Melancholic Depression. It fits.....

[Cindex]

I think it got too long. I had a story in here about my mother getting me tricked into going. http://cindex.webhop.net/story.html if you really want to read it. It's almost completely irrelevant.

Lots of stuff happened there. Lots of questions. Told him a little about myself. My mother did a lot of the talking. He said in the beggining that he will share absolutely nothing with anyone, but he's legally obligated to report abuse; self abuse; drug abuse; or serious parental problems. I've now been reported for self abuse and possibly drug abuse. It's been a while.

He told me he thinks I have Melancholic Depression. He said it's uncommon in teens, and ONLY happens to intelligent ones. At least I got that boost. Then he told me most people experience it in their forties, and that's where my mentality was. Yay....

I never thought I had a problem, but all when he started listing off some symptoms that aren't commonly known it was like he was describing me. The things that I think about, the things that I worry about. It was like I WAS the disease. It made me feel horrible. Even my mother said, "It sounds like you've known him for years."


Melancholic Depression (Sub-type of Major Depressive Disorder) - Main features of this kind of depression include either a loss of pleasure in virtually all activities or mood does not temporarily improve in response to a positive event. Also, three (or more) of the following are present:

Depressed mood that has a distinct quality (e.g. different from feeling depressed when grieving)
Depression is consistently worse in the morning
Waking up earlier than usual (at last 2 hours)
Noticeable excessive movement or slowing down
Significant decrease in appetite or weight loss
Feeling excessive or inappropriate guilt

That's the simplest explanation what I found on the internet about it. The commonly known symptoms. The more I read about it the more horrible I feel. Everything fits so perfectly.... It's like I'm putting myself together and it turns out to be a puzzle of a horror movie.

The more and more I look into it, the worse I feel... It's like the people writing these articles know me! I thought before it was normal... Now I feel like I'm even more worthless than before... I don't want to have a problem.

The therapist is requiring me to take at least one more session to see if I should be treated. What does treated mean?! I really don't want the antidepressants... It's hard to explain. I'm really scared....

Edit: I'm still looking stuff up for this... So far everything says that the only effective cure is antidepressants, and it's considered severe. :'(

[Hyper]

So as I see it your crisis is that you think the depression has been you and has taken over you for the past years?

Well let me assure you it hasn't.. Like all illnesses people have predispositions for them. See what I mean is that you've problably been always like what you've been while depressed just to a lesser extenct..

Depression/anxiety has a great way of amplifying emotions and certain traits, behaivours.

And even if everything you are as a personality has developed through this depression, it wouldn't matter. Its your mind your body its still you and it will always be you

The only thing that really matters is do you like yourself? Not as in do you like your life but do you like the person you are?

Its not a question that can be answered in a minute for most people and it is a question that might get some people depressed thinking about it but its a very practical one..

If you don't like who you are by personality and the things you do and how you behaive, then you can't honestly be happy.

The question isn't are you normal, weird or anything like that, the question really is do you like what you are? And thats all that matters, what other people think doesn't mean crap

You shouldn't worry about the antidepressants and you shouldn't be scared. Just go along with it as it will in time help you.

[byee]

Let me put a different spin on this, tell me how it works.

You are who you are, and who you've always been. Being in therapy and having a doctor give *whatever* a name doesn't change anything at all. It's just a name, a term from a book.

A diagnosis is a form of shorthand, it's an efficient way of describing something, it allows people to quickly describe and understand something far more complex. It doesn't change you, nor are you defined as a person by it.

Somehow, hearing this diagnosis has changed the way you see and feel about yourself. This is not the purpose of telling you. Maybe the doctor felt that finally indentifying what your problem is would be helpful. Often, people are frightened by their symptoms, and having a word to describe it makes them feel better, it's not so mysterious anymore. However, you're experiencing all this as more of an indictment, it's like he's revealing something awful about you, you feel terribly exposed by this info. I think he needs to give you a much diff perspective here.

I think you should have a very frank convo with that doctor about your reaction, and have him explain it more and reassure you, discuss the treaments and the expected outcomes. He's there for that, to help, not to freak you out even more. You should feel supported always, even when difficult things are being said. Help him understand what that means for you. Right now, it sounds like you see him a someone who just tells you all the bad things that can happen (telling your folks if your self destructive, if you do drugs, etc.), that he's this uber-authority figure. I suppose he does have some real power there, but that power is to help you, not punish you. Talk with him about your reaction, give him the opportunity to balance that part of his role with being a helper and nurturer.

[Cindex]

Hyper - No, I don't like myself. I don't have a poor self-image, I know I'm more intelligent than average, and I really don't care what other people think. I hurt everyone I love. I always have, and I know it's just going to keep happening.

SAM - The thing is, I didn't know who I was. I still only have a vauge idea, but he pretty much spelled it out for me. I am a living, breathing mental disorder. I fit everything in there to a T.

I know he tried to help. But I'd rather just have a problem and not know. If I would've known anything about it in the past I would've already known I had it, too. Because it is who I am. It's so obvious now. It's who I've been for literally a few years. The "Who am I?" question is one of the symptoms that comes up in teens. The meaning of life, why are we here, and is there a God are all there. Those are my biggest life questions. It IS who I am.

My parents know I cut previously. And found out I did pot because my brother slipped. He didn't say he'd tell my parents either, he reported it to the state. Not going to be good for insurance or getting into the army....

The thing is, I can't ask him anything that I want answers to. I can't ask him about my disturbing thoughts, because I can only imagine the havoc if my parents found out. He doesn't know the meaning of life, obviously. Is there a God? Probably not. He's probably going to say yes anyways, so that kinda defeats the purpose. Why are we here? Well I figure it's just to die.

I told him the medications I was taking, by their real name, and he didn't have a clue what any of them were for. Seriously? Did he even go to college? Hasn't he ever read "ibuprofen" on the side of an advil bottle? Even if everything I said was completely safe, I can't talk down to people like that. He even came highly recommended!

See in a normal situation, I just wouldn't go. There's absolutely no way he's going to be able to help me. What's the point in going back? I would be easy out but it's required... I hate police... :'(

[Hyper]

Whats the point of going if you already decided that nothing will help you.

Part of getting better is wanting to get better.

Just clarify this; why did you go there in the first place and before you were told that you are a ''living mental disorder'' were you atleast contempt with your life?

[byee]

This therapist might not be the one for you. Unlike other doctors, each therapist is different. Medicine is technical, there's a lot of technology involved which guides assessment, diagnosis and treatment. Most medical treatments are technical, they're pretty straightforward. In therapy, it's as much the person that's curative, it's the therapist as a person that influences outcome. (As a side note, there was a study done asking 100 therapists what it was that they thought was most curative, and the answer was:
"Training", "technique", "Knowledge", etc., Learned stuff. Then, they asked 100 of their ex-patients, who had gotten better, the same q, and the answer was overwhelmingly "The person the therapist was" or "The relationship").

The way you describe what's going on btw'n you and him is that he's presenting himself more as an authority figure, almost threatening you with the results of opening uop and sharing with him, rather than being there as a caretaker and someone who you have faith in to know what's going on and help you feel better. And until that can be balanced, until you can experience him differently, as someone who cares about you and is there to help you, you're right, you won't get better. Trust is really esential in therapy, and that's what's lacking here.

So, either work thru this with him and help him see what your experience of him is, and work towards changing it, or find someone new who might have a different approach. But, don't give up entirely. Not only do you sound like you need some good therapy, but I gotta tell you, good therapy is like pure oxygen. Don't miss it.

[Cindex]

Hyper - I know I said it was unneccessary to read, but read that link in my first post. I didn't choose to go. I didn't have much of a choice. I don't want "help". I don't want antidepressants.

SAM - I see your point... But I have a lot of trust issues anyways. This is the only place I put any problems anymore, and I put a scarce amount of how many there are. I have people that will listen and rationally I know they won't tell, but it's like there's another conciousness that tells me not to.

I'm not exactly a normal person either, and telling IRL people about my problems just usually makes me feel worse because I know anyone I trust is going to worry about me. Then I'm just creating more problems anyways.

Honestly, I don't think any therapist cares right off the bat. Honestly, there's something about him that throws me off too. Maybe it's the way he talks about things usually taboo. Like cutting, therapy, drugs, and things like that. He just kind of, disturbs me.. So that kind of destroys that study you mentioned for me. I have very few trusting relationships.

Honestly, I just want to not go anymore and go back to life.... Going there just makes things worse... My mother uses it against me... My dad just acts even weirder around me... Ugh... I want to go home....

[Hyper]

So why don't you wan't ''help''

If you were fine being the way you were then just be that way.. If your going to be forced to keep ''looking for help''

Switch the theraphist like SAM said this guy is problably not right for you