Constructive critisim?

[ShatteredWings]

*through the light she shines*
See
Her
Slowly

See that
decent
into
madness

Quietly it all begins
Starting
with her first
Release
Of redhot tears

What’s done is done, and she can’t go back
To what she was
In days past

She was “normal and carefree”
To everyone else
But it was never normality
She can’t be
Ever

They all saw
They all saw
A perfect child
A perfect child
loving, smart
kind, sweet
perfect
perfect
never
always
crying inside

Please kill her
Don’t let this go
At least, if you want
help her
comfort her
don’t let her
don’t let that girl touch that. And
die
please live on
Through this, light
shines

This life is a lie, but I try to make it a truth that I’m here.

--------------------------------------------------------------


*Fly up towards the sky*

Falling up
Falling down
Falling forward
Falling back

one, three, two, four
up
forward
good
down
back
bad

kill the end
let live
not die

not fall back
fly forward
fly up
towards the sky

Weights on
Weights off
Underwater
Flying in the sky

one, four, two, three
free
trapped
crying
joy

lift the weight
let fly
not drown

life the life
let go
fly up
towards the sky

------------------------------------------------------
When i was writing these, i had two colored pens. one red, one black.. Meh, i think the color adds to some organization.
if anyone wants to help with some constructive things, i'd love it, however, don't point out that i suck :P




[i wrote both through the light she shines, and fly up towards the sky about a week ago...]

[Stark]

It's alright.

[BuryYourFlame]

hmmm, i like the stucture of the first one, but the second one just seems like it has no real direction, especially in the 2nd verse. If this is how u wanted it to be than thats good, but if you didn't really want it like that, im just pointing that out

I dont intend this as outright critisism, but constructive critisism,

Dec

[ShatteredWings]

Hm, i actually thought the first one was more irratic. Any sugestions on how to fix that?

[BuryYourFlame]

hhmmm, fix? really?r u sure u wanna do that, maybe it is just me but i get pretty sensitive about changing poems that ive written. I dont know how you could fix it, all i can do is tell you what made it sound like that...it was the one word lines esp. verses 2 and 6

[Destiny&Desire]

The first one seems like a song (if it's meant to be then sorry I'm just stating that lol)

The second one, as I think Decman mentioned, is slightly mixed up with no real direction. If that's the idea then it's good, but you should try and make it more clear as to where it's going

(sorry if this is of absolutely no use to you XD)
x x x