kittiegocrazy
January 26th, 2009, 10:31 PM
I don't know if it's all the stress or pressure of being a senior and having to go to college next year, or if there is something wrong with me mentally or something. I'm like a light switch... My moods go from one extreme to the total opposite... I'll be fine one minute, and the next I'll be really angry or depressed.
But even when the change is gradual, I'll feel it with intensity.
When I start to get angry, which is one of the most common things for me, I know I'm going to get nasty easy. Even if I'm not mad, and a manage to keep cool, I'll just snap. I get rude, and I get in your face like.
I can't really explain much without it turning into a long essay because there are a whole bunch of things alongside this that have been ongoing for some time. First I thought I have depression & it's been going untreated for around five years or so. But then, I started to question it being Borderline Personality Disorder after reading a long article in Time Magazine. If I had to choose between the two, I would prefer it being the first option.
One thing is certain though, it's like I've given up on bothering with school anymore because of how I may fail two classes this marking period, and thus fail off of my school's bowling team (which really needs me right now, and will need me badly in the State Tournament)... for a second time (I failed off in 10th grade). Which is something I really do not need right now.
This morning my mother started to nose around my stuff on my computer, and started reading it.. This was after she failed to find any papers laying around on my desk that were of any interest to her (i.e. my business or personal writings).. When I realized I had a survey kind of thing opened that I had started but not finished, I went from muttering "shut the fuck up" into my pillow to just let my anger out discretely to lunging out of my bed and pushing my mom back while screaming at her after hitting her a few times just to get her away from the computer. Needless to say she yelled at me, and only further pissed me off. After she stormed out of my room, I locked my door with my dog inside. I sat back down on my bed, and I went from pissed off to bawling my eyes out. I only started crying even more when he (my dog) started putting his front paws around my side (his way of hugging) & kissing my face to get rid of all my tears. I ended up passing back out on my bed with my blanket on me, and the dog laying his paws across my back.
When I woke up, it was to her trying to pick the lock on my door, and I went from sleepy to wide awake and furious.
I'm just getting sick and tired of the drastic moodswings and all the anger explosions I have. Normally I have to deal with my dad's screaming at me for being late to school like that, and today I didn't hear a thing from him about being late... which obviously means my mother didn't even tell him. And she always tells him when I give her a hard time at all in the morning, and when I'm late.
I'm so tired of getting a mood whiplash. I hate it. If I'm not angry at someone, and it's usually my parents, I'm pissed off at myself for something. And I feel like just bashing my head against the wall till I knock myself out or something. The mood roller coaster ride just needs to stop.
I feel like there's something terribly wrong with me mentally, and it scares me... And I hate not knowing what is going on with me anymore. I feel like I don't know myself at all anymore & it's maddening.
But even when the change is gradual, I'll feel it with intensity.
When I start to get angry, which is one of the most common things for me, I know I'm going to get nasty easy. Even if I'm not mad, and a manage to keep cool, I'll just snap. I get rude, and I get in your face like.
I can't really explain much without it turning into a long essay because there are a whole bunch of things alongside this that have been ongoing for some time. First I thought I have depression & it's been going untreated for around five years or so. But then, I started to question it being Borderline Personality Disorder after reading a long article in Time Magazine. If I had to choose between the two, I would prefer it being the first option.
One thing is certain though, it's like I've given up on bothering with school anymore because of how I may fail two classes this marking period, and thus fail off of my school's bowling team (which really needs me right now, and will need me badly in the State Tournament)... for a second time (I failed off in 10th grade). Which is something I really do not need right now.
This morning my mother started to nose around my stuff on my computer, and started reading it.. This was after she failed to find any papers laying around on my desk that were of any interest to her (i.e. my business or personal writings).. When I realized I had a survey kind of thing opened that I had started but not finished, I went from muttering "shut the fuck up" into my pillow to just let my anger out discretely to lunging out of my bed and pushing my mom back while screaming at her after hitting her a few times just to get her away from the computer. Needless to say she yelled at me, and only further pissed me off. After she stormed out of my room, I locked my door with my dog inside. I sat back down on my bed, and I went from pissed off to bawling my eyes out. I only started crying even more when he (my dog) started putting his front paws around my side (his way of hugging) & kissing my face to get rid of all my tears. I ended up passing back out on my bed with my blanket on me, and the dog laying his paws across my back.
When I woke up, it was to her trying to pick the lock on my door, and I went from sleepy to wide awake and furious.
I'm just getting sick and tired of the drastic moodswings and all the anger explosions I have. Normally I have to deal with my dad's screaming at me for being late to school like that, and today I didn't hear a thing from him about being late... which obviously means my mother didn't even tell him. And she always tells him when I give her a hard time at all in the morning, and when I'm late.
I'm so tired of getting a mood whiplash. I hate it. If I'm not angry at someone, and it's usually my parents, I'm pissed off at myself for something. And I feel like just bashing my head against the wall till I knock myself out or something. The mood roller coaster ride just needs to stop.
I feel like there's something terribly wrong with me mentally, and it scares me... And I hate not knowing what is going on with me anymore. I feel like I don't know myself at all anymore & it's maddening.