My father.

[Cindex]

He angers me. Often.

He doesn't even have any boundaries. This Christmas, I had to leave the house because I couldn't stand to be anywhere near him. The temp was below -30 with windchill and I walked out with a sweatshirt on because I was just flaring.

When I see his face, I just want to kill him. A great friend of mine pointed out one day that my whole body slumps every time my dad walks in. When he talks to me my teeth clench. I can't even stand to be around him! The only time he's ever even remotely close to pleasant is when he's drunk. And for my liking, he doesn't drink nearly often enough. Once a week if I'm lucky.

It just makes it worse because he's the only one in the house that understands what I'm saying when I start talking about computers. I'm forced to talk to him when there's problems (usually caused by him or my bro) and I don't know what setting got changed.

I'm honestly scared I may kill him. At the moment there is a knife in every single room in the house. All of them strong and sharp enough to easily kill an unsuspecting human. Multiple times I've grabbed the blades and just held them looking at him.

To make it worse he acts like he's holy or something. He never does anything wrong, and it just pisses me off more. My mother told me he'd be home from a short (3 day) trip early, and he'd be home tommorrow morning. I started crying.

I don't really know if I want advice, I just wanted to write it somewhere. I deleted a lot of it because it was just rants.

[thiscityisdead]

wow to tell you the truth, my life is the SAME way, no joke, i clench my teeth and have thought that i want to kill him when hes sleeping, i DESPISE my father, he ALSO thinks hes some kind of untouchable god or something, that pisses me off like hell, when hes the most desgracefull human on this earth, ive heard of some people being bad but my father is just INSANE,

if you ever need anyone to talk to drop me a pm, im always happy to help =]]

[Halibut]

wow thats hard!! what is your reasons for feeling like that. if he is doing something that wrong you should tell someone. or maybe go inot counciling. or talk to your mom or something...tuff situation though

[Oblivion]

You really need to talk to your counselor or psychologist.
This is not good to have such violent thoughts, and you need to figure out whats wrong; especially when you aren't sharing any reasons for such violent thoughts.

Of course, its not technically wrong for you to think it... But to actually believe you might kill your dad? You need to get help through it, and get help with figuring your problems out, if you ever want to be happy around your dad.

[Random_oso06]

ya you do need to talk to someone a counselor i suggest like Nick said it isn't good to have violent thoughts about someone even of course you dad i won't judge you but what does he do that makes you so mad enough that you what to kill him? talking without violence is the best way to set your course of action to peace

[byee]

Where'd you hear the term 'boundaries' before? That's a psychological term, are you in therapy? If so, there's your answer. Talk with the person who rightly described your dad's difficulties as a boundary issue. get it off your chest there, and work on coping skills to help deal with him.

if you're not in therapy, find someone to talk to. If you think ranting here feels good, wait till you see how it feels in therapy!

[Cindex]

Thanks nlsdmm, I know I'm not the only one....

My father doesn't (usually) hit me or anything. And besides a few incidents he's never really hurt me doing it. I don't really even care that much, besides the time he messed up my hip and tore a tendon. That still hurts.

Like nlsdmm said, he thinks he's some sort of demigod or something. One of my pet peeves is ignorance. If you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, don't talk. I have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, abbreviated DSPS. I was told, by an actual doctor, that I have it. My father says it's bullshit. So he forces me to sit for hours and stare at a wall. (Don't need suggestions for DSPS, I have it down for now)

Sometimes just the way he speaks just throws me off. Like when he tells people to clean up something he did. That's so freaking annoying. Then he tells me, "Go clean up your own mess," when again, he did it.

Our computers are all in the basement. Right now there's a total of five hooked up and a bunch of other ones laying around without a monitor. I pretty much have no life, so I sit on the computer and do whatever entertains me. My computer, the newest one, is seperated from the rest. But when the cluster of computers that everyone else uses gets messed up guess who's fault it is? It takes hours to clean, and the floor literally has to shine.

Right now, if I go outside, my skin will freeze solid in under eight minutes. My father told me earlier that I should go run a mile with the dog.... I like to live. What the hell?

To add to it all, he approves pretty much none of my friends. When there's people over for a party or just to hang out, he just comes downstairs, insults me, and tells me to clean the basement. He does it repeatedly.

There's a lot I could put. But I now realize how long this is. So basically, I can't stand the way he acts or the way he talks. Especially to me. He doesn't do this to any of the other children. Just me.

I did talk to my mother about it, and she is helpless. She even admitted that I was obviously the least favorite to him. The only reason she came up with was that I was smarter than him, and I was a threat. He taught me everything he knows about computers, which is now miniscule compared to what I know. It was his expertise, and now I beat him. What a poor loser.....

Edit: I deleted a few sections of rants.

[byee]

FWIW, I think your dad's a fool. You seem like a really nice guy. Whatever gets in the way of your dad seeing this and enjoying you makes him really disturbed.

I think the task here is for you to recognize that, for whatever reason, your dad cannot give you what you need emotionally. Deal with the disappointment and the frustration, but acknowledge he's just a bad dad, and make the best of it. For whatever reason, he cannot do any better. He is emotionally limited, there's not much in there to guide him thru this and help hi recognize what he's supposed to be doing. Be glad you are not him.

I think a lot of people grind over situations they are stuck in and cannot control b/c they really want it to change, in spite of the utter futility of that. If you can accept him for what he is (disturbed, limited), maybe your expectations will be lower, so you won't be so vulnerable to disappointment when he demonstrates his inadequacy.

Focus on tomorrow, adolescence is almost over for you, you move out in a few years, and make sure there's a good plan for you to get there, and get out.

Sometimes, the best advice really is to hang in there. With a plan, though.