nachtspiegel
January 30th, 2009, 07:43 PM
So, back in the day, my dad was abusive and my mom was neglectful. She spent every minute that she could away from the house. Granted, at least she wasn't out whoring around. She'd spend all of the time she could at gatherings at the place that she worked. My dad used to beat the shit out of my brother, my sister, and I. I realized this morning that I still haven't gotten over it. I was watching him go into the garage, and he shot me an angry look and it sent me running across the apartment to hide. It took me hiding behind a door and starting to shake to realize what I was doing.
For years, it's been bad. Sometimes, I would leave for weeks, or even a month or two at a time because I was tired of the violence and the beating - and not get so much as a "how are you, where are you?" phone call - and they always knew how to get in touch with me. I started doing that at the age of 8 or 9. (It's not like I kept a record of certain dates.)
This time last year, my mental problems got really out of hand. My dad has always been stuck up his own ass and my mom turned her back on me. In February, we got into an argument about my dad's drinking and she told me to get out of her house. She told everyone that I left on my own, but I confronted her and she admitted - without anyone else around - that I didn't run away, and that she had told me to go. She never once asked me to come back, and when I called her about a month after I left, needing to go to the emergency room, all she had to offer was "it's Friday night and I don't feel like going. Call me tomorrow."
I took an overdose in May, plus I was getting high all the time and I couldn't get a grip on myself. My mom ended up finding out that I took the overdose very soon (like, no more than an hour) after I did it, though that night is blurry and I don't remember the details. All she said was "lock the door after you leave. I'm going to bed." After my friend's mom called her and threatened to call social services on her, she came and got me and took me to the emergency room. When they told her which facility they had to put me in, she got upset about the distance and said "I guess I'm going to have to sign him over to the state" - which she then tried to do.
In the facility, she never came to visit me. She only came to mandatory sessions (that my social worker told her that she had to come to or risk facing neglect charges.) And, she made it clear to me every time she came - even though she tried to act so peachy in front of the designated worker - that it was a huge time constraint and a strain on her to put gas in the car to be able to come. Not to mention that she "hated driving those winding back roads." She usually didn't try to make sure that the phone was left alone on the evenings that I could call, and many times, I'd lose my chance to have a phone call because she wouldn't answer. I even used to make sure that I kept my behavior in check so I could have a fifteen minute phone call.
Fast forward to the past month or so. They're both suddenly trying to act like they care, to a point. My dad is still adamant about his truck. One time, I asked if my sister's boyfriend could use it to drive me to therapy and I caught massive hell. They try to act concerned, and it might be genuine concern, but I feel like it's a little too late. I don't want their concern, I don't want them to act like the watchful eye, I don't want their sympathy. I, quite honestly, want them to stop scripting this bullshit and leave me the fuck alone. If they wanted to be such good parents, they should've tried when I was still interested. I am no longer interested in them trying to act the way they are.
That's not to say that I don't want anything to do with them. I've just gotten used to taking care of myself. It really throws me off how, all of the sudden, they are trying to act like they really care. If you want to criticize, that's fine - maybe I need some of it. Every time my mom says something like "you're my son, it's my job to care" or my dad says "I'm just trying to be a good dad" I'm fully prepared and strongly urged to reply with "shut the fuck up and save the bullshit. Stop talking to me. Leave me the fuck alone."
This is kind of a rant, and I'm not sure of the complete jist of it, but it's been on my mind, so I decided to rant in my favorite and most trusted place.
For years, it's been bad. Sometimes, I would leave for weeks, or even a month or two at a time because I was tired of the violence and the beating - and not get so much as a "how are you, where are you?" phone call - and they always knew how to get in touch with me. I started doing that at the age of 8 or 9. (It's not like I kept a record of certain dates.)
This time last year, my mental problems got really out of hand. My dad has always been stuck up his own ass and my mom turned her back on me. In February, we got into an argument about my dad's drinking and she told me to get out of her house. She told everyone that I left on my own, but I confronted her and she admitted - without anyone else around - that I didn't run away, and that she had told me to go. She never once asked me to come back, and when I called her about a month after I left, needing to go to the emergency room, all she had to offer was "it's Friday night and I don't feel like going. Call me tomorrow."
I took an overdose in May, plus I was getting high all the time and I couldn't get a grip on myself. My mom ended up finding out that I took the overdose very soon (like, no more than an hour) after I did it, though that night is blurry and I don't remember the details. All she said was "lock the door after you leave. I'm going to bed." After my friend's mom called her and threatened to call social services on her, she came and got me and took me to the emergency room. When they told her which facility they had to put me in, she got upset about the distance and said "I guess I'm going to have to sign him over to the state" - which she then tried to do.
In the facility, she never came to visit me. She only came to mandatory sessions (that my social worker told her that she had to come to or risk facing neglect charges.) And, she made it clear to me every time she came - even though she tried to act so peachy in front of the designated worker - that it was a huge time constraint and a strain on her to put gas in the car to be able to come. Not to mention that she "hated driving those winding back roads." She usually didn't try to make sure that the phone was left alone on the evenings that I could call, and many times, I'd lose my chance to have a phone call because she wouldn't answer. I even used to make sure that I kept my behavior in check so I could have a fifteen minute phone call.
Fast forward to the past month or so. They're both suddenly trying to act like they care, to a point. My dad is still adamant about his truck. One time, I asked if my sister's boyfriend could use it to drive me to therapy and I caught massive hell. They try to act concerned, and it might be genuine concern, but I feel like it's a little too late. I don't want their concern, I don't want them to act like the watchful eye, I don't want their sympathy. I, quite honestly, want them to stop scripting this bullshit and leave me the fuck alone. If they wanted to be such good parents, they should've tried when I was still interested. I am no longer interested in them trying to act the way they are.
That's not to say that I don't want anything to do with them. I've just gotten used to taking care of myself. It really throws me off how, all of the sudden, they are trying to act like they really care. If you want to criticize, that's fine - maybe I need some of it. Every time my mom says something like "you're my son, it's my job to care" or my dad says "I'm just trying to be a good dad" I'm fully prepared and strongly urged to reply with "shut the fuck up and save the bullshit. Stop talking to me. Leave me the fuck alone."
This is kind of a rant, and I'm not sure of the complete jist of it, but it's been on my mind, so I decided to rant in my favorite and most trusted place.