Buggahh
February 15th, 2009, 10:20 PM
Okay so my dads disabled with spinal muscular atrophy which is a muscle wasting disease and to me that is okay, I mean if somebody asked me if I would like to have an able bodied dad for the day I wouldn't accept. He's my dad who just happens to be disabled, has been all my life why should that change now?
Yeah when I was younger I used to wonder what it would be like to have my Dad come on the rollercoasters with me, but I never wished he wasn't disabled. I admire his strength and ability to carry on, through everything, but I guess he always knew that his condition would get worse, I've never really spoken to him about it. It's not like he's just suddenly been told that he will never walk again.
Although sometimes it's frustrating I mean, I care for him when I am living with him or staying at his house, and I feel guilty for leaving my brother there cooking and cleaning every day, they don't always have proper meals, I mean you know what boys are like (no offence). So then at the weekends when I am there I take it upon myself to cook a meal for four people, usually is a roast for my brother, his fiancee and my dad. And then I do all the washing up, and it stresses me out, although the stress of it has been alot worse, I have wanted to say, put another load of washing in the machine and then been distracted, so stayed up late in to the night to make sure it was done.
He always used to get bullied, and called names like cripple and spastic and he got the nickname will after world cup willy the england mascot thing because he couldnt play football. Why do people have to bully other people, because they are different, why cant people accept the fact that everyone is different, there is no such thing as normal and stereotypes don't exsist. Maybe people should be taught about each disability or maybe when someone in a school has the disability they should be taught about it, learn more about it so that it can be accepted. Why can't people get taught about the black white and rainbow sheep and the way that the rainbow sheep is the one to be. He had speech problems too sausages would come out as hosages or losages so he missed lots of school because for weeks on end he would have to go to speech therapy, for most of the day, meaning he could only go into school for one lesson a day. So an obvious gap in his education arose. He was dyslexic too.
Then when he was much older, (well not much older, but still older than he was I guess) my dad met my mum and they got on really well. They started a relationship and were working together (whether this was while they were together I am not sure), maybe they were moving too fast, I don't know.
Apparantly my mums parents never really seemed to like my dad and would leave him out of things and ask him to run my aunt around everywhere; she'd have piles and piles of food but my dad was never told why. Then when my mum and dad were engaged her parents asked her if she was sure this was what she wanted. Maybe they were trying to protect her, warn her of what the future would hold, or maybe they just never liked my dad :/.They told her how his condition would get worse and how she would end up caring for him.
Not long after they were married my brother was born. They lived in a mobile home and my dad would be working all the time. When my brother turned two my dad was made redundant due to his disability, upsetting really, maybe things wouldn't have gotten the way that they did, but it happened, and i guess i should accept that, but i cant help thinking what if, wishing that things were different.
My mum fell pregnant again but miscarried accusing my dad of not caring, just because he didn't show his emotion as much as she did, it was killing him inside. My mum got told that he was a boy by a median, it would have been amazing to have two big brothers but maybe if he was born I wouldn't have been and I often end up feeling guilty that he had to die to make room for me, I mean I know that at the time noone knew that I was going to be born, but I just know that it's my fault, and in an odd way I miss him, how can you miss someone who was never born?
Not long after my sister was born and still everything was okay, until that is, of course; four years later when I was born, unplanned. My mum told me she didn't want me however this was a lot later on but now when i bring it up she always says she did want me and that somebody else in the family was worried about the money issues and stuff and asked if my parents had thought about having me terminated, my mum claims that she walked out and my dad followed, however my dad says that the person didn't mean it in the way in which my mum took it, but it has still left me to have doubts in not only my mother for waiting approximately a year after telling me that they didn't want me before she brings up this other person, but I now have doubts in all of my family members. We moved house, but at the time, it was still being built, and we have suspicions that my asthma was brought on by the dust from living in an unfinished house. My mum was a horder she kept hold of everything, everywhere was a mess stuff was all over the floor stacked right up to the cieling, it was damp, we had no central heating for a good two years, we had to turn sideways to walk through the lower floor, often having nowhere to sit because there would be boxes on the seats, we never had any friends round... it was awful.
I resent the way the house was, and now living at my mums in a two bedroom house with two other women (one transgendered) that is really only made for one person with a spare bedroom, the house is getting pretty much the same as the way it used to be.
As i was growing up my dad would force feed me, everyone would argue. Ny dad would try hitting me saying behave or say hello to mr smack. He once hit my sister across the knee with his walking stick and threw a knife at my brother. My mum was violent too and they both grew apart. I don't blame my dad one bit, there wasn't really anything he could do, he wasn't in control of his own house, he was depressed and barely got to socialise, I can see how all of this resorted in him being violent.
My dad would have to stay with me while we were shopping because my mum would neglect me, concentrating on my sister and how she looked and what she wore. She used to tell me that what i liked was horrible or that i was too fat to wear it. It was like my sister was the golden girl.
One night i remember there being a huge arguement between my dad, nan, grandad and aunt. Things just kept getting worse and then one year on new years even my dad fell down the stairs and cracked his head open. He hasn't been able to get upstairs since; so my mum and dad would sleep downstairs-although every morning they would have to move the boxes back onto the seats but my mum would often still be asleep on the sofa when i came downstairs. Life carried on like this for years. Both of my nans had hit me too.
My dad broke his ankle and my mum had an affair with a family friend; someone whos transgendered. There were so many rumours about this, about me saying that my mum was transgendered and my dad even had suspicions that his then wife was going to have a sex change.
I got told it was my fault; that if i wasnt born that my mum would of left and everything would be okay. My dad self harmed i wanted to go home with him but he wouldnt let me and then i got home and had to clear up his cuts and wipe his tears while he cried. I watched him try to sleep. And saw him try and kill himself twice, one of the times I was upset and said something along the lines of you always threaten you will kill yourself and never do and at that moment he took 220 tablets within ten minutes. Earlier that evening he had taken a few tablets and i phoned the ambulance and he refused to go with them. The police said they would phone my aunt so that she could talk to him, we asked them to make sure that she wouldn't come round but she did and she started pushing my sister about, her partner had previously pushed me up against a fridge when drunk so i stepped in trying to protect my sister, she still carried on although my dad was telling her to stop. I went to the hopsital with him the second time. Sometimes i wonder why my brother and sister didnt go with him i was the youngest but i had to go with him with a family friend, i stayed at the hospital all night and cleaned up the blood that was running down his arm where he bled when they put the thing in his arm. The porter gave me a teddy. I went back to the hopsital with someone else and we were right by the cubical that my dad was in it bought all the memories flooding back. For the past six years, my nan has been in and out of hospital and we have been told that she might die on the operating table. I have been bullied all of my life, been treated badly in relationships, lost my best friend to suicide and my boyfriend to murder. I always try to look out for my friends and solve their problems, put a fake smile on, but I have never had any help.
I have a confused sexuality I have kissed people of both genders and now have an amazing girlfriend, however i am in love with her even though i have not met her and have only met her four days, please dont comment on this, just on how i can ensure that we will last, i have a good feeling about me and her shes so amazing, but in the back of my mind thoughts of what if im not good enough, what if someone tries to hurt me when im with her or what if the muggers try to hurt her, what if she changes her mind about me, im scared of losing her already and it has only been three days.
I got told that I couldnt have counselling because i didnt have an eating disorder although i went for days on end without eating, and try to make myself sick however people dont know about that, and because im not pscizerfrenic. I hate the way i look and i dont take compliments well.
I missed over a year of school due to bullying, illness and lack of support and protection through the school, i am now in a new school but havent done a full week in half a term because i am already being intimerdated, we tried home schooling, i am scared to make friends because when they find out about my life they will bully me and no longer want to know me. I cant just blurt it all out to people.
There are still people talking about how my mum tried to make a pass at them when my mum and dad havent been together for two years.
I know that i will never be good enough and never succeed so why am i even bothering, yeah im kind of happy at the moment but how long will that last, there is so much more i could be writing here but i am currently in tears and i already think that this post is long enough....
Thank you for just letting me say this.. i guess it was important for me to finally get out my thoughts about it all... why did they choose me eh? why did they think i could cope? I'm only fourteen and its been going on for years, is it not my chance for some happiness...
Okay so now,things have gotten complicated with my girlfriend i always knew about the other guy but.. i guess i just thought, shed get over him fall out of love with him she keeps saying she loves me and that its a different kind of love and all this :/ im so stuck i cant loose her but maybe she just needs to forget about things i mean she wasnt confused before i came along
Yeah when I was younger I used to wonder what it would be like to have my Dad come on the rollercoasters with me, but I never wished he wasn't disabled. I admire his strength and ability to carry on, through everything, but I guess he always knew that his condition would get worse, I've never really spoken to him about it. It's not like he's just suddenly been told that he will never walk again.
Although sometimes it's frustrating I mean, I care for him when I am living with him or staying at his house, and I feel guilty for leaving my brother there cooking and cleaning every day, they don't always have proper meals, I mean you know what boys are like (no offence). So then at the weekends when I am there I take it upon myself to cook a meal for four people, usually is a roast for my brother, his fiancee and my dad. And then I do all the washing up, and it stresses me out, although the stress of it has been alot worse, I have wanted to say, put another load of washing in the machine and then been distracted, so stayed up late in to the night to make sure it was done.
He always used to get bullied, and called names like cripple and spastic and he got the nickname will after world cup willy the england mascot thing because he couldnt play football. Why do people have to bully other people, because they are different, why cant people accept the fact that everyone is different, there is no such thing as normal and stereotypes don't exsist. Maybe people should be taught about each disability or maybe when someone in a school has the disability they should be taught about it, learn more about it so that it can be accepted. Why can't people get taught about the black white and rainbow sheep and the way that the rainbow sheep is the one to be. He had speech problems too sausages would come out as hosages or losages so he missed lots of school because for weeks on end he would have to go to speech therapy, for most of the day, meaning he could only go into school for one lesson a day. So an obvious gap in his education arose. He was dyslexic too.
Then when he was much older, (well not much older, but still older than he was I guess) my dad met my mum and they got on really well. They started a relationship and were working together (whether this was while they were together I am not sure), maybe they were moving too fast, I don't know.
Apparantly my mums parents never really seemed to like my dad and would leave him out of things and ask him to run my aunt around everywhere; she'd have piles and piles of food but my dad was never told why. Then when my mum and dad were engaged her parents asked her if she was sure this was what she wanted. Maybe they were trying to protect her, warn her of what the future would hold, or maybe they just never liked my dad :/.They told her how his condition would get worse and how she would end up caring for him.
Not long after they were married my brother was born. They lived in a mobile home and my dad would be working all the time. When my brother turned two my dad was made redundant due to his disability, upsetting really, maybe things wouldn't have gotten the way that they did, but it happened, and i guess i should accept that, but i cant help thinking what if, wishing that things were different.
My mum fell pregnant again but miscarried accusing my dad of not caring, just because he didn't show his emotion as much as she did, it was killing him inside. My mum got told that he was a boy by a median, it would have been amazing to have two big brothers but maybe if he was born I wouldn't have been and I often end up feeling guilty that he had to die to make room for me, I mean I know that at the time noone knew that I was going to be born, but I just know that it's my fault, and in an odd way I miss him, how can you miss someone who was never born?
Not long after my sister was born and still everything was okay, until that is, of course; four years later when I was born, unplanned. My mum told me she didn't want me however this was a lot later on but now when i bring it up she always says she did want me and that somebody else in the family was worried about the money issues and stuff and asked if my parents had thought about having me terminated, my mum claims that she walked out and my dad followed, however my dad says that the person didn't mean it in the way in which my mum took it, but it has still left me to have doubts in not only my mother for waiting approximately a year after telling me that they didn't want me before she brings up this other person, but I now have doubts in all of my family members. We moved house, but at the time, it was still being built, and we have suspicions that my asthma was brought on by the dust from living in an unfinished house. My mum was a horder she kept hold of everything, everywhere was a mess stuff was all over the floor stacked right up to the cieling, it was damp, we had no central heating for a good two years, we had to turn sideways to walk through the lower floor, often having nowhere to sit because there would be boxes on the seats, we never had any friends round... it was awful.
I resent the way the house was, and now living at my mums in a two bedroom house with two other women (one transgendered) that is really only made for one person with a spare bedroom, the house is getting pretty much the same as the way it used to be.
As i was growing up my dad would force feed me, everyone would argue. Ny dad would try hitting me saying behave or say hello to mr smack. He once hit my sister across the knee with his walking stick and threw a knife at my brother. My mum was violent too and they both grew apart. I don't blame my dad one bit, there wasn't really anything he could do, he wasn't in control of his own house, he was depressed and barely got to socialise, I can see how all of this resorted in him being violent.
My dad would have to stay with me while we were shopping because my mum would neglect me, concentrating on my sister and how she looked and what she wore. She used to tell me that what i liked was horrible or that i was too fat to wear it. It was like my sister was the golden girl.
One night i remember there being a huge arguement between my dad, nan, grandad and aunt. Things just kept getting worse and then one year on new years even my dad fell down the stairs and cracked his head open. He hasn't been able to get upstairs since; so my mum and dad would sleep downstairs-although every morning they would have to move the boxes back onto the seats but my mum would often still be asleep on the sofa when i came downstairs. Life carried on like this for years. Both of my nans had hit me too.
My dad broke his ankle and my mum had an affair with a family friend; someone whos transgendered. There were so many rumours about this, about me saying that my mum was transgendered and my dad even had suspicions that his then wife was going to have a sex change.
I got told it was my fault; that if i wasnt born that my mum would of left and everything would be okay. My dad self harmed i wanted to go home with him but he wouldnt let me and then i got home and had to clear up his cuts and wipe his tears while he cried. I watched him try to sleep. And saw him try and kill himself twice, one of the times I was upset and said something along the lines of you always threaten you will kill yourself and never do and at that moment he took 220 tablets within ten minutes. Earlier that evening he had taken a few tablets and i phoned the ambulance and he refused to go with them. The police said they would phone my aunt so that she could talk to him, we asked them to make sure that she wouldn't come round but she did and she started pushing my sister about, her partner had previously pushed me up against a fridge when drunk so i stepped in trying to protect my sister, she still carried on although my dad was telling her to stop. I went to the hopsital with him the second time. Sometimes i wonder why my brother and sister didnt go with him i was the youngest but i had to go with him with a family friend, i stayed at the hospital all night and cleaned up the blood that was running down his arm where he bled when they put the thing in his arm. The porter gave me a teddy. I went back to the hopsital with someone else and we were right by the cubical that my dad was in it bought all the memories flooding back. For the past six years, my nan has been in and out of hospital and we have been told that she might die on the operating table. I have been bullied all of my life, been treated badly in relationships, lost my best friend to suicide and my boyfriend to murder. I always try to look out for my friends and solve their problems, put a fake smile on, but I have never had any help.
I have a confused sexuality I have kissed people of both genders and now have an amazing girlfriend, however i am in love with her even though i have not met her and have only met her four days, please dont comment on this, just on how i can ensure that we will last, i have a good feeling about me and her shes so amazing, but in the back of my mind thoughts of what if im not good enough, what if someone tries to hurt me when im with her or what if the muggers try to hurt her, what if she changes her mind about me, im scared of losing her already and it has only been three days.
I got told that I couldnt have counselling because i didnt have an eating disorder although i went for days on end without eating, and try to make myself sick however people dont know about that, and because im not pscizerfrenic. I hate the way i look and i dont take compliments well.
I missed over a year of school due to bullying, illness and lack of support and protection through the school, i am now in a new school but havent done a full week in half a term because i am already being intimerdated, we tried home schooling, i am scared to make friends because when they find out about my life they will bully me and no longer want to know me. I cant just blurt it all out to people.
There are still people talking about how my mum tried to make a pass at them when my mum and dad havent been together for two years.
I know that i will never be good enough and never succeed so why am i even bothering, yeah im kind of happy at the moment but how long will that last, there is so much more i could be writing here but i am currently in tears and i already think that this post is long enough....
Thank you for just letting me say this.. i guess it was important for me to finally get out my thoughts about it all... why did they choose me eh? why did they think i could cope? I'm only fourteen and its been going on for years, is it not my chance for some happiness...
Okay so now,things have gotten complicated with my girlfriend i always knew about the other guy but.. i guess i just thought, shed get over him fall out of love with him she keeps saying she loves me and that its a different kind of love and all this :/ im so stuck i cant loose her but maybe she just needs to forget about things i mean she wasnt confused before i came along