Finally Open myself

[thunderbots]

Hey. I've been cutting myself for 4 years now and i think i did a pretty good job keeping it to myself as much as possible.
I think i talked about it to 4 people [closest friend and my boyfriend] in total about my cutting...but only briefly.
The conversation always end quickly with, "Just stop doing it, please."
But..seriously that was much help.

None of my friends have experience cutting before. So it was hard to speak to them about my problems...

-I always feel disgusted after cutting myself but at the same time it was such a guilty pleasure.

-often sick of people asking why i was wearing long sleeves/sweater,long pants in the summer

-My heart races whenever i go to the doctor. Especially when the times i had to have blood samples taken. I don't want them to see my scars.

Just yesterday night i was crying almost 2 hours straight in my boyfriend's room.
He tried to comfort me but i ended up pushing him away and then i snuck in his utility knife nearby and start cutting myself under the covers. His whole family was at home and using up the bathroom only draws suspicion.
The knife was so dull that i only inflict small cuts. He found out what i was doing and left the room for 20 minutes to cool off. But while i was still in the room alone, i continued to cut, deeper. As he return back to the room, he found that i was still cutting myself and my arms are covered in blood and cuts. That's when he threw the knife outside and disappeared from my sight and he haven't came back since that night. I try to contact his cell phone but he turned it off and sometime if i lucky, get 2 rings and then he shuts it off.

This was his second time seeing me with fresh cuts. We already talked about the situation. I hesitated to promise him to stop cutting. However he just doesn't understand...
In his mind, he believes that you can quit cutting like cold turkey.

-I lost contact with my boyfriend

We do deeply love each other...and i know 200% we don't want to break it up. But i can't stand seeing him suffer due to my burden.


[phew] finally got that out of my system.

[byee]

It doesn't really seem as if you've gotten it out of your system if you need to continually cut yourself! Don't confuse the momentary relief of either talking to us about it (or actually doing it) with real relief. It's a vicious cycle that needs to be permanently broken. And for that to happen, the underlying causes need to be understood and addressed, and you need to learn other coping skills.

The solution here is to tell other people in your life who care about you what you're doing, show them. Let them get you to a doctor whom can address the underlying issues, so that you can truly get it out of your system, permanently.

[ShatteredGlass]

HAve you told him that you can't stop cold turkey. Tell him it's hard, and when he asks you to promise to stop promise to work on it, but cutting yourself in his house? while he's there with his utility knife, do you have something against him? Because he probably feels that way

[eikookmi]

Well since neither of you want to break up, you should really talk to him then. Attempt to make him understand, tell him your problems and how you are feeling and how hard it is to stop. However, you shouldn't have been cutting in his room :/ Nobody wants to see their loved one hurting themselves, expecially in their own room with their knife. But just talk to him, im sure you guys can work it out