything about it - but someone else inside of me does things for me instead. its not like multiple personality where there are multiple ppl inside of one body. this is my unconscious acting out...i guess a good way to look at it would be to compair me to someone drunk - the alcohol in their system lets them do things they normaly wouldnt do. in my case i normaly wouldnt cut, i normaly wouldnt try to kill myself, i normally would throw myself down on the floor and cry until i couldnt cry any more - but all of these things i secretly want to do. i havent told ppl that the things i do when i dissisociate are things that i've wanted to do for so long but wouldnt dare do.

for example: i stopped cutting because a dear friend of mine made me promise not to do it anymore - i will not break a promise so i was bound by my word. during the months when i didnt cut, it was all i thought about. i had dreams where i cut(similar to drunk dreams that alcoholics experiance) and i wanted to so badly. but i promised i wouldnt so i didnt. after a while of being strong and fighting the dissosiciations i finally gave in and let it over come me. i ended up cutting very badly that night and it was the first time i tried to kill myself.

so fighting it doesnt work for me. being strong has only led to horrible things in my life. standing up for what i believe in gets me made a fool of or in trouble or hurt. i dont know how to stop this.

sorry to have wrote such a long message. if you skip down here and dont want to read the whole thing i am absoultely fine with that.

thanks for listening
Bri


PS - does anyone else suffer from this ailment?

[-Silence]

I've read about it, which I know is nothing like experiencing it first hand but it seemed tough to fight.

"The Luckiest Girl In The World" is a novel about an ice skater that has it and cuts to stay clear headed, to stay, you know in control.

CAN DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS BE CURED?

Yes. Dissociative Disorders are highly responsive to individual psychotherapy, or "talk therapy," as well as to a range of other treatment modalities, including medications, hypnotherapy, and adjunctive therapies such as art or movement therapy. In fact, among comparably severe psychiatric disorders, Dissociative Disorders may be the condition that carries the best prognosis if proper treatment is undertaken and completed. The course of treatment is longterm, intensive, and invariably painful, as it generally involves remembering and reclaiming the dissociated traumatic experiences. Nevertheless, individuals with Dissociative Disorders have been successfully treated by therapists of all professional backgrounds working in a variety of settings.

Something I found, so there is hope, you dont have to be like this your entire life. :D

Have you ever talk to your doctor about it?

Don't be sorry Bri, ever.
:hug:

[dying lullaby]

reading taht just made me cry heather, but good crying, i guess you could say tears of joy - although i've known about there being hope for a while now, noone has ever said it so flat out to me before.

and thankyou for saying that about not being sorry, your words have a profound effect on me.

thank you