I wanted to forget it

[nachtspiegel]

But I am realizing, that, as time goes on, I am losing control faster than ever.
The first person that I mentioned this to was Steph. I have been hoping that this was just a dream and that I could forget about it, but I can't.
I've been diagnosed as having Bi-Polar disorder and PTSD. The diagnosis made sense, and I went with it. I've wanted to get better, but the pieces aren't coming together. For a while, I've been having other symptoms that I don't want to have. It first started with seeing things out of the corner of my eye, like shadows. Then, as time progressed, I started having bouts of extreme paranoia. When these feelings of paranoia come on, my nerves are also shot. During these moments (such as right now,) I do not have the capacity to handle anything. Even the sound of my typing is setting me off. Now, I have been hearing voices. I'm always being told to hurt myself, or hurt someone else. I was taking a long walk and I planned to go see my mother at the hospital the other day (which I ended up doing.) On the way, I have to pass a street that leads to a bridge, something... this voice, kept telling me to go to the bridge and jump. It was like I was fighting myself, but the voice wasn't my own. It wasn't a thought in my head. Sometimes, I am absolutely convinced that what I hear is real, and, at this point, I can still rationalize, to a point. Last night, I jumped at any noise and I had a knife near me at all times. I am usually torn between feelings of suicide and the feeling that someone else is going to kill me. I feel like everyone I see is out to get me and a lot of the time, I don't even have the composure to maintain a normal conversation. I'm going through a mental health provider, but I can't be prescribed anything right now because I don't have a legal guardian available to be present at the psychiatry appointment. I have been waiting since November 11 and my appointment is February 10, and that's only if I can get two more sessions with my therapist before then. (I blew off my last one because of what I knew she was going to want to talk about. I panicked the morning of.) I don't know what to do. I can't handle myself. I am going to end up dead if this continues.

[byee]

Listen, what you're going thru is temporary. Horrific, but temporary. Let's make it even shorter.

You need to get to that doctor ASAP, on an emergent basis they do NOT need parental consent. If you're hearing voices and are self destructive, they'll treat the problem if you present yourself to them alone. Go.


You've been thru a lot, I've been following your story here, and I know it's taken its toll on you. But, the horrible part is (mercifully!) over. It cannot happen to you again. The memories are real (probably too real), but it's really past tense. The way to keep it there is to make and keep all your doc appts. and have hope, give yourself a reality check, and make sure you're taking extra good care of yourself, do nice things for yourself.

And remember, therapy takes time, but just b/c you cannot see the kind of progress you need now doesn't mean that it isn't working. Hang in there.

Go to the doctor.

[nachtspiegel]

My therapist hasn't called back as far as I know. Either that, or they're keeping my calls from me again. I've been good today, even though I didn't get out of bed until 4pm. I told my friend about it and she told me to go get help and stop waiting. Her cousin went through the same thing and nearly ended up dead. She ended up in the ICU and then she spent almost 6 months in a psych ward. You're completely right... I just want someone to know what I need to do before I do it, and I don't have anyone to tell that won't give me a cold reaction.

[byee]

Keep calling your therapist, maybe the weather is getting in the way now, I understand it's pretty bad there.

Don't use other people's experiences with ICU's and psych admissions as any kind of guide to what might be in tsore for you, everyone's different. The bottom line is that the doc is the one who can best determine with you what's best and work with you to make you better. So, the sooner (and more frequently) you see her, the sooner you'll likely feel better.

[nachtspiegel]

I haven't really kept up to date with what is closed and what isn't, so I wouldn't know if the center was open or not. Considering that pretty much everything is shut down, I wouldn't imagine that it is. It's part of a larger network of community mental health services, but it's not a primary center.

The only reason she pointed out what her cousin went through is because she was trying to get it into my head to get it taken care of before it gets any worse. Right now, there's nothing I can do but wait out the weather. My primary way to fight back has been to sleep. And sleep. And sleep.