Continuing to fight

[nachtspiegel]

I went to therapy today for the first time since Jan. 8th. My session lasted for an hour. First, we talked about my sister's kidney failure, and then I confessed fleeting thoughts of suicide. I had to undergo a risk assessment before I was allowed to leave. If I miss next Monday's appointment, my therapist, with the help of social services, will take a mental inquest warrant out on me. I feel like I need to be re-hospitalized, but there is too much going on for me to leave. My sister left her abusive boyfriend and brought my niece to live here at my mom's. The three of us are moving out in March or April. It really hit me the other night how sick my sister really is. The thought of her death alone is enough to send me barreling over the edge, and I know that if she does die anytime soon, I am going to be a train wreck headed for hell. Cutting isn't enough anymore. I need a deeper self-destructive satisfaction, and the length I am willing to go to achieve these ends gets greater all the time. I'm constantly fighting bouts of anxiety and I have been very prone to outbursts of anger and aggression. I send my dad running to his room because he got rude with me (in a drunk state) and I threatened to beat him down then preceded to go after him, despite the fact that he is terminally ill, and if I were to punch him, he probably wouldn't get back up. My mom and I have been fighting all the time, and recently, she's been very emotional. She's very prone to burst into tears and I walked in a few days ago to find her in the middle of a mental breakdown. It seems like everyone I draw to is either emotionally unavailable, terminally ill and dying, or unable to get the message I am trying to send (and I don't want to push the issue.) I don't think there's anything that anyone could say to change my mind about the course I'm taking, but I wanted to rant. I'm considering writing this all in the journal I just started keeping. I am taking it one day at a time.

[Mrawesome]

You shouldn't ever think of suicide just think of all of the people that you would make sad

[byee]

David, I'm not so sure going in patient for a while is a bad idea. Sometimes, you need a time out, maybe this is it.

The larger issue is to come up with a longer term strategy to address the chronicity and severity of all those issues in yoru life. They're (Unfortunately) going to be around for a while, and you'd do well to spend sometime working on a plan to cope with them as you address them in therapy. That way, when something happens, you have a ready made strategy to address it. Maybe you can do that as a part of you hospital stay, develop a plan to deal with all this.

[bliss]

take it just one step at a time, I hate when people say "think of everyone you'll be hurting" because, hello0o we've been hurting for us to get to this point. Think about the things in life you do appreciate, even if its something small and has nothing to do with your family. This is your time to just think about you and who you want to be, who you want to let yourself be.

[nachtspiegel]

Inpatient treatment is pretty much out of the question right now. I found out that the mental health agency that I go through has a three day program, but I'm not sure that I'd be eligible, and I don't want to get myself into a predicament by asking. My psychiatrist (who is a jackass) put me on Zoloft today. I am not a doctor, but I am insightful enough to know that I do not need an anti-depressant... I'm having a problem with manic episodes and I need a mood stabilizer. He didn't listen, and it was much like talking to a brick wall. I'm going to try the Zoloft anyway, but if it doesn't work, either he switches the medication or I'll get another psychologist. Today has been long and tiring, and I'll post more later.

[Atonement]

Honestly, you know my thoughts on the matter. All of them really. But as for the suicide and such, just remember that no matter what, all of us are always here no matter how minute that may seem. :daisy:

[nachtspiegel]

I know. :) This place is, literally, my life saver. I'm just so tired of being a screw up. Yes, I understand that abuse and trauma lead to negative affects, but I know other people that were abused that aren't completely wound-up basket cases. I am the only one in my family that is as wound up as I am. I feel like everyone is counting on me to fail for good because I will be out of their hair. I feel an inner sense of peace when I picture myself falling off of a bridge. I liken it to a death for a good purpose that you see in a heart-throbbing movie. It's not that I don't have the nerve to follow through with it; it's that I don't have the nerve to leave certain people behind at this point. Secretly, part of the reason I want my sister to get better is so that she can live without my help so that I can go on and end my life.

[byee]

David, you know, I'm a bit concerned here. Ok, Ok, more than a bit concerned. Your story, your feelings, that avatar, this isn't a good thing. What needs to happen to pull you out of this? What concrete things need to happen for you to grab hold of yourself and begin to see things form a diff perspective and with some hope? I'm concerned if you stay in this state for too long. You need an active plan for the short term to address this feeling of desperation and utter dispair you so vividly convey (and experience).

People survive horrible things, like abuse. They deal with them and cope with them and manage them and get over them. But, they need a plan, they need to believe that it's temproary, and perhaps most of all, they need to want to get thru it, to get to that better place. You have to believe in yourself and pull yourself out of this.

I can understand why your doc thinks you're depressed, you certainly convey that sense pretty vividly, and have many (if not most) of the cinical symptoms of depression, hence the Prozac. I'm glad you're willing to give it a try, it could really help. If, however, you do have a mood disorder, the Prozac will exacerbate it pretty quickly, you'll feel dramatically worse, the feelings will intensify. So, in a way, your reaction to the Prozac will help differentiate the diagnosis, and allow the doctor to more precisely tailor the treatment to you.

Hang in there, It's a process, David, you're on your way, the best is yet to come, there's a lot of good life ahead of you.

[nachtspiegel]

I'm honestly not sure if anything can pull me out of it. Since I was about eight, I had this state of mind that I wasn't really supposed to live that long. I never really got past that, and that's why everything is temporary for me. Death doesn't scare me, and quite frankly, I truly feel that I wasn't meant to live that long, even if that meant bringing myself to my own end. I feel like I am wasting my time and everyone else's by fighting back with therapy and medication. I feel like a cancer patient that is too far gone and faces close, certain death. I don't have a way to make a plan. At the moment, I don't have a plan, and I don't foresee that happening in the near future, but I've tried suicide four times and they never were planned from a previous long-term point of view. I tried for the first time at age 12, and my fourth and most recent attempt was in May. It would seriously be easier to stop trying to fight back. My therapist wouldn't be bothered by having to have sessions with me, my psychiatrist wouldn't have to write the scripts or waste his time figuring out what makes my mind tick. My mom wouldn't have to deal with the dilemma of mental treatment. I feel like a played out song that's near it's end. I'm really not sure how to take anything or perceive anything. I take life and live life as if it's going to be in front of me for a while, but I can't help but feel like it won't be.

Edit: My older sister was standing behind me the entire time I was typing this. Oh God...

[byee]

David, let's start with some easy things, OK? First, get rid of that awful avatar. Then, start typing in the larger font that the rest of use. These might seem overly simplistic, but they're easy to do immediately, and they'll put you one step back in the mainstream. You need that, to feel like you are 'a part' of humanity, not 'apart' from us. I'm serious here, do it.

Then, you need to take very small steps, again, reinforcing your humanity. Take a walk in the morning, watch the sunset, feed the birds in the park. basic things to help you reestablish your connection to the living. You've been too detached for too long. I'm serious here, too. Do it.

Whatever you've been thru has really traumatized you, and it's like you're still suffering from that trauma, it's like it's ongoing for you. You need to find a way to keep it in the past, to reassure yourself that you're safe and that you've moved on. You nedd some very concrete, simple aways to do that, like rejoining the living and finding a way to share in our common humanity.

It will get better, and you have to want that, you have to see things as they are currently, rather than reliving the nightmare that is over, but that you still cannot accept or believe it as such.

It's a process, David, helping yourself and letting others help you. Sometimes it takes longer than we want, but in the end, it can get better.

[nachtspiegel]

I have the avatar that I do because it's colorful, and, in my opinion, artistic. I write in small print with larger posts because I don't like taking up space; when it's a short post, regular size font suits me just fine. I don't really understand why, exactly, I'm so wound up. I could name so many instances with other people that I know, but none of them are as wound up as I am. My therapist refers to dealing with the past as a jar, and the trauma as it's contents that I have full control over. There are a few steps that I'd have to take to be able to move forward that I will probably never be able to. Currently, things aren't exactly in the clear, either, and that's another huge problem.
I (finally) saw my psychiatrist for the first time on Tuesday. This is the third one that I've had, and I hate him. He didn't listen to a word I had to say. Talking to him would be like talking to a brick wall, except I don't want to destroy the brick wall when I look at it. He put me on Zoloft and I'm so sick right now it isn't funny. I'm not sick as in having a head cold, I'm sick as in constant dizziness and severe nausea. I got sick about fifteen times today and I'm still light headed. I've been taken off of the Zoloft and I have to go see him again Tuesday. He said "this medication could cause you to have a manic episode" as if you could liken it to playing patty cake. It pisses me off when psych workers do not take the time to listen.

[byee]

David, there are a few issues here. First, your psychiatrist is a medicine expert, not a therapist. He's not supposed to listen to you, he's supposed to find out how you're doing and while listening, figure out which meds might help. It's very diff from therapy, don't expect a psychiatrist to be a psychologist. Work with him soley around meds, keep the convo tight to that topic.

You can have all kinds of justifications for a lot of things, like that dreadful avatar, as well as your choice of font, but the bottom line is that in order to get better you have to start somewhere, and I really do like the idea of you rejoining humanity. If you're serious about wanting to stop the pain, you, too, will have to start somewhere,too, and changing the avatar of someone blowing their brains out with a pistol seems like a good place to start. And the font, too. I'm not sure what it is you're resisting (or justifying), but in order to change the way you feel, you'll need to change some things.

You have to commit to wanting to be better, and then taking the steps to get there. It's the small ones that are the easiest, and those are the ones that you start with. The goal is feeling better, not justifying your present condition.

[nachtspiegel]

I didn't mean listen to my personal problems. I didn't really discuss any of that with him, and I know that isn't his purpose. He just didn't listen to more than maybe three of the symptoms that he inquired about and I described. It's like he decided to focus on the things that I primarily identified as being the least difficult to deal with, and only worry about those, as if that makes his job easier. I figure that it could just be the inevitable awkward phase that you go through with any health worker that you're not familiar with, so that's why I'm not going to be quick to chalk him off. I see him again Tuesday, and hopefully, we form a bit of a better understanding. I'm not looking to switch psychiatrists for two reasons .. 1) I haven't been working with this one long enough to make that call, and 2) Even if I did and wanted to, it'd be several months before I could get in to see anyone else.
He pretty much said, without saying, that because I haven't tried to kill myself since May, it must obviously mean that I don't have any manic episodes. The thing that irked me most is that, when he'd prompt me to speak about something, I'd start to talk and then he'd cut me off mid-sentence. It's a little frustrating, but, at least, at this very moment, I'm trying to be as positive as I can be and I'm trying to take it one step at a time.
I'm not really trying to resist anything: I just figure that the avatar and the font size are more of a personal choice than a relation to humanity. I will, however, change the avatar. I can find something else that's colorful that doesn't display a guy blowing his brain out. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you're getting a tad aggravated with me for not seeing this the exact same way that you do.

[Triceratops]

David, I'm not so sure going in patient for a while is a bad idea. Sometimes, you need a time out, maybe this is it.

I agree.
Maybe taking each day is it comes is getting too much.

[nachtspiegel]

That's what I was thinking last night - I told my friend that, when I went to see the psychiatrist this afternoon that I was going to ask to be committed because I don't want to end up hurting myself or someone else, but this morning, I felt completely fine and went in as normal without mentioning any of this. I am now on Lexapro, 20mg every morning. I'll be starting it as soon as I can get it (my sister is dropping off the script in a few minutes and I have to go tomorrow afternoon and get it, so I'll be starting it Thursday morning.) From the way he was talking - and from what I've heard about it - it either works really well or it causes some bad repercussions, but there isn't much middle ground. I'm feeling better today, so I'm going to get rid of the Zoloft so that it's not around for my temptations and I'm going to cross my fingers and hope this works. He is still looking to use an anti-depressant as opposed to a mood stabilizer, and if this one doesn't work, he's looking into either prescribing Prozac or Paxil.
On the flip side, he was a lot different today - I felt comfortable around him.
For the moment, I'm chalking off that first session to him having a bad day.