I am tired.

[nachtspiegel]

I am tired of the mood swings. I am tired of innocent thoughts slowly making their way into suicidal idealizations. I am tired of standing in a dark room with the sun shining on my back. I am tired of no one understanding what this is like. It will be a month on Tuesday since I have done any kind of self-harming. I have been having suicidal thoughts solidly for three days now. Granted, I do have a few things going on right now, but I just need to deal with it. The worst part is that my current life situations are not what is causing me to want to do this. These feelings randomly strike out of nowhere. On top of this, I have started to have hallucinations and I am hearing people - hearing voices that I have finally realized as not being my own. My logical side, which prevails, thankfully, about two-thirds of the time, shows me that suicide is not the answer. Another side, which is the part of me that digs deep into thought, changes "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" to "a practical solution to a permanent problem." I am at my sister's right now, but I will probably be leaving tomorrow, and without my sister and niece around, there is no telling what will happen. I'm tired of the roller coaster and this current battle is based on deciding whether to jump off the top, or wait until it stops.