I'm not sure what to do

[Talia]

Basically, the relationship with me and my dad is not good or close or whatever you'd like to call it... I live with him and my grandma in her condo, I've lived here since I was about 1 so it's all I know. I see my mom sometimes; and lately we have been getting together more. But anyway, straying from the point. I just can't talk to my dad, about anything, at all. It's like a mental thing or something. When he talks to me it's an effort sometimes just to open my mouth and respond to him. He's told me before that I can talk to him about anything, but really, I can't. Especially when it's about stuff that's not trivial. When he talks to me in a certain tone, even if he thinks he's just using it to get his point across and not to be threatening, it makes me want to cry because I feel like I'm always being yelled at. And now, sometimes it makes me feel that way if other adults use the same tone with me... including teachers.

Like just now he used that tone with me about going to one of his friend's houses. He used to take me there all the time and I'd play with their son, but he's like half my age now... and I'm older than I was then so it's definitely not the same. And he told me if I didn't want to go to tell him and he wouldn't make plans for me to go over there anymore. And sure, that sounds fine and all, but I can't get it in me to actually say that I don't want to go anymore. And he sounded angry to me when he said it... he always sounds angry... Also when he said that, in my head I was thinking 'since when am I allowed to choose for myself where I am and am not going to go,' because since I can remember plans have always been made for me, not with me, even now.

You would think that since I've grown up with him as the only parent in my life I would be closer to him, but I definitely don't see that. I guess on the inside I still feel like a little kid who can't do anything against what he says. I get really upset after stuff like that with him; usually I get mad and then I end up crying. I'm also a little bit scared of what he'd do if I did try and be "rebellious" or whatever... I used to get spanked like in kindergarten cause I had bad behavior, and other times he would hit me for something I did wrong (closer to the age I am now) but never to like an abusive level, just normal punishment things. It's been like a year since the last time he did hit me, but I still have a little bit of the expectation that he will again. I've never argued with him, I guess cause of this. But sometimes I feel like blatantly doing something wrong in order to challenge him to hit me. It can't be normal to want to be hit... I imagine myself hitting him back sometimes and getting into a fight but I really doubt I would ever do that. I'm just sort of waiting to turn 18 and go to college so I can move out and try and cut him out of my life...

Eh.. this is ramble-y.

Is there any advise to what I can or should do till then? I seriously do not feel comfortable when he's around, I don't even do my homework if he's home. I wish I could make our relationship at least more like a father-daughter one should be but I can't...

[Mzor203]

Hmm... this seems like a bit of a difficult situation for you, but I have a few suggestions.

First of all, I'm no psychologist but it seems to me that maybe your mind is associating the tone he uses to address you with being hit/spanked since that was what used to happen when you were younger. There may be no way to just convince yourself that you aren't going to be hit, but maybe you should start getting more used to your dad instead of just waiting for the problem to end when you move out.

To start building a bridge between you and your dad, you need to set out the foundation, which would be building more of a sense of comfort around him. This could be as simple as just making sure to say "Hi" to him every morning, or whenever you see him. Make conversation when you're eating dinner, maybe, or at another time. You don't have to do anything that makes you extremely uncomfortable, just do little things that will lead the way to a larger bond between you two.

Once you start feeling more comfortable, you should start reaching out to him more. Do things like ask for help with homework, maybe, if there's ever anything you think he could assist you with. Just do more things together if you possibly can.

Cutting him out of your life really isn't something you should want. He's a parent, and is part of your family. Your family is something that you should always cherish, and all that ignoring members of it will lead to is internal trouble. So I advise against it.

Now, there is a couple suggestions for how you could make things better between you two. Really, all it takes is trying. Now, the other part of this is, you always feel like plans have been made for you, things have been done for you, etc. This is something that could be potentially dangerous when you're out in the real world. Having no sense of initiative could lead to problems including a highly unsocial life (Excuse my hypocracy), sometimes not knowing what you're supposed to do, or feel like you're overwhelmed by the decisions and choices you will have to make when living on your own. Being able to take control of your own life is something you will need to learn how to do, and it's best to start BEFORE you actually need it and it becomes really important.

This means you've got to start arranging things for yourself. It's fine if once in a while your dad has made plans and you want to go along with them, but always make sure that you have your own things you are doing and setting up yourself. That is extremely important, it will teahc you some of the skills you will be needing when you're out there on your own.

Now, the last thing. You say that sometimes you just feel like doing something wrong so your father will hit you. Not a good idea, especially if you want to build a bond between you two. You're probably feeling like this because it feels familiar to you, it's something you're expecting. But I think you need to just let go and forget about these feelings. They aren't feelings that are going to help you in any way. However, doing things that are slightly 'rebellious' in a sense might not be the absolute worst idea. Not only will it give you more of a sense of freedom, it might help you feel like you're starting to take over some of thedecisions you make in your life. A little more freedom and less restraint might be good for you, and it would help you break away from the feeling of having everything done for you. Just make sure it isn't something that puts you on bad terms with your father.

I wish you luck in this. Tension between family members is a horrible thing. Family should be there to support and love one another, and I wish you and your father were more like that. But maybe this will turn out well and you'll be able to build more of a bond. Just keep your head up. :)

[byee]

Well, there's lots of reasons why this might be going on. Unless your dad really intimidated you as a little kid, it doesnl' necessarily sound like you're reacting to some rememberance of those events. Usually, there's some sense of anxiety/panic/dread when that happens, there's a behavioral response (withdrawal) accompanied by some emotional one, too (like anxiety). You just sound detached from him.

You didn't say why your mom isn't around, or what the realtionshiop is/was like. Nor did you mention anything about the quality of the nurturing you get from your grandmother. Those might be imoortant variables here, attachment/detachment often results from the quality of nurturing you've had, esp. from mom (or the mom substitute). It could just be that your dad's masculine style with you just misses the target for you, it doesn't 'feel' warm and loving and nurturing the way a mom's does.

Cure? Recognize that your dad isn't really doing anything, but rather, it might be what he's NOT doing. And help to see that and learn it. Men/dads can be 'softer', but it's not always natural for them. But, if he's inviting you to 'tell him anything', you might go ahead and do that.

[nick]

What's condo?

[Talia]

A condo is a condominium. It's like an apartment but bigger, and you don't pay rent, you own it like a house once you've payed for it. Ours has 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a living room, kitchen, all that.

My mom isn't around that much because they had me when they were 17. I guess they tried to stay together for a little while but they split up when I was 1. I don't know if my dad has actual "custody" of me or not. I dunno how to describe the relationship with my grandma really... She's been my real care provider. As far as I know she's paid for all of my school, and she's the one who takes me shopping for clothes (though I'm not the shopping type). I feel more comfortable talking to her about daily things than my dad, though I still wouldn't talk about more personal things that much. I do agree that I'm kinda detached, from everyone in my family really. Only my grandma and my aunt-- my dad's sister-- are the ones who I would say I feel the closest to of my whole family (and my aunt lives up on the other side of california), but I'm still not that close.

Sometimes me and my dad do do things together. But it's like... I dunno. It feels like he has two parts, there's the part that's kinda silly and watches TV with me late at night and has random conversations. Then there's the strict one that always seems bothered by something and I have trouble even talking about what I had for dinner with. And when he's the first one; more loose and stuff, I feel more comfortable and can kinda be myself with him. But when he's the other one, which he is most of the time, I really just can't... can't. I just close up and try to be quiet. Sometimes I don't even want to make eye contact with him. I'm gonna start rambling again so... I have asked him for help with homework before. The times I do remember didn't go well. Once when I was little he got mad at me because I was using my fingers to help count in math. Because I kept doing it he slapped me. (I still use my fingers to keep track of bigger numbers in math, I don't get the big deal...) Another time when I was 14 I think, I asked him to help me study for french since he got a masters in french. He kept getting upset with me that I wasn't pronouncing the words properly, and if he's upset it makes me not want to talk, and when you're studying a language, that doesn't exactly help. So that didn't go well.

It's that sometimes I do feel more comfortable with him, but most of the time I don't, I adjust to how he's acting towards me.

I do sometimes arrange to go out places myself, but it's more things with family. People will make plans and wont even tell me what's going on till like the day before. And I'm like can't you at least tell me before? That's not so hard... I feel like I can make decent decisions for myself, it's just that I'm not confident when my dad is in the picture. He just... kinda throws it off and I feel like I can't do it.

Lately I've been thinking about writing him a letter or something to tell him some of these things, but I wouldn't give it to him until I wasn't living here anymore. I can't really take face to face conversations or confrontations. I just have a really bad time trying to talk face to face with people. Even if they're my close friends, stuff that's more personal I can't say face to face, even if it's not that big a deal.

[byee]

Homework is not typically an easy thing for a lot of families, so that just might be a reflection of that.

Unless you vividly recall him menacing you as a kid, let's assume that it's his masculine style that's unsettling you. A lot of what he does that bothers you is more typical 'male' behavior: His directness, his impatience, his strictness, etc.

However, you also talk about the easier side to him, too, so there's good stuff there as well. I like the idea of talking with him and help him understand what it is you need from him, how you'd like him to be, and see what he does with it. Maybe he's just being 'himself', which you're misinterpreting as harsh and emotionally unavailable. Maybe if you made him aware of it, he'd adjust his style.

[eikookmi]

You know how many times i've wanted to talk to you father.
Let me talk to him :|
I won't like slap him..
I could do a friendly/angry/informative letter that is caring and touching.
Because lately i hate all these stupid defaults in people.
Andd..you never tell me anything. I'm bothering you tomorrow..

[Talia]

I really do want to tell him that he makes me uncomfortable alot of the time but it's my thing with speaking face to face about these things. And even if it wasn't face to face at first, the idea of talking about it some other time after that scares me as well. Also, I'm just nervous of his reaction. I really can't say how he would act cause I don't tell him things often.


What don't I tell you? And what do you mean by defaults? I would let you talk to him... but after I'm moved out D: I would probably tell him indirectly anyway before you'd talk to him though.