What is wrong with me?

[Ruiner]

I don't know what this is or how to fix it - here goes nothing.
I can feel happiness sometimes. When I'm with people I trust and care about 100%, I can feel happy. But only while I'm with them. And I mean that literally - I'll go to the bathroom and stand with my head in my hands for no real reason. I've even cut while at friends houses before (I don't deal with social situations well).
But I can fake it so easily around my friends. A friend once said "but you always seem so happy and self secure!" - couldn't be further from the truth. My family have never questioned my state of mind, even though I listen to miserable music and make it known that I only listen to music I relate to.
It's not always this bad, but I'm never truly happy unless something great has happened. Right now I don't remember what happiness feels like. I just want to curl up in the corner and cut and cry until I feel better.
Every couple of weeks, I get these really awful moods where nothing makes sense. All I know is misery and fear and can't see anything beyond that specific time. My vision goes blurry. I can barely move and I just want the earth to swallow me up and never have to feel or think again.
My thoughts scare me. I know I've got zero self esteem, and that's not too uncommon, but I get this voice... Almost like a... split personality within my mind? The weak pathetic one, and the one who screams insults constantly at the other. I can't get her out of my head and she hurts me so much.
So... yeah. Is this just depression and low self esteem? I've wondered about borderline personality disorder but not all the symptoms fit. So if anyone has some idea of what's going on with my mind I'd really appreciate some comments.

P.S Sorry about the massive entry but... I got a bit carried away. How to summarize everything in one paragraph?

[byee]

Yuck.

OK, right now, the task needs to be getting you to someone who can help you understand where all this darkness comes from, and giving you the tools to make it go away. You need to inform your folks about your feelings, you need to enlighten them. Go tell them what's going on, and show them the cuts. They might not realize what all the pieces mean, the music and all, b/c you're so good at masking all the other, more obvious symptoms of your distress.

As a general rule, everyone feels down, everyone feels bad at times, but if you cannot resolve these periods on your own in a relatively short period of time, or it interferes with your life, or you start to act those feelings out by cutting or engaging in other forms of self destructive behaviors, then it's time to be more direct in asking for help. And, you seem to be at that point.

[eikookmi]

Omg i feel the same way.
But i don't have any advice since i still feel like this.
sorry |:

[Cindex]

You pretty much just summed up everything for me too.... From fake smiles to scary thoughts to that little voice that tells me I'm a f***up, pathetic, and have nothing to live for.

Really, the best answer would be a therapist. Just ask your parents if you can see one, and tell them you really just want to try. Of course they'll pry, but try to keep to yourself just until you get to a therapist. If you're too shy to ask, have a trustworthy friend ask. Or just ask one parent.

Now I get that most people don't like therapists. I don't either. If that's the case, then find a friend. Find someone you can give your problems to and they can give you advice. If nothing else you can always come here. Don't keep everything bottled up, it's just not healthy.

Try hanging around with the friends who actually make you happy. Not just the fake smile, but true happiness. I know now you're not with them, and it's hard to imagine being happy, but it's really worth it.

Also, get a hobby that makes you smile. Something you can do all by yourself. Learn to play guitar, program computers, read/write a book, or just something that gives you a sense of accomplishment. It'll help you feel better about yourself and your abilities.

[Ruiner]

Thank you so much for your advice and support.
I think I'll start using the kids help line chat thing - I don't think I could tell my parents.
I already play guitar and I think putting a lot of effort into it would be helpful, so I'll start playing as much as I can.
Thanks again, just seeing replies makes me feel a bit better.

[paladinlancer]

I think i know exactly what you mean by that voice. That thing in your head that just seems to criticize everything you say, like the linkin park song. And no mater how hard you try you just cant quite seem to shut it up, just for a moment of silence but it has to continue blabbering on. I think most teens have been there we just dont really know it. Everyone-at first- always thinks that they are alone, no one else knows how they feel, but we do. A better title for this forum would be "Whats wrong with us?" Unfortunately not too much helps when you get stuck in a depression rut, once your in your pretty much stuck for quite some time until something knocks you out of it. I have noticed over the years however a few things that can help.

-listening to different music, happy music, maybe even music you wouldnt listen too before. Search the web on youtube or something and look for a happy song like Corona - The Rhythm Of The Night

- while it may seem like a good idea to talk to good friends ive noticed that myspace has a knack of doing very little to actually quell ones depression, you end up having like 2 friends online, ones not even really online and the other says a few words and has to go in the end it just fuels the fire. If you want something else to do while listening to music on youtube or something play a computer game, like minesweeper or solitare or scribble in the paint app. To me at least i know that when im depressed i tend to listen to music that actually sustains my depression and then get on myspace and have nothing to do and nothing to talk to and its just not fun.

- Another thing to do is to watch tv HBO/Movie channels if you got em i know for me at least when i get depressed sometimes i get irritated fast as hell and commercials just piss me off. Watch something funny and or stupid try and smile and laugh, typically the more you smile and laugh while depressed the less depressed you feel.

- Getting out of the house is also a great way to clear your head, go for a walk, play with the cat/dog, go rollerblading/biking/skateboarding, go swimming, go to the park.

And now that ive listed a few ways to calm down the depression, the awesome answer to your original post, 'whats going on with my mind and how can i get this depression completley away from me." Well ive also come to find that when your mind turns to depression it likes to stay that way, unfortunatley its like getting a stomach ache and getting a headache. Its bound to happen, when it does there isnt too much you can do but you can get rid of it quickly if you try. And it 'will' happen, you eventually just learn how to avoid it and prevent it and treat it quickly. Your not any more fucked up than the rest of us severley inperfect humans. Its pretty much human nature to feel depressed and such. As far as the cutting yourself and such of course i reccomend to not do it. Ive done it before, i understand exactly why people do, physical pain draws the mind away from emotional pain but it can be dangerous and leave scars. And when you look back on those scars ten years from now when you are like 5x happier on a regular basis (and you most likley will be) you will regret those scars. If you seriously have to find some physical way to not think of the emotional pain punch the ground (CARPET! Dont go breaking your knuckles on stone/wood/cement and dont be punching holes in the wall, its difficult and expensive to repair id know.) or try some of the things i listed above. In the end, like ive said theres nothing wrong with you, your just as human and normal as the rest of us teens for the most part (we all have our unique'ness). We all have to experience emotional pain, and we will for the rest of our lives, but trust me when i say that eventually it gets easier. You get better at evading drama, quicker at healing emotional pains, and eventually things do get beter and stay that way for longer periods of time. However its not a god-crafted rule, if you want to be less depressed you have to help yourself be less depressed. Dont listen to sad/depressing music (yes most rock actually may not seem depressing but it does a good job at keeping you depressed) and sit at your desk on myspace having no one to talk to thinking your all alone and then hate your life all day being depressed. You cant help yourself if you dont try to help yourself. If you want to be less depressed, try it. Puting your thoughts into words on this site was a good first step. I hope that what i have shared (all of which from my personal experiences as a person who has experienced severe drama and turned out quite fine and happy) and what other people have to say help you.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

you should go to a doctor, try not to diagnose yourself, go to the doctor get him to do an assessment and go on meds if you feel comfortable doing that.