Needed to get these thoughts out

[Sapphire]

Ok, lately I've been very, very angry. I don't mean that I've had lots of things to be justifiably angry about. I mean that even small things which normally wouldn't even bother me have sparked real anger in me. I'm even finding that I'm angrier for longer than normal. It's getting too much for me to be like this all of the time!

The anger is only broken up by the feeling of being so completely lost inside. It's a state of not knowing who I am at all, of not knowing what I want to be, of not knowing what I want out of life. I can't change my mind about what I'm doing for the next two and a half years because of the greif I would get. So even if I knew that I didn't want to do this and had an alternative in mind, I wouldn't be able to act on it. I'm caught in a current that I have no control over anymore.

I also frequently want to cry. The reason isn't obvious, at the time or with hindsight.

My nipples have started to hurt within the past few days too. This is making my boyfriend suspect a hormone imbalance and is urging me to go to see a doctor. A mutual friend has echoed his recommendation of going though seems to be less sure about the presence of a hormone imbalance. I do want to get this sorted, but I loathe going to the doctors with a passion. Even now I am getting a jittery feeling about it.

[Hyper]

Well I don't like going to doctors as well, but you should go, the sooner the better..

Wouldn't want to drive yourself and everyone around you crazy..

[Sapphire]

Everyone seems to agree on me going to the GP but they seem to have slightly different opinions lol.
I think I know why my nipples hurt so in my mind that is settled.
My counsellor has suggested anti-d's in addition to going about the abdominal pain I've been having. I have said to my bf that I will go on Thursday...oh God, am I dreading it!

[Hyper]

Lol you'll live! And perhaps get better :P

I don't like hospitals but... Its best to go just in case rather than stubbornly suffer.

[Sapphire]

I would rather be stubborn! I hate those places and would rather chop off a limb than go...that said, I can't back out of Thursday now...I am so terrifed!

Ugh, my ideal scenario would be to drink continously until this is all over and done with...For once I want to have a year without complicatins, unhappiness and anger.

[Sapphire]

I've given in. Going to see if can gett an appointment tomorrow.

[Atonement]

Thats brilliant. Not that something is up, but that you are giving in and getting help. As anyone that has ever gotten help for anger, self harm, ED's, etc. knows, the first step is going to check it out and gather information. So, good luck on that.