"Mascara Rivers"

[SingASadSong4408]

my friends and I are starting a band, and I was dubbed the main songwriter. But I need to know if what I have so far for this one song sounds good. its for guitar, and its kinda slow. Here it is :) :

Mascara Rivers:

you're holding onto yesterday's
goodbyes and songs you're afraid to say
yeah
you're feeling it
building up from the ground
they you're seeing it
cutting you down

then Mascara Rivers
feed the rain
fueling with your love
your anger and pain
you're drowning fast
and then
you realize them mascara rivers won again

you're holding your life
in a yellow rubber ball
cause a nutshell seems so damn plain
its too crowded with him though,
but now he's gone
you're alone again

then Mascara Rivers
feed the rain
fueling with your love
your anger and pain
you're drowning fast
and then
you realize them mascara rivers won again

you think you're going insand (going insane)
you need him like you need
the blood in your veins (blood in your veins)
you're breaking down
your feeling lost
you want him back
no matter what the cost

then Mascara Rivers
feed the rain
fueling with your love
your anger and pain
you're drowning fast
and then
you realize them mascara rivers won again

them mascara rivers
oh yeah
oh them mascara rivers
won again.




kk, so tell me what you think~ good,bad, I'll accept anything as logn as its feedback!

Thanks so Much!
Love Carlie

[rette_mich]

I like it for the most part.
It's a good piece of writing.
Maybe if it's a personal piece make it into a first person point of view with I instead of you.
Makes it seem more belonging to you I think.
But if it's not, then I'd leave it, it's good!

[BuryYourFlame]

excellent work xD

i can just imagine this being a top 10 song ^_^

[Destiny&Desire]

Wow, I can think of a tune or two which would sound good with that =]

For some reason I think it would sound good if it wasn't too quick, but wasn't too slow either, but that's just my opinion.

The lyrics are really good though, very imaginative =]
x x x