Dark Angel 26
February 1st, 2009, 08:23 AM
Had kind of a bad day yesterday. I met up with an old friend of mine, that I haven't seen in nearly 4 years.
It felt funny at first, because we met up in the place where I used to live, before I moved away. It felt funny, and I couldn't get used to being back there. I was jumpy all day! I didn't like it. :yuck:
Anyways. When I met my friend she barely recognized me. I don't blame her though. When she last saw me, I didn't wear the ''panda'' eyeliner look that I do now, and my hair wasn't a funny colour.
''Vik?'' She said. ''This isn't you. I know you. You're not a Goth.''
Then later on we were in a cafe having some lunch. I was munching my burger, when my friend came out with,
''Let me see your arm.''
At the time, I didn't know what she was getting at, so I stuck my arm out (The right one, the one without the cuts on). I wear my bracelets and things on both arms anyway, so she pushed them all back and was feeling up and down my arm.
''What're you after?'' I asked her.
''Cuts. I'm seeing if you've been cutting.''
She finished checking that arm, and went to grab my other one (The one with the cuts on).
Instinctively, Because I knew what was gonna happen, I stuck my arm under the table. I caught my friend's eye, and she looked at me...Helplessly? I don't know.
She knows that I've been having a hard time, and she knew that I couldn't cope after I moved away. I wouldn't have shown her my cuts, as I think that would have been upsetting for both of us. But I don't know whether it was because I turned ''Gothic'', that she looked for cuts or not.
In the end, my friend did end up seeing my cuts. I put up a fight at first, saying No, you don't wanna see them, and I don't want you to see them.
But she kept on insisting, and I got angry.
Now I don't lose my temper in front of people very often, very rarely, in fact.
But if I'm pushed hard enough, I will explode. I'm like that, see.
So I ended up yelling at my friend. ''Okay fine! You wanna see! Fine! Here, look!''
I ripped off all my bracelets and armbands, and shoved my arm at her. I'd cut myself in the morning, so it was a goddamn mess.
At first, my friend was speechless. Then she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.
Although my friend does know about what's been going on now, I don't really feel like she truly understands what its been like for me.
At one point yesterday, we were sat down somewhere. And she said to me, ''Change back, Vikki. Go back to being the way you were. You're not a Goth.''
And then later on she said about my cutting, ''Don't do it.''
I can understand why she would feel like that, but I don't know how to stop. I feel like I can't.
When I got back home, I couldn't stop shaking. When everyone had gone out, I cut myself again. Quite bad. I just couldn't cope with all the feelings that were inside me, after seeing my old friend again.
It felt funny at first, because we met up in the place where I used to live, before I moved away. It felt funny, and I couldn't get used to being back there. I was jumpy all day! I didn't like it. :yuck:
Anyways. When I met my friend she barely recognized me. I don't blame her though. When she last saw me, I didn't wear the ''panda'' eyeliner look that I do now, and my hair wasn't a funny colour.
''Vik?'' She said. ''This isn't you. I know you. You're not a Goth.''
Then later on we were in a cafe having some lunch. I was munching my burger, when my friend came out with,
''Let me see your arm.''
At the time, I didn't know what she was getting at, so I stuck my arm out (The right one, the one without the cuts on). I wear my bracelets and things on both arms anyway, so she pushed them all back and was feeling up and down my arm.
''What're you after?'' I asked her.
''Cuts. I'm seeing if you've been cutting.''
She finished checking that arm, and went to grab my other one (The one with the cuts on).
Instinctively, Because I knew what was gonna happen, I stuck my arm under the table. I caught my friend's eye, and she looked at me...Helplessly? I don't know.
She knows that I've been having a hard time, and she knew that I couldn't cope after I moved away. I wouldn't have shown her my cuts, as I think that would have been upsetting for both of us. But I don't know whether it was because I turned ''Gothic'', that she looked for cuts or not.
In the end, my friend did end up seeing my cuts. I put up a fight at first, saying No, you don't wanna see them, and I don't want you to see them.
But she kept on insisting, and I got angry.
Now I don't lose my temper in front of people very often, very rarely, in fact.
But if I'm pushed hard enough, I will explode. I'm like that, see.
So I ended up yelling at my friend. ''Okay fine! You wanna see! Fine! Here, look!''
I ripped off all my bracelets and armbands, and shoved my arm at her. I'd cut myself in the morning, so it was a goddamn mess.
At first, my friend was speechless. Then she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.
Although my friend does know about what's been going on now, I don't really feel like she truly understands what its been like for me.
At one point yesterday, we were sat down somewhere. And she said to me, ''Change back, Vikki. Go back to being the way you were. You're not a Goth.''
And then later on she said about my cutting, ''Don't do it.''
I can understand why she would feel like that, but I don't know how to stop. I feel like I can't.
When I got back home, I couldn't stop shaking. When everyone had gone out, I cut myself again. Quite bad. I just couldn't cope with all the feelings that were inside me, after seeing my old friend again.