Getting Out Of Hand Again

[Zephyr]

All in the course of 3 days...
Cutting off the circulation in my fingers
Banging my head against the wall
51 shallow cuts
12 meduim cuts
20 deep cuts
5 burns

Just lying in the bathtub bleeding moments ago,
After making the deep cuts.
It was so peaceful.
It's amazing how fast the water turns brownish,
Then starts to get a red tint.

I'm dizzy.
But at least my head doesn't feel messed up anymore.

Don't worry about me.
I'll make it through the night.
And in the morning I plan on talking to my brother or my mum about it.

But in the mean time,
I'm just enjoying not having to deal with my head.

[Sapphire]

I am sorry to hear that you've hurt yourself so much in the past few days.
It's very good that you are going to talk with a family member about this.

Please keep yourself safe, Steph :hug3:

[theOperaGhost]

Stay safe, hun. I'm glad you're going to talk to a family member about it.

[byee]

Steph! I leave you alone for a few days and look what happens!

Listen, I think you have to change your perspective here, take a longer view of things. There's a lot going on for you, and has been for some time. BUT, you're also more aware of it all AND taking the very good steps of being in therapy and having your meds adjusted. All this treatment is really good for you, but it takes time. So, in the meantime, you'll have good days and bad ones, you have to expect that, and have a plan to address the bad ones. Without resorting to cutting, etc. Take extra good care of yourself when you're feeling down, don't hurt yourself more. Willpower, girl!

I also like the idea of you calling your therapist now and get in there ASAP, I wouldn't wait for your next appt., unless it happens to be today or tomorrow.

[ShatteredGlass]

I'm sorry you feel that low. A lot of people do, if you ever need to talk to some1, like, completely 4 real, PM me ne time. You need to make sure to talk about that.

[Zephyr]

So... I'm nervous.
I can call or text my brother right now,
Or I can talk to my mum when she gets home.
God this is hard.
I've never talked out loud about cutting with anybody except my therapist :(

Ugh. Screw it. I CAN DO THIS! rawr! Be strong!

[eikookmi]

U CAN DO IT!!!!!!!
If u do it i'll give you orgasmical cookies!

[Zephyr]

I'm texting my brother now.
Though I should really call him,
I just don't have the strength yet to say the words out loud.
I just can't talk to my mum at the moment.
She thinks that I've made leaps and bounds of progress,
And it would kill her to know that it's just a facade that I've put back up.
I know I need to tell her out loud.
And soon.
That'll be my goal.

[eikookmi]

Be strong.
It's the hardest to tell people that care about you.
But you know it's the best thing to do and it's something you need to do.

[Zephyr]

I texted my brother for words of encouragement.
Then I went for a long ass walk to think about it and get my thoughts straight.

Then for the first time in years,
I willingly showed my mum my arms.
I just rolled up my sleeves,
Walked over to her and was like,
"I've been bad lately."
And tried to explain things the best I could.

I feel bad because she stared to get teary-eyed,
And thinks that she's the one that's causing it.

But I feel relieved now.
I did it on my own.

I didn't have to wait for her to find them and freak out like the first time years ago,
I didn't have to write a letter like I did a couple of months ago.

It feels empowering to say:

I DID IT!

I feel like I'm on top of the world now.
I feel like I've grown a foot in the last half hour :D

[Atonement]

Te amo mucho porque eres fuerte

[theOperaGhost]

That's wonderful to here, Steph! That is a big step in a positive direction and I hope you keep moving in that direction. Please don't feel bad about making your mom teary-eyed because I'm sure she's just worried about you. Just don't let it get you down, hun. :hug:

[Zephyr]

Almost forgot...

My brother also wants me to start coming up and staying with him once a month after he moves down to Portland in February... (he's in Seattle right now). That way I have something to do/look forward to rather than being stuck in monotony all the time.

I think it'd be a good idea to take advantage of that opportunity. He understands a hell of a lot better than my mum and step dad.

Thanks everybody = ]

Your support and encouragement really helped me pull through to this moment. As stubborn as I've been, I've finally done it :D

[eikookmi]

Good job :D

[Oblivion]

Almost forgot...

My brother also wants me to start coming up and staying with him once a month after he moves down to Portland in February... (he's in Seattle right now). That way I have something to do/look forward to rather than being stuck in monotony all the time.

I think it'd be a good idea to take advantage of that opportunity. He understands a hell of a lot better than my mum and step dad.

Thanks everybody = ]

Your support and encouragement really helped me pull through to this moment. As stubborn as I've been, I've finally done it :D

Woo! Thats so great!
See all the goodies come from WA! :P
Anyways, thats so cool!
Im glad he can be there for you!
And Im glad your happy (:

[Gumleaf]

I texted my brother for words of encouragement.
Then I went for a long ass walk to think about it and get my thoughts straight.

Then for the first time in years,
I willingly showed my mum my arms.
I just rolled up my sleeves,
Walked over to her and was like,
"I've been bad lately."
And tried to explain things the best I could.

I feel bad because she stared to get teary-eyed,
And thinks that she's the one that's causing it.

But I feel relieved now.
I did it on my own.

I didn't have to wait for her to find them and freak out like the first time years ago,
I didn't have to write a letter like I did a couple of months ago.

It feels empowering to say:

I DID IT!

I feel like I'm on top of the world now.
I feel like I've grown a foot in the last half hour :D

i'm proud of you my triplet!!! you have done something that is very hard to do and it makes me so happy to know that you are making such progress by doing this. luv ya. :D

[Sapphire]

Well done for plucking up the courage to tell them both!
Hope you are able to keep yourself safe with your family's support.

[byee]

Good for you! See? You CAN do it!

[Zephyr]

You have nooooo idea.
I have such a wide grin on my face today,
I feel a million times better :D

Thanks again everybody <3

[AutumnDae]

Well I am sorry that I didn't see this thread before, when you were working on telling them.

But I am honestly VERY happy that you found the courage to talk to them.

Does it feel as though a major weight has been lifted from your shoulders?

[Zephyr]

I feel like I've grown a foot and lost half of my weight,
It feels wonderful :D

[AutumnDae]

That sounds awesome, Steph. I am REALLY proud of you. I don't know if I would have the bravery or the strength to talk to anyone about something like this. You are Ah-mazing!